Doubt leaks into the mind like a disease.
Silent but deadly.
The killer symptom of anxiety if you ask me.
“Maybe I should not have said that”
Handing in my papers on a thursday. Feeling really good about what I wrote. A friend tells me it was such a good read.
12:41 on a friday night laying in bed watching anime.
Doubt whispers, “I want my paper back.”
The colors on my t.v screen blur together as I imagine, climbing into my teacher’s home and snatching my paper back, ripping it to shreds, and burning the remaining pieces.
Monday morning, I am sitting in class and I get my paper back.
So, so many comments.
Feeling beyond discouraged, beyond the edge.
I bite my tongue and scroll to the end of the email.
I’ve reached pain, but I’ve managed to get a B.
The tone I received through my teachers many comments feel like a “How dare you?” with a splash of attitude.
My sister’s words echo in my head, “She is so entitled”.
Maybe I am.
With death on my breathe and decay on my heart.
The next email I read says,
Hello Samantha,
Due to a high number of appointments, we are not scheduling any initial appointments at this time.
We can assist you with referrals for other providers outside the university who may be taking new clients or you can schedule for an initial appointment in January 2022 at the start of the spring semester.
However, if your situation is urgent, you can always call or come in to the Counseling Center on any day during office hours and we will see you for an urgent session.
Best,
School Counseling Center
My other sister’s words ring in my ear,
“you are not alone.”
But I am.
I’ve gone through so many years, and situations on my own,
I can get through this too.
I am not alone?
Tastes like bullshit on my tongue. No one sees me, no one hears me.
“No one wants to”.
Regression.
