Don’t Worry, You’ll Figure It Out
A New Parents Nightmare
As a new mother, there was one phrase that I came to despise — “Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out”. This was usually used after expressing my frustrations with my new baby, and was accompanied by a pat on the head or arm and possibly an attempt at a reassuring hug.
When I was young, I had one goal in life — I wanted to be a mother. There was nothing I wanted more. When I married my husband, we knew we wanted to be young parents — and we were extremely lucky to be successful. My son was born three days before our first wedding anniversary, when I was 25 years old.
Growing up, there were only 4 1/2 years between me and my youngest sibling. I was the oldest, and I don’t remember either my brother or my sister as a baby. I didn’t have a lot of cousins, and lived in a rural area where babysitting opportunities were not common. I simply didn’t have the opportunity to gain experience with babies.
As a young adult, while dating my husband, he had two older siblings — both who had children while we were dating. However, I was away at school for several years and after returning home I worked constantly — I was not a significant figure in the lives of his nieces and nephew.
This created an environment where, upon becoming a mother, I simply didn’t have the basic knowledge of how to take care of a baby. How to navigate the everyday trials and tribulations. Don’t get me wrong — I had poured over baby book after baby book and picked the brains of those around me at every opportunity. Still, learning about how to care for a baby and actually caring for a baby are two totally different things! This uncertainty and fear are part of what caused me to spiral into a period of postpartum depression that would change my life. I have written about that at length in my memoir ( www.jessicagalefriesen.com for that one!). However, that is not the point of this particular blog.
During my pregnancy with Eddie, and in the months after, I would approach others with questions — how did they deal with a particular issue? I was repeatedly told, “Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out”. This did not help, and did nothing other than end the conversation quickly. I felt scared and alone, and felt that I had very little support. I’ll stop here for a moment to state that there was no intent on anyone’s part to make me feel like this — they truly believed that I would figure it out.
Consequently, dozens of people around me all answered with the same response. Why would they all believe the same thing?
Most likely because that’s the response they had also received when they were new parents.
Nevertheless, why would that be the response that they had received? I believe it’s because of how the idea of a nuclear family has changed significantly and swiftly — in only the past one hundred years.
Families were larger a hundred years ago — families with five or more children were common. This created an environment where all the women had experience with a baby of some kind. Raising children was truly a group effort. The older children would assist with raising their younger sibling, then when the older siblings had children of their own the younger siblings would assist with raising the new generation. In this way, by the time a woman became a mother herself, they would already have lots of experience — and would know what to expect, and how to manage.
Fast forward to 2021 and the nuclear family is smaller. Typically only two children. There are those who reach adulthood having never even held a baby. For many, the first baby they ever hold is their own. They have no prior experience with children, and have no idea how to manage.
In this way, generation after generation passed down the same phrase — “Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out”. Moreover, this was true, at least until the last hundred years.
These days, this phrase is a feared response by many new parents. No one wants to hear this phrase — it is not advice, and it is not reassuring. It only reinforces the new parents feelings of isolation and fear.
I know, because I experienced it.
It is time that we start being totally honest about pregnancy, child birth, and parenthood — not sugar coating the experiences or placating the new parent. Sharing the true stories. Having children is hard. We do worry, and sometimes people don’t ‘figure it out’. That’s when really bad things happen.
So, if someone asks you for advice as a new or soon to be parent — don’t give that response. Don’t pat them on the arm and tell them they’ll be ok. Tell them what you did in their position. Tell them what did or didn’t work. Don’t be worried about scaring them — they are already scared! Any nugget of advice you can provide will just give them another thing to try. It will only help.
Until next time……………………………… XO-JGF
Let’s connect! Email me at hello@jessicagalefriesen.com!
