An Open Letter To My Parents

I’d like to take this opportunity to respond to the open letter posted by my parents, Priscilla Chan and Mark Zuckerberg, with a letter of my own.

Dear Mom and Dad,

First, if you have something to say, you can say it to my face instead of posting it on the internet for the whole goddamn world to see.

Second, congrats on out-humble-bragging the world. Seriously, how can anyone else post to Facebook about their newborn child when you’ve set the bar at GIVING AWAY 45 BILLION DOLLARS IN FACEBOOK SHARES TO CURE DEATH or whatever crazy world salvation and tax evasion was in that long essay?

Third, what are you doing? Those were going to be my shares, and you’re giving them to charity? And not just any charity, your own charity which technically isn’t even a charity, but a limited liability corporation?? SMH.

I get it. I’m going to be rich for the rest of my life with nothing to worry about (other than the fact I will be the most observed person on the planet with literally everyone being aware of every move I make for the rest of my life), but come on dudes! Don’t take the one thing that was going to be cool about being your kid (the money!!!) and warp it into me being responsible for fixing the world that your generation and the Baby Boomers fucked up. That’s totally on you guys.

Sincerely,

Max

P.S. Dad, please don’t ever milk me for retweets again. Yeah, I said “retweets,” asshole. I wish I was Jack Dorsey’s or Ev Williams’s daughter. Now change my diaper, I just wrecked it.