Ayyy…Watch My Soul Speak

“This that Grey Poupon, that Evian, that TED Talk, ayy Watch my soul speak, you let the meds talk ayy…” — Kendrick Lamar

Here I am all set to speak…

My VERY first opportunity to speak to a group of people.

No, I’m not counting all the Easter, Christmas, and Mother’s Day speeches I did when I was a kid. I only had to memorize the words and…let’s just say that I didn’t do so well with any of them. Do you want me to say it? Okay, fine…I cried right there in the middle of the church for all of my church members to see because I was so scared to speak in front of people. Is that what you wanted?!

*scoff*

And no I’m not counting all the times I had to do presentation at work. Those don’t count either…although there was the time I got a panic attack while I was presenting and had to go sit in a quiet room for a half hour to get myself together.

Hmm, come to think of it…I have had some speaking disasters throughout my life. This speaking engagement just might be the one that finally kills me. Maybe I should cancel? Oh wait, I just said they don’t count. So…I’m good. No need to worry. Right? Well that’s just what I’m gonna believe.

Besides this is different. Tonight I am speaking on something I know about all too well…depression. I shouldn’t feel confident about the subject matter but hey if the hardest part is living with depression, telling my story shouldn’t be that hard. Sooo…I will be fine.

Why was I nervous?

Maybe because I am set to speak to a class of future therapists about my darkest hour when I felt all hope seemed lost. I’m supposed to calmly tell 25 individuals,who I have never met in my life, that almost four years ago I wanted to end my life…

Speak on how I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for…

Uh…I mean if my therapist hadn’t called me at the nick of time and told me to come in and she would wait on me.

Okay, I’m babbling. I am nervous about this.

*inhales deeply* *exhales deeply*

You got this. Yeah, I got this. I walk into the room where it’s a computer set up for me. It’s about 10 minutes before the class is ready for me and I’m virtually transported to New Jersey with 50 eyes on me. So I guess I will calm myself down.

What do the greats do right before a big performance? Positive affirmations? Playing out the entire performance mentally to ensure success? Maybe some deep breathing?

What do I do?

Play games on my phone and browse through Twitter to laugh at Anna Kendrick.

Well, it’s too late to worry about that now.

It’s showtime!

I start off with a joke asking for an introduction. Okay, technically it isn’t a joke. I need the few additional seconds to steady myself. And plus I like intros about me.

*deep breaths*

Okay…I’m ready!

I bring the energy. (which anyone who knows me know that means I was loud as hell) And I begin by thanking the professor for allowing me to speak to the class. I see a lot of different faces of various ages so now I’m worrying that what I say won’t be digested by everyone.

*deep breath*

Pull it together! Just speak from the heart.

So I begin to speak to them about…

• How long I have been depressed. (My entire adult life)
• My darkest day (I won’t recap that because you can read it in-depth here)
• That I am better because I am with the work I’ve put into myself
• How much I’m still fucked up but…recognize the growth I’ve made and still push forward
• My struggles, my successes, and my areas of opportunity
• How I fell into being an Mental Health advocate through my writing and my one on one conversations with people

I literally feel like my mouth was going a mile a minute but I am passionate about what I am discussing. It is my life, right?

I even make them laugh with a couple of jokes. Not an easy thing to do when the subject matter is depression and suicide.

My mouth starts to become a little dry, so I stop for questions. Oh, I hope I haven’t bored the hell out of these people.

The Aftermath

Much to my chagrin (yes, I just used the word chagrin…that just happened), a slew of hands when up. They had questions ranging from what do I do now to keep myself from staying in the dark place to am I still friends with the close friends that didn’t answer the door? (Which I am…we recently had dinner together)

The questions keep coming but the professor knows I have somewhere to be and wraps them up. This feeling is amazing to be able to turn my biggest…uh…one of my biggest moments of weakness into hope, motivation, education, uh…and *in my Jesse Jackson voice* reparations?

Sorry. But you get my point.

What a glorious feeling of accomplishment! I guess all of those people who told me I would make a pretty good public speaker were not blowing smoke up my ass. I can now add speaking as something I want to do now.

Will it always be about depression? I have no idea but I do know now that I’ve found a new way to inspire others.

But those are just my thoughts…right or wrong…just what I’m feeling at the time!!!