Where Would DeMarcus Cousins Be Happiest?

DeMarcus Cousins is not happy with the Sacramento Kings. And nor should he be. They’re currently 4–8, already evidence that the franchise’s sustained mediocrity hasn’t abated in the slightest. Since Cousins arrived in 2010, the Kings have not won more than 33 games in a season (last year). He’s never made the playoffs, despite career averages of 20.3 points, 10.7 rebounds and 1.2 blocks. This season, Boogie is averaging 26.6 points and 9.3 rebounds while getting to the foul line 11 times per game. But again, the Kings still suck.

Cousins has been linked with trade talk for most of his career, and now it finally seems like he might be traded. It simply wasn’t meant to be for Cousins in Sacramento. He’ll get a new start somewhere else, hopefully where he can finally realize his potential in massive playoff games rather than exciting after-midnight games on NBA TV where he: a) gets ejected or b) somehow carries his team to a win. Boogie in the playoffs is a good, exciting thing for everyone. Most of all, it’d be good for Boogie to play in some meaningful games, something he honestly hasn’t done since his halcyon days at Kentucky.

So where would Cousins actually be the happiest? He clashes with coaches — although he’s never had a great coach — and he’s temperamental. He’s extremely blunt and forthright at times, a personality trait a lot of higher-ups don’t appreciate in the same way Twitter and Vine do. He needs the ball a lot, and he has never been a fantastic passer. His defense is good when he tries, but he doesn’t always try. Oh, and the best player he’s ever played with is Rudy Gay; only Anthony Davis can say something worse than that. Would moving down south to Los Angeles change everything? Or would the bright lights of New York be his best fit?

Let’s take a look at what all 30 teams in the NBA have to offer Cousins and what kind of attitude they can expect from him:

ANGRY BOOGIE

Brooklyn Nets — This is really true for anyone, actually. Imagine: You wake up, have some coffee, turn on the news and see your ass is headed to the Nets. That’d piss anybody off.

He actually wouldn’t be a terrible fit here, and he and Jeremy Lin combining would be a truly bizarre but potent combination. Still, the fact remains that if there’s a franchise currently worse off and more poorly managed than the Kings, it’s the Nets. Not exactly what Cousins is looking for in this stage of his career.

New Orleans Pelicans — If Cousins somehow ended up in New Orleans, he might just retire. Sure, he and Anthony Davis would be exciting, but think of all the terrible, no-good players New Orleans would have to trade to Sacramento to get Cousins. Bye bye, lottery draft picks, too.

In a NBA2K world, however, this team might be unstoppable. Alas, while Davis and Cousins would easily contend for the best duo in league history with 13 other guys who shouldn’t be in the league, an insane video-game pairing does not make for winning basketball games. After a year or so, both of these guys would probably demand to be jointly traded.

Los Angeles Lakers — The Lakers are young and exciting with a hip, relatable coach. Los Angeles is fun and vibrant with so many things to do. If DeAndre Jordan and Blake Griffin have gotten on the inside track in Hollywood, just imagine Cousins acting in car commercials or Funny or Die videos.

But they’re still in the midst of a rebuilding process — otherwise known as moving on from Byron Scott — and there’s no way Cousins is being told to wait two or three more years. No way he trusts D’Angelo Russell either.

Philadelphia 76ers — To stress it one more time, Cousins is not about a rebuilding process right now. Yes, that includes The Process.

DEPRESSED BOOGIE

Washington Wizards — In the rankings of unhappy superstars, John Wall is oh-so-close to joining Cousins. He doesn’t get along with his backcourt mate Bradley Beal, his coach Scott Brooks was hired purely for the wildly unrealistic scenario they could get Kevin Durant and no one on the roster has ever improved. Seriously, Otto Porter Jr., Kelly Oubre, whoever the hell their power forward is now. These guys don’t get better. They just get stuck in mediocrity while Wall does the heavy lifting.

A reunion of Wall and Cousins should be exciting, too, but that’s what would make this even more depressing. To see what has happened for both of these guys so far in their careers and then placing them side by side on another terrible franchise, ouch. Maybe if the Wizards hire John Calipari, this could get interesting.

Dallas Mavericks — This is primarily depressing because of just how depressing the Mavericks have become. Dirk Nowitzki can’t get on the court, a worrisome thing for someone his age. Harrison Barnes has shunned all the haters and has been a really good player, but it hasn’t translated into wins. And then… well, that’s it.

Throwing Cousins into this mix would result in a major depression. He’d occupy the same space and role as he does in Sacramento for a better franchise, better coach and no state income tax. But he’d probably take on the mindset of a Mavs fan: It’s fun and exciting to see some of these guys, but where is this all going? He’d begin to think things like “wow, coach Rick Carlisle and owner Mark Cuban are so good at what they’re doing, so why aren’t we winning more or better prepared for the future or doing anything to plan for a post-Dirk world?” Damn, Boogie, those are heavy thoughts.

Orlando Magic — Like you and most of the NBA world, Cousins has no idea what the fuck the Magic are doing.

Phoenix Suns — The only thing keeping Phoenix from turning Cousins into an angry, unsatisfied monster is Devin Booker. Booker is another Kentucky product and would immediately become one of the better players Cousins has ever taken the court with. That’s about it, and Phoenix doesn’t offer better, quicker opportunities than Sacramento, just a different city and franchise to flounder and underperform with.

Miami Heat — Wow, this would be boring. South Beach would be a lot of fun for Cousins, for sure, but playing alongside Hassan Whiteside might not be the best thing for Cousins. The combination of the two might literally explode the NBA internet community and result in 30 or so wins on the season.

Also, Cousins probably doesn’t care about the aura of Pat Riley all that much.

PASSIVE BOOGIE

Sacramento Kings — LOL.

Denver Nuggets — This seems like more of the same for Cousins. Another franchise that could never put it together with its mercurial superstar (Carmelo Anthony), and now has a lot of decent, young players. Add Cousins and the Nuggets probably make the playoffs, but it’d still make for a lackadaisical Cousins thinking he can get away with defensive lapses and dumb shots. Simply, Emmanuel Mudiay is not the point guard to constantly push Cousins and get the best out of him. At least not for a few years, anyways.

Utah Jazz — Where does Cousins fit on this thriving, youthful squad? Does he take over the leadership role from Gordon Hayward? How does he fit with either Rudy Gobert or Derrick Favors? How does he like the cold weather of Salt Lake City? These are all questions that are answered with Boogie finally in the playoffs but not necessarily doing anything with it.

In Utah, he can be the guy some nights or he can just coast when he’s not feeling it. Is being a perennial sixth or fifth seed without a real championship shot better than constantly winning 30 games? OK, yeah it definitely is, but that would eventually make for a passive, potentially even more disappointed Cousins.

Detroit Pistons — It’d be hard to be a passive player under coach Stan Van Gundy — unless you’re Dwight Howard — but the Pistons are a similarly youthful, exuberant and still somewhat stuck franchise. Reggie Jackson, Andre Drummond and some of the other pieces are really good, but this just doesn’t seem like a good fit for Cousins. He and Drummond would create a lifetime-lasting friendship but, on the court, they’d both get in each other’s way. And Jackson is a good point guard and has improved a lot in recent years. He’d still infuriate Cousins, though.

Atlanta Hawks — Maybe the biggest shrug of all possible destinations is Atlanta. The moment Cousins finally he hears he’s been traded goes from jubilant exultation to quietly stunned resignation. Rather than make any plans or think about his fit in the roster, he goes back to checking his DM’s.

LOST BOOGIE

Golden State Warriors — Boogie would immediately step into the center role, and the Warriors would win not three, not four, not five championships. But at what cost to his career and other desires? If Cousins only wants to get rings, then Golden State is the place for him. But he’ll average 14 and 10 while doing so. Something tells me Cousins wants a little more active role even if he’s consistently contending for titles.

Cleveland Cavaliers — Think Kevin Love has had it rough as the Cavaliers’ third best player? Yes, he’s got a ring but, at times, Love has looked lost, forlorn and downright miserable. Cousins is typically even more grumpy and prone to negative reactions than Love. The game where LeBron James and Kyrie Irving combined to score over 80 points while Cousins gets four and 15 is particularly brutal for him. I can already hear Mike Breen saying: “And Cousins, taking a backseat role but not letting that get to him, is dominating the boards despite having only two shot attempts tonight!” Does Cousins actually want that?

San Antonio Spurs — LaMarcus Aldridge and Cousins would not be a good pairing. And you know how Aldridge has looked lost at times with the Spurs, having great games one night and then ones where he completely disappears? That’ll happen with Boogie, and he hasn’t yet showed the temperament of a Tim Duncan to be ok with that kind of role night-to-night.

Minnesota Timberwolves — Where does Cousins fit with this team? He doesn’t.

Boston Celtics — If the Al Horford signing hadn’t happened, this would be one of the best destinations for Cousins. But it did happen, and it now creates a logjam in the paint. So if he were traded to Boston, he’d always feel like a second choice, creating mistrust with the franchise and, in particular, Horford. Horford ruined his chance to play for coach Brad Stephens in a city that bleeds basketball. “Fuck Al,” Cousins thinks, as he keeps the ball from a wide-open Horford to charge into the paint for a turnover.

Los Angeles Clippers — The Clippers have been one of the best teams on this young NBA season. Chris Paul, J.J. Redick, Griffin and Jordan are all clicking at the moment and — if it weren’t for Golden State — they might be favorites to make the Finals. Cousins might put them over the top but, like the rest of the teams in this section, does Cousins really want to take a contributor role behind Griffin and Jordan. The answer is emphatically no.

EXCITED BOOGIE

Charlotte Hornets — Now we’re talking. The Hornets are missing one piece to elevate them to being one of the best teams in the league. They have the big-game ready champion and leader Kemba Walker at point guard. They have the versatile, do-it-all wing player in Nicolas Batum. They have a hungry, defensive beast in Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, as well as some exciting younger prospects like Cody Zeller and Frank Kaminsky. What’s missing? Boogie.

Remember how good Al Jefferson was for the Hornets? In his best season in Charlotte, Big Al averaged 21.8 points and 10.8 rebounds. Cousins is a quicker, more athletic Big Al who can play better defense and shoot further out. This almost makes too much sense.

Memphis Grizzlies — #GritAndGrind knows how to treat its franchise players — just ask Michael Conley or Marc Gasol. Cousins has never been treated all that well by the Kings, but the Grizzlies would equate him to a king. As Zach Randolph slowly gets phased out and takes on a bench role, Cousins steps right into his role and immediately begins to dominate the paint with Gasol. The only reason this isn’t one of the better teams on the ranking is the fact that both Conley and Gasol are getting old. Cousins might only have one or two years to make this work before [*shudders*] he’s back at a rebuilding process.

Indiana Pacers — Paul George is one of the best players in the NBA. Myles Turner is one of the most exciting young guys in the league and, despite their similar positions, could definitely coexist with Cousins in the paint. Don’t look at the rest of the roster or the fact that Indiana cares much more about college basketball than the NBA, and everything is gravy.

But with how weak the Eastern Conference is, a Cousins trade places the Pacers just behind the Cavaliers. It wouldn’t be flashy or historic, but it would be winning basketball with a major role for Cousins.

Chicago Bulls — This franchise has seen better days, but it still has a lot going for it. Cousins would be playing in a wonderful city, alongside Dwyane Wade and Jimmy Butler. He’d even get to reunite with his buddy Rajon Rondo, even though that might be a horrible idea for everyone else involved.

Nonetheless, the Bulls have looked good this season despite a relatively new roster and not having a reliable scoring big man. Cousins changes all that, as he can contribute defensively and score a ton of buckets for a team that’ll struggle to get easy points. This is the stable yet promising choice for Cousins.

New York Knicks — If his team is going to suck, it might as well be in New York, right? Playing with Kristaps Porzingis would be enticing, but he’ll hit several of the walls that Carmelo Anthony has already hit. Phil Jackson is a much better coach than president of a franchise. Derrick Rose isn’t that good anymore. The Knicks franchise almost has disappointment and fatigue built into its history. The sheer fact that Porzingis and living in New York bring the Knicks up to this level shows the potential Kristaps has and how great it can be to live in the greatest city in the world — especially when your team sucks.

MOTIVATED AND READY TO DESTROY ALL WORLDS BOOGIE

Toronto Raptors — Kyle Lowry, DeMar DeRozan and Cousins makes Toronto basketball instantly a must-watch. Sorry, Drake and Canadians, but this team still hasn’t been that fun to watch even with all the winning and scoring. But Coustins skyrockets the Raptors to legitimate title contention, not just they could maybe win the title if the Cavaliers and James never existed.

One of the best duos in the league would also turn into one of the best Big Threes in the league. And three heads are better than two, right?

Portland Trail Blazers — Much like Toronto, a trio of Damian Lillard, C.J. McCollum and Cousins is delectably thrilling. All the Blazers are missing is a big man to throw it to on the block to open up even more threes for their shooters. This should happen.

Houston Rockets — I’ve talked a lot about combinations, duos or teams that could effectively end NBA reddits, memes and the whole community before. But James Harden and Cousins would absolutely destroy everything we know about basketball, making fun of basketball players online and watching clips of players getting embarrassed in six-second highlights.

Harden would average a triple-double. Cousins would average 30 and 15. The rest of the team would be draining threes, and the Rockets would average close to 120 a night. Don’t think too much about the defense. Just think about all the bananas TNT night games where Harden and Cousins combined for 70 points, 30 rebounds and 20 assists. When they invented basketball, they couldn’t have seen this was coming.

Oklahoma City Thunder — Please, oh basketball lords, please make this beautiful union happen. There should really be written about this here, but anytime I think about Russell Westbrook and DeMarcus Cousins on the same team, I blackout. That says it all.

Milwaukee Bucks — Exit Greg Monroe. Enter Cousins with Giannis Antetokounmpo, new and improved WTF point guard, Jabari Parker, head coach Jason Kidd and so many other lanky players. This team won’t win a championship this year or maybe even the next, but the future is bright. It’s difficult not to froth at the mouth picturing Point Giannis sprinting up the court and lobbing an alley-oop to Cousins during a Game 7 in Milwaukee against the Raptors.

If I were Cousins — note: I am a recent college graduate with a retail job, so I am nothing like Cousins — I would try and angle my way to Houston. General manager Daryl Morey has shown he’s willing to do anything to compete, and he could surely continue to improve the roster around Harden and Cousins. With coach Mike D’Antoni leading the way with his ridiculous offense, nothing could stop the Rockets.

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