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Why I’m Trying Online Dating — Part 3.2: Women’s dating profiles, a guy’s perspective

But are you hotter than this dude?

In summary from Part 3.1:

I’m somewhat nestled into this environment now. I’m still trying to figure out how to write a profile that doesn’t make me sound like either an egotistical prick or a desperate loser.

This is about my initial impressions of other people’s profiles. I’m a newbie, but even I know a hopeless profile when I see one. This is focused on women’s profiles since I’m not cruising the dudes.

Here is a continuing list I made of reasons why I will skip a profile, straight away, so maybe if there are women out there not getting any bites, or only getting bites from duds, this might prompt a bit of a profile review.

It’s not like I’m some wise wizard of dating or anything, just a guy, so I suggest taking me with a grain of salt… and maybe a lime wedge.

  • ‘Trump! Trump! Trump!’

Love him, hate him, I don’t want to hear about him, certainly not on a date. That’s a rescue phone call situation. If he is such a major part of your life that he’s even in your dating profile, then you belong together. I’ll pass.

  • All the makeup!!!

Okay, so there’s nothing wrong with wearing makeup. However, when every single picture of you is with heavy makeup I completely lose interest. If you’re so terrified of your real face being exposed that you can’t even post a single picture with even just light makeup, I’m swiping Left.

  • None of the makeup!!!

I actually prefer a woman with light to no makeup on an average day, though I am, admittedly, easy to please. However, for the sake of your chances, ladies, maybe try to post one picture of you dressed up a bit as if you’re going out on a hot date so the person perusing your profile gets a more rounded impression of you. I want to reiterate: There’s nothing wrong with not wearing makeup! I’m just saying that having at least one pic of you a little dolled up will instantly and drastically increase interest in your profile.

This may seem sexist, and I guess it is, in a way, but it’s not much different from a guy posting a picture of him in a suit and tie among his jeans-and-t-shirt pics, so you get an idea of what the guy looks like dressed up.

  • I’ve heard of ‘Myspace angles’ but this is ridiculous!

I might not have believed it if I hadn’t seen it several times now. It seems some women have the fascinating ability to make the exact same face with the exact same smile, the exact same up/down head tilt, the exact same partial turn of the head, and even the exact same skew, so much so that it appears they have photoshopped one head onto many different pictures.

This may be scientifically significant, but having 8 pictures with an identical face in every aspect is both pointless and kind of creepy.

  • Big head, tiny feet

Unless your name is King Kong and you’re busy batting planes and helicopters out of the sky, no more than one of your pics should be an aerial photograph. You know exactly what I mean… and if you don’t, you’re either one of the people doing this or you are blessedly, blissfully, innocent.

So, unless you think I’m going to spend a date hovering above you like a miniature dirigible, it’s kind of annoying and disconcerting to have six of these… and one picture of your dog.

  • Meanwhile, in the distance…

You’re a… person, I think. Hell, you might be a malnourished shaven sasquatch for all I can tell from the panoramic picture of you on someone’s Kawasaki… oh, and you’re wearing a helmet… and shades? Okay, I’ll scroll for an actual picture where I can see you.

Oh… there you are on that horse statue in Denmark… oh, and you made sure to get all of the surrounding buildings in the picture. Ooo, a different pair of shades. Cute. At least I can tell your hair color… I think. Somewhere between light brown and dark brown? Maybe? Next picture.

Ah, there you are with three other women and since I have no idea what you look like, yet, I have no idea if you’re the pretty one, the sweet-looking one, the resting-bitch-face one, or the one missing her front teeth.

Yeah, if you’re that frustrating already… skip.

  • ‘If you wanna be my lover, you gotta look at my friends…’

This was touched on in the previous entry. However, it doesn’t have to involve being 10 pixels big in the picture.

First off, if you make me hunt for which one you are, through several different pictures, I’m going to lose interest, especially if one of your friends is amazingly attractive. I’m not being a jerk, I’m just giving you an honest practical appraisal. Conversely if all of your friends are goblinoids and I don’t know you’re the pretty one because you could be any one of the 5 people in that picture, I’m probably going to back away slowly and swipe Left.

Secondly, and this might not be an issue for everyone, but if every picture you have is you surrounded by people, I’m going to assume, at least subconsciously, that alone time with you will be rare and probably become an issue and, frankly, if I’m destined to never have any alone time with you, we are terribly mis-matched and I’d rather swipe Left now and save myself all the effort.

Try sticking a few solo shots in that profile.

  • ‘But are you hotter than this dude?’

If I’m perusing your profile pics and several involve you standing with your arm around some amazingly good-looking dude who isn’t a cut-out of Leonardo DiCaprio, I’m going to wonder how I could even approach you without feeling like a laughing stock.

Yes, I’m talking about that shirtless Adonis with waffle-iron abs, tanned to golden perfection, and hair that makes angels weep, with his arm around your waist and your head pressed against his perfect pecs. Is he your friend who I have to hang around and feel like Fred fucking Flintstone? Or maybe he’s an ex-boyfriend/husband so I can feel really super inadequate while you say things to your friends, like ‘yeah, I know, but he’s sweet…’

It’s a fact of life that new relationships have to deal with remnants of old relationships, but maybe save the potential emasculation for later on after I’ve had a chance to show you how much more amazing I am, regardless of his 2% body fat.

  • ‘You must be at least this not boring…’

Entrepreneur, hiking, climbing, camping, white-water rafting, traveling to exotic locations, clubbing, gym, 3 kids, marathons, fitness, concerts, skydiving, adventures, GAHHHH!!!!!

Too much! I like those things, just not like a firehose in my face. If I see that profile, even if the woman is beautiful, I’m skipping right past it. There’s no way in hell I can keep up with that and I don’t really feel like humiliating myself trying.

I’d rather meet someone I can occasionally be a slob on the couch with and mutually appreciate each other’s potato-ness. I’m a fun guy. I like to travel. I enjoy going out. I’m prone to being a little wild. I can do a week on about 8 hours sleep. All that is fine and fun, but I don’t want to feel as if I’ve got to burn myself out for fear of boring this person.

  • ‘Just so you know, ahead of time, I got no time’

If you’re bothering with putting a profile on a dating app, usually several, it’s probably kind of a stupid idea to mention how you don’t have much time and mention that you’re not interested in hookups. The only guys who don’t care about you not having much time are the guys who are either looking for hookups or those who are more than happy to have extra room to bail without drama and/or notice.

If you’re looking to meet someone and date, you either have time or you should lock up that profile until you do.

People seem to have this need to sound busybusybusybusy for fear of being thought boring. Sometimes I get busy, sometimes I have extra time, but if I’m interested in someone I’ll manage that shit.

[continued in ‘Women’s dating profiles, a guy’s perspective’ Part 3.3]