Aug. 25, 2016 — Bucket o’ Pence Edition

Mike Pence sat in the airport eating KFC. His flight was delayed. He had tried contacting United Airlines to see about a different itinerary, but gave up after being put on hold for 25 minutes.

He sighed.

Taking out his phone, Pence snapped a quick photo of his meal and texted it to Trump — listed as “The Big Don” in his contacts.

“Check it out, having some KFC like you, Don,” he wrote. “Shall I put it on Instagram?” He felt a brief surge of hope and energy, but it didn’t last long. No response, as usual.

Pence’s head shrunk lower.

All of a sudden, his eyes flashed to the airport TV monitor mounted above the counter. A photograph Markieff sat smiling above the CNN chyron — which read, “Trump: Dead Set on Dead Voters” — as Jake Tapper eagerly recounted new rumors that the Trump campaign was in talks with the RNC about new field offices located near cemeteries in battleground states.

Pence perked up. He had an idea.

What if I, Mike Pence, made the campaign’s first contact with the dead, he thought. Trump would have to respect me.

It didn’t matter to Pence that just at that moment Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway was on CNN vehemently denying what she called “false rumors” about the campaign’s strategy to appeal to the dead.

Pence stood up, nearly knocking over his half-finished bucket of fried chicken, which had congealed into a greasy carcass pit — now resembling Pence’s own abandoned heart.

With resolve, he walked into the concourse to face the new destiny bubbling in his brain. It was just a question of where. And when.

And how.

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