Coffee or Anxiety?
Another morning started with a jab of anxiety in mind.
How did I end up starting this day with anxiety in mind?
I should’ve stayed with my routine and skipped the alcohol that I chugged last night.
Seeing my friends personally after a year of social isolation was nice.
I should’ve done that earlier.
Did she just ghosted me?
I think I’m getting too emotionally invested in her.
I miss her. Should I try messaging her again?
It must be the alcohol playing games with me again.
These were some of the thoughts that came rushing into my mind the moment that I woke up. And honestly, this is not healthy nor fun.
It’s in shambles, unstructured — chaotic.
Fighting these thoughts in my head has started to become a daily occurrence for me and it’s getting tiresome.
No, I’m not suicidal.
Perhaps frustrated — would suit best in describing the emotions that I’ve been feeling with these thoughts.
There must be something or someone that’s been making me think of these unhealthy thoughts — maybe it’s myself. Maybe it’s because of how I’m holding back at things. How I’m too calculative in some ways — fearing the mistakes that may come would be too painful to bear. Or the cocoon that I’ve made to protect myself from people, to push them away from me.
Perhaps the only way to fight the demons of anxiety is to let free the mind that’s been bound by rationality. To let the emotions run free like a stallion — to take the leap and dive freely from the clouding thoughts within. Hoping that perhaps, making a mistake will bring the clarity that I seek.
That maybe it will bring peace and freedom to a weary heart and mind.
Or perhaps, I just needed a cup of coffee.
