4 ways to make the most of online parent communities

By: Puja Balachander, CEO at Devie

The early years of parenthood can be lonely! 68% of new parents in a survey conducted by Action for Children reported feeling cut off from friends and family, and the majority reported feeling lonely. One thing researchers have found can help is connecting with other parents who are going through similar highs and lows to you. Also, we’ve heard from Devie parents that children help them make new friends as an adult. When parents go to a local stay and play or parent-support group, they can make new, close friendships that last!

But the lockdown makes this tough. Even after restrictions are lifted, it seems as though opportunities to connect in person may be few and far between. So finding ways to make these meaningful connections online is important! But too often, these communities can feel judgmental. We’ve heard from many Devie parents that they avoid using online forums and groups because it makes them feel insecure about parenting. That’s why we used our insights from research and parent chats with Devie to put together a few guidelines on interacting with other parents online.

Offer suggestions rather than ‘rules’, because there’s no one right way to parent

It can be tempting to assume that there’s a single right or effective way of helping your little one sleep, behave, eat etc., especially when it worked for you and your child! It’s great to offer techniques and strategies that worked for you as suggestions — but it’s important to remember that every family and child is different, and needs to make their own choices.

And we’ve seen this in action! Now that hundreds of parents have talked to Devie, it’s interesting to see how activities that work well for some families don’t work at all for others. It shows us that there’s no “one size fits all” in parenting. So we can offer suggestions and advice, but keep in mind that each family needs to adapt and find what works for them.

Listen and validate, rather than offer advice

Parenting is a tough journey, and every parent we speak to has times when they feel insecure or like a “bad parent.” When another parent reaches out for support, it’s more helpful to acknowledge and validate their feelings, than to try to offer advice to fix the problem (unless they asked for advice). This is a technique that comes from research in mental health — sometimes the most useful thing you can do is say, “I know you’re feeling terrible right now, that’s okay, and I’m here for you.”

We saw this on Devie too — parents get frustrated with Devie when she offers advice or a fix right away. They wanted to tell her more about what was bothering them, and being offered a solution too soon made them feel like they were being forced to find solutions to their challenges before they were ready to.

Acknowledge feelings and share your experience, because judgment doesn’t change minds

An interesting insight from the science of behaviour change is that when people feel judged about their decisions or actions, they get defensive and actually become more convinced that they are correct. This is such a powerful insight! It means that even if a decision feels ‘wrong’ to you, telling someone they are wrong almost never changes their behaviour. On the contrary, it does more to convince them they are right!

So if you see a decision you don’t agree with, try to place yourself in the other parent’s shoes. How might they be feeling? What might have prompted them to make these decisions for their family?

If you’d like to engage, add your comment as ‘another point of view,’ not as ‘the right way.’ Consider acknowledging emotions, and offering your experience without commenting on the other parent’s choices. For example, “Ooh I remember that phase was difficult for me too, when we went through it we did…”

‘Treat others as you would like to be treated’

Now more than ever, online parent communities are a useful way to make meaningful connections, and feel less isolated. Following these guidelines as you engage can make them a more positive and supportive place for you and all the other parents online!

We’re building a community based on these guidelines at Devie through our private Feedback and Support Group on FB. If you’re interested in connecting with and supporting parents in an open and positive community, request to join here — https://www.facebook.com/groups/devieparentssupport/