SPICED UP: BEYOND BUTTER CHICKEN COLUMN
Navigating Patriarchy and Affection in the Spectacle of My Grand Indian Birthday
Tasting sweet balance of gender roles in The Birthday Dish (Payesh)
Reflection on Culture and Family: 16th of February 2024
Yes, I have officially entered midlife. 5th of Feb 2024 was my 35th Birthday. This gives me an official go ahead to think back on life.
I can now genuinely understand different perspectives, and reflect back on what’s right or wrong? Why should the birthday celebrations be any different?
Birthday celebrations have been a big thing in my life. My mom has been celebrating my birthdays by cooking up a storm for years now.
Since being married, now my wife has taken up the baton and doing great — if not better. Both the women have done a lot to make me feel special.
But, I am starting to question, “Am I forcing them to do this for me?”
Can’t be. I have never asked for it.
It is their pure love and affection that they are happy to do all the hard work, only to see me smiling, happy?
But what about the weight of expectations?
Birthday celebrations across the world:
Before I look at my birthday in seclusion, I wanted to understand how birthdays are celebrated world over.
Some cultures I have read about, have weird traditions like slurping the longevity noodles, in China, or having the fairy bread in Australia.
The Russians lace the clothesline with gifts for all children attending a birthday.
In Spain, friends pull our ear once for every year we’ve lived, and a really hard last pull for extra luck!
Argentina must be a lovely place where a birthday celebration is incomplete without sandwich, de miga and masas (tea sandwiches and sweet pastries.)
How can I forget the birthday bumps during college days in India, (an Irish tradition).
Canada has its own unique ways of rubbing the nose of the birthday boy, with butter or other greasy stuff.
Cultures might vary, but the day is celebrated with friends and family, having a good time together.
Have you heard of Grand Indian Birthday?
The idea is no different in India either. However the birthday celebration is evolving with time.
My wife is in a constant struggle to be the first one to send a happy birthday wish, right at the stroke of midnight. The phone starts ringing right at 00:00 AM, and probably many are even put on the queue.
WhatsApp forwards, and GIFs, crash the phones immediately after midnight and next morning.
A quiet family lunch with a big thali of dishes is changing into dining out in the restaurant, or a feast and booze with friends.
Cakes are also becoming the premier way of celebrating birthdays.
Here’s me cutting a cake with my family: (my daughter in tow, wearing a checkered frock) and friends from our building.
Why should men have all the fun?
But what about the weight of expectations?
In India we have a saying that: the way to a man’s heart goes through his stomach. India celebrates a man’s birthday through a big Indian thali.
But, Why should men have all the fun?
Right, India has culturally been a patriarchal society. Birthday celebrations are no different.
For ages only the birthday's of the male children are celebrated with fervor, girls never had any.
It was not so much in our family. My mom used to cook for all of us on birthdays.
But, Why should men have all the fun?
But I guess being the eldest son, she had a special place for my birthday. I always noticed, the biggest meal was celebrated on my birthday.
Now that I have a child, my wife cooks a huge feast for my daughter too. It didn’t matter that we don’t have a son.
We celebrate our daughter’s birthday the same way we would have if we had a son.
But did you notice me talking about my mother or my wife cooking for me? Why is it that it’s always the women who have to cook for the man? Even on his Birthday.
The weight of expectations?
The women are not forced to cook these days, but there is always an expectation that the wife should be a good cook. This is also an important criteria to select a bride for the groom.
Though a lot has changed in society, this subdued expectation still weighs the women down. Maybe the women feel the weight to cook a hearty meal for their husband or the son.
So, what does my father or I do as the men of the family. We’ll we get the shopping done, buy all the ingredients from the market. We help out as much as possible during the cooking process and after.
This might not be true for all families, but at least in our family that’s how the gender roles have been. There are families, where the wives do take care of the shopping too.
There is always an expectation that the wife should be a good cook. This is also an important criteria to select a bride for the groom.
But, thankfully in our family the men have supported the women by being the provider.
Do we celebrate the birthday of the women in our families then?
Well I must admit, we have never celebrated our parent’s birthday. We are not good at showing our love for our parents. Hence, my mother’s birthday isn’t celebrated either.
My dad doesn’t cook, so I guess he never cooked a meal for my mother. However, on my wife’s birthday I try to do as little as possible, and surprise her with an hearty meal, the way she likes.
I also do all the shopping of ingredients myself. So from that perspective we do reciprocate the love we are showered with.
I feel this is the best way to merge gender roles and ensure we respect each other.
Back to my birthday celebration…
Like every Bengali, I love fish, and I love a home made feast. The birthday is no different.
I could not visit my parents on my birthday this time. Hence, my wife celebrated the birthday here in Kolkata with a biiiig Bengali thali.
I visited my parents in the subsequent week, and she cooked for me even though the birthday had passed.
Here’s a few glimpses of what all was cooked.
The Bengali Birthday Thali
A Bengali Thali experience starts with Bhaja Bhuji ( fried knick-knacks). Normally five- nine different fried snacks are prepared, and served as an entrée or appetizers.
I had seven different kinds of Bhaja (fried) dishes:
- Fried water spinach fry
- Fried potatoes
- Daal bori fry(dried lentil paste shallow fried )
- Fried fish
- Fried pointed gourd
- Crispy fried eggplant slice
- Crispy fried pumpkin slice
Main Dish:
Rice / Polao is the main dish. Here I had steamed white rice.
The rice was accompanied by different varieties of side dishes.
I had chicken curry home style, cabbage and potato dry curry, Moong Daal, Alu posto (potato and poppy seeds curry), chutney, papad.
In desert she cooked Payesh, a typical Bengali rice pudding, along with some sweets and Sandesh (a Kolkata specialty).
The Birthday Dish : Payesh / Payasham / Kheer
Out of the many dishes in the thali, Payesh is the most significant. Payesh is almost synonymous with Bengali tradition for good luck. My mom used to cook the Payesh for me every year, and now my wife has taken over.
If you would like to surprise your loved one with a royal creamy desert, form India, here’s a quick recipe.
The Recipe
Here is a quick link to a detailed video along with exact instruction for the Payesh. DO give this a watch.
Balance of flavors : Patriarchy and Affection
The balance of sweetness from sugar/jaggery, creaminess from the concentrated milk, subtle aroma of cardamom and intermittent crunch of the cashew and resins, makes Payesh a royal dish.
Similarly it’s the perfect balance of gender roles in my Indian family, that make the birthdays a memorable one. It might not be perfect or ideal but it still is a balance of the best both the man and woman can offer in a family.
To the outside world this might not look the best, but once we achieve the right balance, this feels heavenly.
Equality between man and woman is always a work in progress and we must keep improving.
Catch up on last week’s Spiced Up: More Than Butter Chicken topic here:
See you next!
How do you normally celebrate your birthday?
Do you think it’s fair for women to always cook?
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