Aug. 1, 2016 — Reawakening Edition

BREAKING NEWS

WASHINGTON — Sandwich pitchman and basketball forward Markieff Morris, presumed dead for nearly three years, was discovered Sunday night attempting to ride his hoverboard in Dupont Circle, according to law enforcement sources.

His head was bruised and swollen, apparently the result of a previous hoverboard accident, and authorities reported that Markieff has no memory of the past 33 months.

Markieff’s discovery was sparked by an ardent Quiznos fan, who somehow recognized the 6-foot 11-inch man among a throng of tourists. After police and paramedics arrived, Markieff muttered, “Might as well be Saturday.”

It was a Sunday.

Markieff touched the hearts and minds of dozens of readers for a brief period in 2013, but disappeared from view suddenly. Although he was traded to the NBA’s Washington Wizards earlier this year, nobody witnessed his arrival at Verizon Center. He continued tweeting after his death, but no body was ever discovered.

In November 2015, on the second anniversary of Markieff’s death, Markieff’s twin brother Mook famously told People that his twin brother Markieff had called just three times a week on average recently, far less often than normal. The brothers are twins — and twins are close.

When the authorities confronted Markieff on his hoverboard in Dupont Circle last night, at first it appeared his death was finally confirmed. Twin brother Mook solemnly asked the coroner to skip the traditional examination and take the body straight to the morgue.

But at one point, according to onlookers, Markieff’s eyes suddenly twinkled. The ground shook. The coroner was called off and a celebration began.

As news of Markieff’s discovery spread, he received an unlikely olive branch from Donald Trump, who tweeted, “I don’t know the guy but he’s a great, great guy. Died and got a raw deal from Obama — no job, high taxes. America failed him. Sad!”

It was unclear how current events will shape Markieff’s worldview as he gets back up to speed, but the world is now watching again.

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The Daily Markieff is published Monday-Thursday and chronicles the daily happenings of our hero Markieff as he navigates the world and its idiosyncrasies — ugly, beautiful, newsworthy and everything in between.

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