When Trees Shoot Back.
You take your life in your hands hunting for pine steaks.
“You obviously used the wrong slug for that tree.” broom jm, Shooter’s Forum
Most hunters don’t know how to hunt trees. They go out to the woods, hoping to bag a pine or an oak, and come back shot to hell by a larch. All because they chose the wrong ammunition.
As a contributor to Shooter’s Forum explained, “You should ONLY use a slug designed for the particular tree you’re hunting. To not do so could cause a complete passthrough, or the slug could bounce off and shoot out your eye.”
He recommends hard-cast for oak, elm and beech, and softer lead slugs for white pine and larch, and hollow point for balsam wood.
“If he’d used one of Tang’s Slug-Chunker Magnums,” he advised, “that tree would be deader n’ a stump! Or something…”
Then there are instances resulting in death, sometimes with the tree avoiding prosecution since it’s ruled accidental.
Well, certainly the right firepower helps. At the same time, it doesn’t mean trees can’t defend themselves. Some are more dangerous than they look, not to mention some hunters are dumber than they look.
Take the case of a 27-year-old Iowa man, Logan Bunn, who ended up transporting himself to hospital in La Crosse, Wisconsin, after a tree, he shot at, returned fire. Such ricochets are more common than you think, with hundreds of hunters being treated each year, mostly from bullets disintegrating into fragments. Then there are instances resulting in death, sometimes with the tree avoiding prosecution since it’s ruled accidental.
Twenty years ago, two boneheads started shooting at a giant saguaro cactus. The saguaro fell, killing both hunters. As it was reported, “Little sympathy was expressed for them, but the saguaro was lamented.”
Shooting inanimate objects ain’t like bagging a lion. You can’t put a tree on the wall and call it a “prize catch.” So why do people shoot at trees in the first place? And should we be shocked when trees shoot back or find other ways to maim some hunter’s sorry ass in the process?
By “other ways,” I mean trees can exact different forms retribution, like hiding your bullet in the wood itself. As one millworker explained, “You ought to hear a plaining machine when one of the blades hits a bullet in a piece of wood, especially steel core military surplus stuff.”
One Civil War canon ball got caught in a blade and nearly tore up the mill. You have to admit, it’s definitely a last laugh for the tree.
Several people have been killed by milling blades breaking off and hitting them. One Civil War canon ball got caught in a blade and nearly tore up the mill. You have to admit, it’s definitely a last laugh for the tree.
The New York Times did an interesting piece called “Safety Worries as Michigan Hunters Take Guns Up Trees.” It seems a number of hunters like to build platforms or saddles in the trees, hoping to shoot deer. According to Peter Thompson, a sixteen-year-old hunter, “Deer don’t look up.”
That’s all well and good, except if you’re pulling your shotgun up by a haul line tied to the trigger guard, as Thompson did. He ended up shooting himself in the foot. It wasn’t the tree’s fault, obviously, but trees don’t mind being the culprit if they’re dealing with weenies.
“A lot of guys are embarrassed,” said Sergeant Sargent, of Michigan, Thompson’s home state. “They’ll say they fell working in the yard or something.” This doesn’t exactly explain missing toes — or trees laughing their asses off (which trees do, in addition to singing).
Then there are people cutting down Christmas trees with shotguns. If you use the right model, like a Mossberg 500 12-gauge shotgun, that tree comes down mighty quick. Then again, get enough hunters doing the same thing in the same area, and the likelihood of casualties is directly proportionate to their idiocy. Trees get the last laugh, in other words, and many hunters spend Christmas in bandages.
Now, let’s go up to Nunavut, where a couple of locals from Arviat travelled almost 130 kilometres looking for the ideal Christmas tree. Upon finding the right one, they realized they’d forgotten their tools.
“I had just bought a lot of bullets half price,” one of them explained, “so I was OK with the idea of shooting it down.”
Rather than leave any trace of their lousy shooting, they brought the four trees back with them. “We lost the biggest one when we hit a snowbank,” they said, “and most of the needles came off the others.”
It took ten shots with a .303 calibre rifle to fell the six-metre tree but, since they weren’t the greatest shots, they ended up shooting four other trees as well. Rather than leave any trace of their lousy shooting, they brought the four trees back with them. “We lost the biggest one when we hit a snowbank,” they said, “and most of the needles came off the others.”
Now they’re hoping to make a couple of spears, a good ideal since they’re not the best shots in Arviat — or Nunavut, for that matter. “I settled for an artificial tree,” one admitted. “At least we had a laugh.”
Well, it’s good to have a laugh, unless you’re a tree minding your own business, especially up near the Arctic Circle. Frankly, you don’t expect some yokel firing 7.92 mm shells they got at discount prices. Taking out four of your brothers is a bit much, not to mention dragging you 130 kilometres, including a few big snowbanks.
I’ll leave you with one of the regulars from Shooter’s Forum, who admitted, “I just hunt snakes…but trees are a possibility…just think…pine slab steaks…umm, good.”
No wonder trees shoot back at these idiots.
Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.
