The Daily Markieff — Aug. 10, 2016 — Comfy Beans Edition



Bland beige walls surround a group of five blue and white colored beanbag chairs, upon which perch four young campaign aides dressed casually, one of whom is sleeping, and an older man wearing a dark suit and conservative tie. A single sign adorns the room, reading “Hillary.”

The suited man, TIM KAINE, chews on his pencil nervously as he listens to the discussion around him.

CAMPAIGN AIDE #1: I don’t know, it appears this could be coming straight from Manafort.

CAMPAIGN AIDE #2: Or even worse, Putin.

CAMPAIGN AIDE #3: Or worse, Stalin. Right?

CAMPAIGN AIDE #4: Shut the fuck up, Jimmy. Go back to the digital team.

CAMPAIGN AIDE #1: All I know is it seems like a credible effort to attract dead voters to the ticket. They just need a surrogate who can speak to that crowd — and Markieff is perfect.

CAMPAIGN AIDE #2: Why didn’t we think of this?

CAMPAIGN AIDE #3 (JIMMY): I did! Two months ago.

CAMPAIGN AIDE #4: Jimmy! Shut the fuck up. Aren’t there some snaps that need snapping or whatever?

TIM KAINE, who has been growing more and more agitated as the conversation wears on, suddenly jumps up from his beanbag chair with a glint in his eye. He has an idea!

TIM KAINE: Jimmy! You’re fired.

CAMPAIGN AIDE #3 (JIMMY) hangs his head and pulls his body off those comfy, comfy beans.

CAMPAIGN AIDE #3 (JIMMY): Yes, Mr. Kaine.

He slinks out. TIM KAINE turns to the rest of the group.

TIM KAINE: Now the rest of you. I need something big I can bring to Hillary, something that can reassure her I was the right choice. So far, all I can do is talk about jobs and the economy, national security, inequality, climate change and other bullshit.

The group nods collectively in disgust at the seemingly unquenchable interest everywhere in discussing substantive issues that truly affect peoples’ lives, threaten to destroy the very planet we call home, could build a new era of prosperity for the American middle class, potentially represent a bright future for civil rights, etc.

CAMPAIGN AIDE #1: This country is a ticking time bomb.

TIM KAINE: Right! People think I’m a goddamn stiff — I’ll show them how stiff I can be.

(his voice rises)

TIM KAINE: So get out there and figure it out. Make me the king of dead people — or find something better!

TIM KAINE sits back down closes his eyes, and places a pair of puffy green earmuffs on his head. He sneers.

TIM KAINE: Otherwise…you can follow Jimmy right out that door.


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