RMFM: Writing a User Manual of Me
What the heck is a “User Manual of Me”
People are complicated. Working with other people is complicated. Balancing competing agendas and opinions is complicated. The stuff that we have to navigate everyday is hard. A cavalcade of industries, self help books, personal gurus, and even apps are out there to help you navigate all of the potential pitfalls of dealing with another person. Yet even awash in all these consumer solutions we jump over the most basic aspect of buying and using something: the instructions.
RTFM is the computer-talk acronym for Read The F&#@ing Manual. It basically derives from people’s annoyance at answering simple questions that could easily be answered if the asker took five minutes to look for themselves. You might also be familiar with its more passive aggressive cousin, Let Me Google That For You (LMGTFY).
Reading the actual manual is a step many of us skip all the time. Only to find ourselves eventually frustrated, confused, and somehow with three spare IKEA screws. It’s the eat your vegetables of learning.
So if we know the value of using the manual to set up a new TV, find out how shut off the alarm in our car, or scan an FAQ before sitting on support call why aren’t we using these techniques to learn about each other? Certainty undoing a few steps on a new IKEA desk is easier than putting back together a fractured relationship with a colleague, collaborator, or boss.
I have started adapting the classic RTFM to RMFM — Read My F&#@ing Manual. Of course this assumes you have one. And here is where the real magic is. To have one, you must write one first. As valuable as people reading your manual is, you sitting down and writing one is just as powerful. The act of writing one forces you to take an inventory of yourself as a collaborator, a learner, an emotional being. The act of understanding yourself better in service of helping others to understand you better is a practical activity with deep social-emotional impact.
This practice has been gaining traction over the last five years. Adam Bryant first wrote about the concept in 2014 in article What If You Had to Write a “User Manual” About Your Leadership Style? It surfaced as part of the New York Times column “Corner Office” — where he interviewed leaders using an open-ended format to glean their insights, experiences, and learning. Hey! We like that approach! He later published this idea and others in his book Quick and Nimble: Lessons from Leading CEOs on How to Create a Culture of Innovation — Insights from The Corner Office.
Write yours!
Taking inspiration from Abby Falik’s LinkedIn article, where she shared her Manual of Self, I remixed her template (even lifting one of her “Style” bullets) for my manual and suggested that Loup use them — not only to work better as a team, but also as part of our client and partner work. Here is the template we are using, feel free to use as well. Are you willing to give it a try?
The manual (Skip at your own peril!)
- Brevity is your friend. This isn’t a diary entry or confessional blog post. Think about manuals you find helpful. They are easy to read, short, and sometimes use pictures.
- Emotions will be surfaced. Don’t expect to get through this with out some deep reflection, pangs of panic, vivid flashbacks, and maybe a few tears.
- Style matters. You are not only communicating with the words you choose but also how you arrange and display them. The person using the document to understand you better will pick up information from all of choices you make. (She likes lists, he has a design flair, oh they use a few embedded jokes.)
- Share and Revise. Find trusted colleagues or friends and share your early draft, take in the feedback, and tweak appropriately.
- Time-box the first draft. Avoid the navel-gaze worm hole. The first draft will be stronger and more honest if you articulate it in a set amount of time. We all work at different speeds so your milage may vary, but challenge yourself to do it in 30/60/90 minute blocks and consider first draft done when you hit the alarm.
Now it is only fair that I share mine
Name: Chris Lawrence
Organization: Loup
Position: Co-Founder, principal, Director of Strategy
My style
- My optimal mode is as a coach/mentor or creative colleague. I like both the structure and open-ended possibility of these collectively constructed relationship archetypes.
- I court ambiguity and possibility, and am most energized when I’m connecting dots/people/resources that translate challenges into opportunities. I am always scanning for information to feed ideas in my mind, and typically do my best thinking out loud. [Note: This is one I took from Abby!]
- I like to solve problems. I will often try to gravitate to things that can be fixed, decided, or eliminated. I like things arranged as tasks to complete.
- I am colloquial and enjoy using vernacular, slang, and metaphors. There is a jazz to conversation that gets me super charged. I seek these socially based flow states.
- I am loud. I talk loud, my body language is loud, I even type loud. But I am also a good listener and I have intentionally worked to balance these two aspects of my professional self.
- I am very social, an extrovert, and I interact with others by leveraging pre-existing bonds. But I also protect my inner introvert and have come to understand that part of me and others better.
- I am a habitual multitasker.
How my personal values shaped my professional life
- Giving, sharing, and receiving appreciations.
- I value momentum. I want to feel things moving forward with a sense of purpose and action.
- Relationships are the center of all my worlds. All past interactions are important to how we interact in the present and future.
- Learn by doing and reflecting. Theoretical exercises have limited value.
- Collegiality and collaboration. I love working, vibing, creating with people. Feedback, interaction, contribution always welcome.
- Stories and the interaction of sharing and listening of narratives and experiences.
What I don’t have patience for
- People who don’t understand how their actions are affecting other people. That doesn’t mean all interactions must be positive but they should be intentional and observant.
- People without a sense of humor or similar way to connect human-to-human.
- Lack of or hostility towards empathy.
- Tyranny of numbers.
How to best communicate with me
- Just communicate! Seriously I am available and responsive in all channels. I love interaction.
- Ask for help, advice, a second opinion or even just a practice dummy.
- With directness and be frank
- By knowing that I want to connect as people. Share a story, anecdote, recent watch/listen/read, or other way that we get to know each other.
- Laughing together
What are my blind spots / How to help me
- I am not detail oriented, in fact I am detail averse. I need help watching for those and sometimes even explanations on why it matters.
- If I know I am being entertaining or funny I can’t always reign myself in. I will go too far with a story, joke, or gossip. I need help not crossing over into being a bore.
- Let me blurt for a reasonable amount of time, but feel free to put parameters on it.
- To be quieter. I may flash annoyance, but I do appreciate being told to mute to block my typing or that my excitement has my volume too loud.
- Help me to say “no” more.
What people misunderstand about me
- That my loudness means aggression.
- That I am hard to convince. I love seeing other sides and having my mind changed in real time.
- That I don’t have any introverted tendencies.
- That I am scary, or don’t like you.
- That because I am good at helping you fight off your imposter syndrome it means that I must have mine under control.
Next Steps
We’ll continue to share our experiences with this tool — as we use it ourselves and as part of Loup’s consulting practice. If you have experiences with this technique, using our template, or want to share your manual we would love to see them — and would love to post your thoughts on The Deep Listen. Contact us!
