Give Up or Not Give Up?
Finally, I am home for the night. It is almost two in the morning and I am exhausted after a long evening at work. A job that doesn’t seem like it’s that hard, but the stress that comes with it could almost take a person out it seems. I just pulled up the driveway, along an uphill driveway with a drop-off on one side, and although I’m ready to relax I have yet to get out of my truck.
It’s quiet out here where I live. The country sky is filled with beautiful stars each night, which I seem to miss due to focusing all my attention on the business of life. Yet, here in my truck, I sit, thinking. So many thoughts roll through my mind, many of which seem like a marquee sign that is on repeat. How I wish they would stop for a while, but I’m afraid that will not become a reality of mine at the moment.
Struggles are a frequent occurrence of mine. Of course, I believe that struggles are pretty much what you make them out to be in a way. You can either allow them to continue and do nothing, or you can do something to change them. And that is where I am stuck right now. I am an overthinker for the most part. But one thing I have not done in my life yet is give up. I have built up myself to be someone who doesn’t allow themselves to stay down when they fall. I have always pushed myself to get back up, working toward what would be best for me and my kids. In this chapter of my life, however, I am it of ideas on how to pick myself up and keep pushing.
Life always tries to bring you down. There will always be something that life tries to throw at you to try to get you to give up. The question is, how much can you take before you break? How long can you keep fighting before you're too beaten down?
I have fought for a long time. I have fought for a life, which I had all planned out around age 6, that I wanted for myself. A life I wanted to give my children. Unfortunately, that is not the life that I have seen myself succeed at making. Instead, the life I have lived has been filled with hurt, grief, anger, and fear. Yet, I have never given up before. So much of myself says that I have had enough. No more fighting. Just find acceptance with what you have right now. But the other part of me says that this is not the life I had in mind so there is still some fighting to do. Things occur in life to build you up. My family has always said “God gives his toughest battles to his strongest warriors” so if that is true then I am a pretty strong person, but there is always room for strength and it is always needing a refill for me.
If God believes that I can handle the things I am faced with in life, then why am I doubting that He knows what He is doing. If that is my belief then why am I fighting against that belief while being so ready to give up on fighting for better things in life?
Giving up is not an option for me. Two little girls look to me for guidance. Two little girls continue to cheer me on in midst of the struggles I am faced with. Those two little girls, deserving a life that they too can be proud of, give me strength when I don’t seem to have enough. To give up is to let them down too. I REFUSE TO GIVE UP TODAY.
After processing ideas through my mind, the air outside gets colder and colder. Winter is coming and sitting in the truck all night doesn’t seem to be the best idea with the temperature dropping by the minute. I say good night to the stars in the sky. Making a promise to myself to stop and take a second each night to look at them and enjoy their beauty as they light up another country night. I gather my bags out of my truck and get ready to walk into my house where my boyfriend is waiting, another reason sitting outside all night may not be a great idea, and enjoy the time that I have right now without letting the stress outside my home follow me through those doors and dragging me down anymore.
