The Week That Was

January 11, 2020

Greetings from the Couch
Jan 11 · 3 min read

Better than Princip, declares US voters

US president Donald Brump today was declared better than Gavrilo Princip by a majority of Republican voters for his assassination of Iranian military leader Major General Suleimani on January 3, 2020.

Gavrilo Princip

Princip, a Bosnian Serb opposed to the occupation of his country by the Austro-Hungarian Empire, shot Archduke Ferdinand and his wife in an opportunistic assassination in Sarajevo on 28th June 1914. This incident was the spark that ignited existing tinder stacked up by opposing European leaders which became the First World War.

“Princip had to hang out on a street corner and hope for the best,” Brump declared whilst eating ice-cream that he refused to share with reporters. “We had the full might of the bestest military force on the Earth to call on, and we did it by remote control, like changing channels between FOX news.”

Some commentators are suggesting this may have the same effect on world affairs as Princip’s actions in Sarajevo. However, Brump argued there were good reasons for the state sanctioned execution:

We had actionable intelligence and a clear cause and effect between Sulimano or whatever his name was, we should call him “The target” because it’s easier to remember. And anyway, I asked our generals about using our nukes during the election and yes, okay, they thought it was a bit excessive since I was only up against Crooked Hilary, but things have changed. I’m in charge for a start and they won’t explode themselves you know.

When asked about the situation and potential for escalation, Oztralian Prime Minister Borison said the situation was “fluid”. He went on to say:

Religious fundamentalist leaders of Iran are certainly wetting their pants over US capabilities in the Middle East. But we in Oztralia are asking for calm, at least until we can get someone like Colin Powell to present the intelligence we’ve taken so much time throwing together.

Some commentators have suggested Borison is hypocritical given his links to Moundsong, a “charismatic christian” church in Sydney. Borison struck back on Twitter by declaring:

This kind of religious vilification is why my government is pushing changes to religious discrimination laws in 2020. We’ll stop the unbelievers and brown people in their tracks! Halleluja!

Read more on Rolling Stone and The Nation

Newspapers balanced coverage not enough for one ex employee

An employee of Screws Limited newspapers, the Herald Scum and The Strayan was forced out over December due to her unbalanced views and opinions.

“We have editorial and ethical standards here at Screws Limited,” chairman Michael Gorilla said. “And she just wasn’t up to the task.”

Gorilla went on to say that every attempt was made to work with the journalist in question, but she refused to compromize her own political opinions for the sake of the greater good, her colleagues and co-workers at Screws Limited. He went on to say:

It’s all very well accusing us of something, but journalism has to be backed up with undisputable facts. She failed to make her arguments and this is the result.

Screws Limited has so-far refused to reveal the reporter’s name nor any correspondence, citing privacy concerns.

Read more on The Guardian

Good news at last in bushfire devastated regions

Australian bushfires have devastated massive regions and there is risk of wholesale contamination of water supplies to cities and regional towns. The towns of Eden and Boydtown have been warned to boil water before consumption, as chlorination facilites have been knocked out by bushfires.

However, the town of Malacoota in Victoria has no such problems. The armed forces relief effort this week delivered kegs of beer, pallets of stubbies and cider to the local pub.

“The town’s totally cut off from civilization,’ said a brewery representative. “People are sitting on the beach with no booze. It’s a disaster.”

Additional supplies of clean drinking water, food and fuel were reportedly also delivered.

Read more on 7News and The Independent

Greetings from the Couch

Written by

Really not a neural network enhanced instabot from the nastiest burrows of the darknet. (also do chai reviews on @melbournechai )

The Daily Oztralian

Satirical news, all fake, all topical

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