Daily Spleen — May 5, 2021
Pissing me off this Woden’s Day:
We’re riding Dogecoin to da MOOOOOOON! Or at least until the next time Elon sneezes and it crashes again. Lock in your market orders now, readers. Never know when good ol’ Mr. Grimes might catch the common cold. Word has it that just for mentioning Dogecoin today’s shit-show will be part of the next Crew Dragon going to the ISS. Still won’t make it any better, though. Oh…uh…something something Cinco de Mayo something something Mexican food. I think I got that right.
1. People who can’t fucking read the website for the vacation they booked
This may be a little hyperspecific, but I booked a cruise recently, and I’ve been watching cruise vlogger videos on YouTube lately. I stumbled across some dumbass AND HIS WIFE (they even have 2 separate YouTube channels) who, despite being self-proclaimed “cruise experts” apparently didn’t do the research before spending THOUSANDS OF FUCKING DOLLARS on their cruise. They bitched about the layout of the cabins…which is published RIGHT THERE ON THE WEBSITE! They bitched about the price of the WiFi and it being different if you book it ahead vs on the boat which is, you guessed it, RIGHT THERE ON THE FUCKING WEBSITE. To be fair, they apparently have taken cruises on other cruise lines, but you would think as “cruise experts” they would fucking know that all cruise lines are different, and maybe check that shit out FIRST.
2. These giant fucking wall-wart plugs for laptops and monitors
Why? Just FUCKING WHY? What genius fucking “product designer” looked at a wall-wart plug and thought to themselves, “I wish it could be bigger and make it even less convenient to plug more than one thing into the wall?” Look, assholes, the rule is simple: if you need an external transformer, make it fucking inline, like laptop adapters USED TO BE. That way, the plug at the wall is normal sized, and the transformer itself can sit supported on the floor, instead of hanging off the outlet precariously like some Frank Gehry monstrosity, blocking access to the rest of the outlet and preparing to fall out of the outlet at the worst possible moment. Please, for the love of all that is holy, GET RID OF THESE FUCKING TECHNOLOGICAL ABOMINATIONS. Scalawags.
3. Tennessee Measure Honoring Gay Country Star TJ Osborne Blocked by House Republicans
Oh look, the GOP is being the party of bigotry and hatred again. What a surprise. You would think at some point they would realize that they are ultimately shooting themselves in their collective feet, since turning people away is not a good way to build your party, and the GOP is getting older by the minute. I mean, if the GOP wants to push all the young, educated people to the Dems, that’s fine be me.
4. The play-by-play of the Epic vs. Apple trial
Good fucking grief. You would think this shit was the Trial of the goddamned Century. I really don’t give a flying shit about whether Tim Sweeney can pick a PS5 out of a lineup, or whether or not he considers himself a Nintendo Switch player. I really don’t care if Apple’s cut is 30% or 82% or even 3%. Giant companies full of rich white guys suing each other for money doesn’t interest me in the slightest. Make no mistake: none of this horseshit is about helping consumers. It’s all about who’s money-dick is bigger and who gets to line their pockets with which gold. Both sides in this case are fuckbags, and if you’re taking one side or the other seriously, you’re a fuckbag, too. The only people (and I use the word hesitantly) benefiting from this are rich white fucks and their lawyers.
5. US Birth Rate Hits 42 year low
And finally, another shocker. Who knew that the world falling apart would make people think twice about bringing another life into this world? I mean, it’s inconceivable, right (see what I did there)? Come on people, we need to double our numbers. Triple our numbers! The ants and the roaches are way ahead of us. Get to fuckin’!
