A Memory Remains

Memory? What is a memory? A memory can be as sweet as your first kiss that you will remember and think back to for many years to come. It can also be as bitter as citrus peel that can haunt you for years. Most of us create a life through our memories and experiences. This could be good or not so good, but as the saying goes you have to take the bitter with the sweet. Unfortunately, if we hold on to the bad for too long it becomes our prison to which we are the guards. We don’t let anybody know that we are in prison because it could be too daunting to even bear. We keep it inside, we keep it in our gut, protected by a vault locked away in secret with other memories that keep us in pain. We hide this pain from others that are trying to helps us with fakes smiles and masks we put on hoping that nobody notices.

Because if they notice, if they notice, we would not know where to begin pouring out our memories like a glass of water that has been tipped over. The mess you’re going to create that will leave you feeling empty for a moment because the memories and pain all spilt with the water. You feel light, you feel happy, you feel reborn, you feel like you can conquer the world. Then this thought comes creeping in “what am I going to do I feel happy” You feel happy but you are scared that you are happy it could be just a dream and when you wake up it could all be gone. You pray that it is not so you even pinch yourself just to make sure that you are actually awake. When you pinch yourself it hurts and because it hurts you are happy. You are happy that it hurts, that you are awake, that you can feel again. After years of being numb coping with the pain you forgot what pain was. You rejoice at the fact that you are no longer numb that you can feel once more. That you can be a real human again with passions and emotions. You feel glad that you are not a robot anymore just going through the motions of life-like a sail boat on water.

You feel cleansed and brand new like a recently hand washed car. That the owner took the time out of his day to wash his beloved vehicle with the care and attention that washing requires. His devotion towards washing you down to the very last detail paid off because you look so amazing. So amazing that you remind him of his first love back in college. So awe-struck he was that he had to sit down and appreciate his work like an artist admiring his painting. He stands there for a few moments loses track of time to stop and day-dream of his first love. The one he will never forget because he has fond memories of her. Their time together was a magical time a time of love, a time of happiness, a time of laughter. A time when time did not matter because you wanted to spend every minute of every day by her side. By her side time was your enemy because it limited what you guys could to together as one a single unit. When you were not with her you were thinking of her before anything else. You long for the time when you could be with her so much so that you put everything off just to be with her.

In between breaks when you would see each other the first thing you would do is hug her, smell her hair and tell her how beautiful she was. Ask her how her day was and even though you ask her every day you still long for her answer. When says she has to leave you ask her a few more questions just so you can have her for just a few more minutes before she leaves for an eternity it feels like. Even though it is just a couple of hours. Those are some of the hours that are taken away from you. You feel as it is unfair that she has to leave for so long and not be with you. You think of her while you are walking to class just day dreaming that you almost trip. In class every answer is her name and after class the first thought that goes to your head is her. You can finally see her again. When you see her you flag her down and she stays where she’s at so you have to go to her. On the way to her you think how did I get this lucky. You are puzzled because you cannot figure out why nor how. You are half way to her still thinking how could I have gotten this lucky. As you are fast approaching her everything just seems to fade away into the distance. You are in front of her then you ask her “how could I have been this lucky to have you by my side”. She blushes and says “I don’t know”. You appreciate her blush you take it as a compliment then you hug her with a passionate hug. A hug of gratitude because she loves you as much as you love her.

That in this moment of intimacy that you guys are sharing you feel loved. You feel as is time it self-stopped just to wait for you guys to finish so that it can continue on its course. You feel important because your love for each other stopped time and did not let it go on. For the first time of many to come you feel empower that your love could change the world. This feeling of being unstoppable comes rushing in like a quarterback sacked. Imagining that your love is the defensive end that sacks the quarterback (time) every time you guys have a moment. Then you have to part ways again because the time to go home is near. You’re at home you have finished dinner and homework and is time to go to bed for the next day.

You go to bed and fall asleep thinking about her. You’d imagine a life with her so that your dreams could get the hint that you want to dream of her and only her. Lucky, your dreams get the hint and know what you want to dream about. This delights you because you’re dreaming about you and her getting married in a chapel. Your house has a white picket fence around it just how you imagined it would be. It is morning time and you want to keep dreaming but you know that if you wake up you get to tell her what you dreamt. You get to tell her how happy it made you feel. You get to see the reaction on her face when you tell her the good news. The time comes when you are in front of her and you tell her what your dreamt about last night. After, you tell her every little detail of your dream both of you imagine what you guys would look like married. Then suddenly you wake up from the day dream of your past because the phone rings and it is your job. You take a moment to realize where you are go on about your day.

Originally published at The dapperman project.