Parenting Advice — Take It or Leave It
Unfortunately, and perhaps frustratingly, there is no guide to parenting. There is a lot of parenting advice out there, but there’s no ‘right’ way to parent, and what works for one child may not work for another — even in the same family. When my son was a baby this was an extremely overwhelming concept — and it added to the anxiety I felt after he was born. I feared that I was a bad mom — that the decisions that I was making were wrong, and that someone would one day realize I was the greatest threat to my son and take him away from me.
As much as you might think “That’s ridiculous!”, this was a very real fear of mine and for many other first time parents. It’s my job to ensure that my little ones grow up to be decent, responsible, respectful adults. I sought advice from anyone, anywhere, and there were two pieces that I received that made all the difference to me as a young mother. These two pieces of advice became critical to the way I raised my children.
The first was, begin the way you wish to end.
This means — if you want your child to do something, set the end goal from the very beginning. Children adapt to the environment they are raised in, and the expectations set out for them. If you want your child to use their manners, saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, expect that of them from the start. Reinforce at every opportunity exactly what you expect. Be consistent!
A great example of this was my children’s naptime. My mother always told me that, to ensure the kids could sleep through anything, I had to refrain from providing an environment of absolute quiet during naptime. So, vacuuming was usually done during the kids naptime — and it worked like a charm. Even to this day, my kids can sleep through almost any noise (in a way, this has backfired as my son can sleep through his alarm).
The second piece of advice was, you have until your child is fourteen years old to teach them everything and anything you feel they need to know to be responsible, respectful people. I was told that, at the age of fourteen, most children will stop listening to their parents and will do whatever they want to do. So, as a parent, you must give them the tools to make the good decisions and then hope and pray that they do this.
My son is now fourteen years old. So, now I have to hope and pray that I’ve done my job well and given him the tools to make good decisions.
I was chatting with a colleague about these pieces of advice a few years ago. I told her that I was striving to have frank, honest conversations with my then ten-year old son in an effort to ensure he was prepared for the teenage years. She thought this was wise advice, but as a mother of adult children, offered another morsel of parenting advice that I have taken to heart: “After the age of fourteen, hang back, observe, and always be ready for the moment that your teenager wants to talk. It might not be at a convenient time, but you must be there whenever they want to talk. Eventually, they will turn to you as a friend and confidante — sometimes it takes years, but it will happen”.
The idea is that, by always showing an interest in their lives, but not being pushy or invasive, they will trust that they can come to you at any time. In good times and in bad. They will trust that you are a safe zone, one where they can be open and honest.
I know that the first piece of advise works — starting how you wish to finish. To this point, I can say that the second piece of advise works — my fourteen year old is a respectful, responsible young man. I hope that the third piece of advise works — as I am now hanging back and trying to be there when he needs me without being pushy.
Time will tell, and I have to wonder how the teenage years will differ between my son and my daughter who is only twelve.
The most important thing for any parent to remember is — there is no ‘right’ way of doing things. Every child is unique, and every situation presents unique challenges. Make the best decision with the information you have at the time — and know that you will not always succeed. If a decision turns out to be poor, learn from it and move on.
Just remember to try your best. All your child really needs to know is that you love them!
Until next time………………………………………………. XO-JGF
I’d love to hear about any parenting advice you have! Let’s connect! Email me at hello@jessicagalefriesen.com!
