30 teams and 30 foods — An NBA smorgasbord
I have been cooking like crazy during quarantine, and in addition to the return of basketball, I thought it would be fun to compare our beloved NBA teams to as many dishes as I could.
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division
New York Knicks — Oysters
The New York Knicks are labeled as the most valuable teams in world sports year on year. Considering its last 20 years, it has been hard to see why aside from the name value. I couldn’t help but think of another overpriced value for an item with a weird texture and average taste, it must still be because of the name value right?
Brooklyn Nets — Filled Donuts
When the Nets were originally purchased by Mikhail Prokhorov, they were promised to be the champions of the NBA. When Nutella donuts started popping off, it never really lived up to the hype, especially when you accounted for the price. New age filled donuts, however, are full of flavour, inspiration and are most importantly, well marketed. Joseph Tsai is moving the Nets towards the future and they are looking a lot more dangerous, a lot more likeable and finally worth the price tag.
Philadelphia 76ers — Brunch
The current edition of the 76ers is top class on paper, the starting lineup is filled with elite players top to bottom. Brunch menus are so similar but yet whenever I find myself eating brunch food, I find that my peers and I are there more for the Instagram shot of the food rather than the food itself. The flashiness has not proved to be real substance to me, and I’m leaning towards the fact that it will never really work out for the Sixers.
Boston Celtics — Sushi
The Celtics are relevant and will always be relevant. There are so many renditions of this franchise but it is so well run and has such a rich history that it feels like it will never fail to impress. Sushi is the same, with seemingly hundreds of variations of the dish and hundreds of ingredients. No matter where or when you get it, sushi always comes through with the goods.
Toronto Raptors — Ginger
Ginger has always been around but has never been popular in the west. It has only ever been popular in Asia and was a little too loud for western palettes. However, recently ginger has been dragged into western culture with the introduction of fusion cuisines. Nick Nurse and Masai Ujiri have dragged the overlooked Toronto Raptors into the new era of NBA basketball and much like ginger, they don’t look like they will be leaving anytime soon.
Central Division
Milwaukee Bucks — Poke Bowls
Even though Poke Bowls are huge in the USA, they still haven’t really taken off worldwide. The Bucks feel very similar. Each have the makings of a top tier product, and have produced in their limited time in the spotlight, but it feels like this will only be a fad and once the conversation moves onto the next topic these things will be left behind as they always have been.
Indiana Pacers — Sauerkraut
The Indiana Pacers are beloved in the state of Indiana, as much as Sauerkraut is beloved in Germany. However, outside of those places, these products are not talked about unless they are at the absolute top of their game or integral to the discussion (or dish) at hand.
Chicago Bulls — Mac and Cheese
For most of our world, the Bulls were a childhood staple and any individuals’ introduction to the NBA. Mac and Cheese is very much similar.
As a kid it is a delicious meal which truly satisfies their needs as much as watching Michael Jordan taking the court night in and night out. But as the ‘Golden Age’ for both the Bulls and Mac and Cheese falls further and further into the past, it never rose again to prominence and certainly is no longer carried by name recognition the same way the Knicks are.
Detroit Pistons — Meatloaf
Detroit has had two renditions of its glory days, both times as the ‘Bad Boys’ of the NBA. It was a hearty and rustic style of play, the meatloaf of the NBA. Throw whatever is in your fridge into a pan and mix it with some beef mince and what you get is an underrated meal that fills the stomachs of everyone at the table. In the new NBA and the new world of cuisine, this no longer suffices. The Pistons can no longer fall back on hard-nosed players and try-hards. Both products need to move into the future.
Cleveland Cavaliers — Caesar Salad without chicken
Caesar Salad is delicious. It is one of the few salads that can be a standalone meal by itself… WHEN it has grilled chicken in it. The Cavaliers have only ever been relevant when their Golden Goose (or chicken) Lebron James has been a part of their roster. When Lebron is no longer around, the Cavs are relegated to just a mix of pieces that need to be carried to glory, with nobody there to carry them.
Southeast Division
Miami Heat — Kebab
Kebabs are a mix of dirty and delicious, and they are always good no matter the time of day or place. The current Miami Heat roster is exactly the same. Eric Spoelstra is a magician with his ability to train up the players he gets year upon year, especially given that all pundits acknowledge the lack of talent he has to work with. Nobody should ever say they don’t like the way the Heat play, even if they don’t like the idea of the Heat.
Orlando Magic — Frozen Quiche
Mum really needed to slap a dinner (or 8th seed playoff team) together so she chucked one of these bad boys into the oven. Although it does minimally satisfy, it never exceeds expectations. Then again you never really expect too much from it as it is.
Washington Wizards — Nandos
Sorry to contributor Lukas Petridis, but this is just never worth the price of admission. The one highlight on the menu just cannot outweigh the rest of it. Brad Beal may be worth the price of admission on any other team in the NBA, but with useless surrounding pieces that cost upwards of $40 million per year each (oops), I wouldn’t bother even entering the store.
Charlotte Hornets — KFC
Michael Jordan may be the most legendary figure in sports history, much like Colonel Sanders is to fast food. The status of these figures does not signify the quality of the brands they are attached to though. Michael Jordan is as subpar of an owner and talent manager as the way KFC food makes you feel. No matter how much you want that thing to be good, one hour after you are done with it you find yourself running to the bathroom with severe regret.
Atlanta Hawks — Thick Base Pizza (Your Local Pizza Place)
Travis Schlenk is trying to recreate the Warriors dynasty with lower quality ingredients. A thick base (Clint Capela, John Collins), fake ham (Kevin Huerter will never be Klay Thompson) and poor quality vegetables (all of their wing rotation) do not compare to the sleek thin base pizza with quality artisanal toppings that the Warriors have. Although cracking an egg on top of a shitty pizza is always some fun (Trae Young).
Western Conference
Northwest Division
Denver Nuggets — Trail Mix
Trail Mix is seemingly a pretty random assortment of nuts and dried fruit. As standalone products, they are merely role players in the grand scheme of food, but when you grab a handful all at once and funnel it into your mouth, the mixture of sweet and savoury never ceases to impress.
The Nuggets look like an NBA2K random draft of players, but Mike Malone has truly harnessed the power of these pieces altogether at once. When one piece goes down, the next steps up and produces in a very similar fashion much like the way any item in a trail mix is replaceable but ultimately still relevant.
Utah Jazz — Nachos
Unlike the Nuggets, the Jazz need everything to be firing on all cylinders in order to work out. This reminded me of any time I make the poor decision to purchase nachos. There is always something wrong with nachos; the chips are soggy, the salsa is flavourless or the guacamole hasn’t been freshly made. When all things are perfect, nachos can be a killer meal that can compete with any other, but once one thing falls off a cliff, the overall product falls with it.
Oklahoma City Thunder — Weet-Bix
The Thunder have been a reliable product since their beginning in 2008 just like Weet-Bix. Just when you think they are getting old, you add a new topping to your morning bowl and it is completely refreshed for the following months. The Thunder are constantly re-tooling and remaining relevant despite many forces working against them, I’m impressed.
Portland Trail Blazers — Hot and Sour Soup
It’s a simple recipe, put anything next to Damian Lillard and he’ll win games for you. But every time I watch the Trail Blazers I can’t help but think there are better moves they could have made and better accompaniments they could have put next to Dame. Hot and Sour soup is also good and simple, but with simplicity comes the lack of ability to compete with the depth of flavour of a good Ramen or Phở.
Minnesota Timberwolves — Avo Toast
The Timberwolves and their fans will certainly tell you how good they are, or how good they can be. Millennials will certainly tell you about the health aspects of Avocado on toast as vigorously. You know what guys, if I can make this at home for less than half the price, with the exact same quality of taste, you’re doing something wrong if you’re paying big money for it. And also, adding feta (D’Angelo Russell) didn’t add much at all did it?
Pacific Division
Los Angeles Lakers — McDonald’s
Unlike the Knicks, no matter how bad the Lakers product is, it seems acceptable. The Lakers are the most well-branded team in the league and have enough success in every ten year period to warrant their legend status. McDonald’s may not have the best fast food burger available (it’s the Whopper and don’t even try me on this) but they do have the most balanced menu and the significance of the Golden Arches. They will always be number one.
Los Angeles Clippers — Burger King/Hungry Jacks
The Clippers have the same pieces as a franchise that the Lakers do, they are based in Los Angeles after all. But no matter what they say or do, they will never be what the Lakers are. Yes, Hungry Jacks may have the best burger, but the rest of the menu pales in comparison to what McDonald’s can offer in both quality and flavour. They’re good, but trying to beat the best at their own game is quite often a poor decision (@theatlantahawks).
Sacramento Kings — Brussel Sprouts
Brussel Sprouts need to be so incredibly well seasoned to actually be any good. If not, these are not worth your time at all considering everything else that could be on offer. Speaking from experience, there are some people that genuinely like them for who they are, but they are broken, broken people.
Phoenix Suns — Soufflé
A properly made soufflé is one that rises, is fluffy and most importantly delicious. The Suns have had many instances in their past where they have risen to the top when their team has been properly built. However, if the wrong chef is baking, the soufflé will never rise, no matter the ingredients (or talent) available to them. Sell the team, Sarver.
Golden State Warriors — Your Local Cafe
Many questioned what the Warriors were doing when they were doing it. Trading Monta Ellis, sticking around through Steph Curry’s injuries and many of their draft picks. The movement of ‘Melbourne Cafes’ was also criticised severely. Ten years later however, people are spending over $20 per plate of eggs on bread, and the Warriors have taken over the world with their forward thinking decisions. Nowadays, nobody questions anything that your local cafe does nor what the Warriors decide to do, because it always works out.
Southwest Division
Memphis Grizzlies — Jalapeño
Jalapeños with the seeds in can be hot, simple as that. Many people get used to eating Jalapeños without the seeds in it though, and when they make the mistake of eating one that hasn’t been de-seeded, they live to regret it. The Grizzlies have the same fire and tenacity as the humble Jalapeño, and the 2019–2020 has been a great example of the punch that a hungry Grizzly team can pack.
San Antonio Spurs — Lasagna
This one is simple. Lasagnas aren’t bad, and even bad lasagnas are good. Do I need to say any more?
Houston Rockets — MRE Food Rations
Made Ready to Eat (MRE) Rations are foods that are made to be rehydrated when there are no other options available for sustenance. They are made in a lab. The Rockets roster is just the NBA version of ‘made in a lab’. They have one specific task, one specific procedure and they have been awfully successful considering what they are trying to do.
Dallas Mavericks — Cheeseburger
The Mavericks are constantly good, Rick Carlisle is probably a top-five NBA coach and the team refuses to have a losing season, much like how cheeseburgers are constantly a quality food. However, without ever having that one final piece, both cheeseburgers and the Mavericks will never rise to the top.
New Orleans Pelicans — Gravy
Smooth, fun and absolutely packed with flavour. The gravy that accompanies a roast can often carry the meat much further than it could go by itself, but is never more important than the meat itself. The Pelicans with a healthy Zion Williamson are incredibly watchable but no matter how good the Pelicans ever get, they feel like they will always be an accompaniment to the New Orleans Saints football team.
