Daily Spleen, May 7, 2021
Pissing me off this Frīa’s Day:
Howdy, folks! Welcome to the Daily Spleen, the shittin’-est shit-show that ever shitted this side of the Mississippi! Yee-haw! Now you just buckle in tight an’ set a spell, while ol’ Uncle Spleen vents hisself all in your direction. Just let it wash all over ya, like a shower of salt. A salt shower if you will. When it rains, it fucking pours. Ah, crap, where’d my folksy accent go? No matter, shit-show to the future!
1. Anxiety 2: Electric Boogaloo
Hey, thanks again, brain, for bringing up all the shame from my past. That was magnificent. Also, replaying those old conversations over and over…chef’s kiss. And who could forget having mental arguments with people about issues we’ve never actually argued about? You’re the best, brain! The absolute fucking best. Your only saving grace is you’re also the brain who reminds me I’m just a human being, like everyone else, doing the best I can do with what I have. And I may not have been the best parent, but I tried my damnedest at it even though it wasn’t fun and was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I guess on balance, you can stick around for the moment, brain. But seriously, you’re on fucking warning. Don’t let that shit happen again.
2. Chinese Space Debris Falling from the Sky this Weekend
The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Wait…what?…ah…I’ve just been told that the sky is not actually falling. Instead parts of a Chinese rocket that failed to properly execute it’s full mission plan of taking a predetermined path back to Earth and crashing in the ocean. Possible populated impact sites are New York, Madrid, Beijing (would serve them right), southern Chile and Wellington, New Zealand. China, look, it ain’t that complicated. You test this shit BEFORE you actually send it up where it could kill people. Using the world as your rocket testing lab has never been and will never be acceptable. If this shit lands on New York, A. I hope no one is hurt (even, ugh I can’t believe I’m saying this, Trump), and B. I hope we send some of our space junk their way for good measure. Maybe just strap Elon to a Delta IV headed toward Shenzhen.
3. More Goddamned Voting Restrictions, this time in TX
As if you weren’t already enough of a problem child, Texas, what with your failing electrical grid and church run education system. Now you’re going to make it harder for people to vote? You’re already a fucking red state, you dumb fucks! You’re going to make it harder for your own people to vote! I’m sure that’s not the intent, but that’s inevitably what’s going to happen. Great Buddha on a fucking stick if this doesn’t just show how much this isn’t about governing and about grasping at power by any means necessary. God forbid we have a few minorities running things for a while and get a fresh perspective on what this place could be like. Much better to just stick with rich white churchgoing assholes with sexual abuse issues.
4. Dumbass Planned Illegal 153-person Grand Canyon Hike for October 2020
You seriously can’t make this shit up, folks! This guys is facing federal fucking charges and was repeatedly told by park officials that the hike was a rules violation and illegal. How fucking dumb do you have to be? Also, apparently even in non-COVID times the maximum group size for a canyon hike is 30. Why would you think that 5x that number would ever be ok? Dumb fucks gonna dumb, I guess.
5. Elon Musk Hosting SNL
Zeus on a fucking pogo-stick, you would think this was going to be the second goddamned coming of Christ! Every day this week I’ve seen headlines about this shit, and who fucking cares? SNL has had non-actor/non-comedian hosts for fucking years and the press didn’t give two shits. Why it matters that it’s Elon Musk is beyond me. Yeah, fine, he’s a rich white guy. He’s far from the first rich white guy to host SNL. In fact, pick just about any aspect of Elon Musk, and he’s almost certainly not the first. I think he only wins the “First Asshole named Elon Musk to host SNL” award. Will he be funny? Maybe. Will the stock market and Dogecoin junkies shit their pants? Probably. Will it ultimately matter even 24 hours later? Fuck no. Seriously, he’s just the guy currently fucking Grimes who happens to fund a pretty great space flight company. For fuck’s sake, get over his cult of personality. Otherwise you’re all going to have rug burns on your knees from sucking him off all the time.
