The inauguration is still more than two months away, but in his golden penthouse in the 58th floor of Trump Tower, high above Manhattan’s storied 5th Avenue, President-Elect Donald Trump has been busy keeping his campaign promises to Middle America.
While his top lieutenants work to hammer out the details of the transition, he’s been working the phones, doing his best to ensure that no more American jobs are lost to Mexico.
It’s the kind of moves that comes naturally to the veteran wheeler-and-dealer. Amid news that automaker Ford was planning on shifting production of certain product lines from Michigan to Mexico, Trump sprang into action yesterday and did not rest until he was personally assured by the Ford CEO that the Ford plant in Kentucky wasn’t moving, as reported by several news outlets who read about it on the political outsider’s often-colorful Twitter.
Sources close to Trump said that, high on his perceived success and surprised by how easy it was, “just started calling every number he could think of,” asking many of his friends and business contacts about their plans regarding Mexico.
“The turning point,” one staffer told us, “was when he remembered the phone book.”
This reporter was allowed into Donald Trump’s private office to witness the real estate developer turned job saver in action.
“Hello, Triple A All-American Locksmiths?” he asked during a typical such call. “This is the President of the United States. That’s right,” he said, while an aide frantically mouthed the words “no, no, no” and another scrawled, “You have to stop saying that” on a piece of paper, which was then pushed across the desk to Trump, who frowned at it, signed it, then pushed it away.
“I’m just calling to see if you had any plans on moving your plant or any jobs to Mexico in, say, the next two months to four years? No? Great! Tremendous. Thanks a bunch. Make America great again!”
He then hung up the phone and said, “That’s another one for the Twitter.”
In between calls, he explained that he had already called more than a dozen of what he called “top name” locksmiths, exterminators, and auto mechanics. “Real front-of-the-phone-book outfits,” as he put it. If each of them could be assumed to employ even as few as 10,000 American workers, then he was already responsible for saving over a hundred thousand American jobs.
The Daily Spigot did not have time to verify the president-elect’s claims, but according to one mathematician with whom we consulted, he was correct in stating that 10,000 times an indeterminate number greater than 12 would yield a total that was at least 120,000.
Whatever your politics, you have to admit: that’s no small feat for a man who has yet to take the oath of office or read the Constitution.
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