The Daily Markieff — Aug. 8, 2016 — Strategery Edition

(Today’s news comes to you via Politico, which reports on things like this.)

Former Dead Man Spotted Entering Trump Tower

By Daniel Lippman

NEW YORK — Markieff Morris, who previously died for a span of 33 months before being discovered alive last week, was seen by several sources entering Trump Tower today — clad in a puffy set of orange earmuffs in the middle of one of the hottest days of the summer.

A source close to the building’s elevator operator confirmed Morris was taken to the 66th floor — Donald J. Trump’s penthouse residence.

There was little speculation Monday afternoon from credible sources as to why the 6'10" forward might visit Trump, but nevertheless Politico pulled two theories out of thin air. Perhaps Morris was summoned because Trump simply admires men with large hands.

Or, in a more likely scenario according to the future reaction of Twitter users, Trump sought Morris out because he sensed a major political opportunity: Morris brings the unique experience of being dead, and the dead make up a large majority of American voters — according to elections analysts who count the dead among the living, a growing trend among so-called “wonks.”

Reached for comment on Wednesday, Trump spokeswoman Hope Hicks declined to comment on Morris’ visit to Trump Tower. However, Governor Mike Pence, the Republican nominee for vice president, answered the door immediately after a quick ring of Trump’s 66th floor penthouse doorbell.

“Trump’s in Detroit today giving a big speech,” said Pence, wearing a bathrobe and eating an enormous bowl of ice cream. “Isn’t this place awesome?”

Asked about Morris, Pence claimed to have no knowledge about whether he had arrived at the residence or why Morris might pay a visit in the first place.

“I just woke up from a nap in the TV room,” he said, reaching toward the gold-plated ceiling to stretch his stiff six-foot frame. “Trump said I can’t watch the Olympics since it’s rigged and Russia got screwed, so I’ve been playing dead instead.”

“It’s good practice for the campaign,” Pence continued.

Seeing rumors exploding on Twitter surrounding Trump’s alleged new “dead electorate” strategy, the crying baby from last week’s Trump rally tweeted an incredulous response:


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