What is Gareth Bale?
Lionel Messi is the greatest soccer player of all-time, just don’t tell older generations that. Cristiano Ronaldo is a Michelangelo sculpture come to life for the sole purpose of breaking scoring records, making people irrationally hate him and hiking up his shorts. Luis Suarez is both a tremendous goal-scorer and the worst Dracula protégé ever. Even Neymar is now the world’s most famous athlete to ever shill for a Quesarito. Simply put, the current best soccer players around the world are easily identifiable, brand-able beings of immense talent and special characteristics. Yet, one amongst the very, very top remains an enigma. With a man-bun accentuating his blistering pace on the ball, we still don’t know about Gareth Bale.
Gareth Frank Bale (yes, his middle name is actually Frank which probably says more about him than the rest of this piece) was born in Wales and has played for Southampton, Tottenham and Real Madrid over a sterling, young career thus far. However, none of that truly defines Bale: he’s been a rising star at Southampton, the best player at Tottenham for a club that still couldn’t reach Champions League with him, and a divisive, sometimes spectacular piece for arguably the best club in the world at Real Madrid. None of these are Bale anymore, especially regarding his time at Real where they seemingly despise him for breathing Madrid air at times. As he enters his 27th full year on this year, it’s as good a time as any to finally find out just what Gareth Bale is.
A Welshman?
Well, obviously Bale is, but that’s really not what we’re trying to get at here. Although, I guess that begets a complicated idea about what it means to be a Welshman in the 21st century, if that even exists anymore, thanks to the world being more international and connected than it’s ever been with the advancements in technology and so on. Bale probably has specific, impassioned opinions about the relationship between Wales and England, and you’d have to think just growing up in Wales brings about some sort of complex in the minds of all those young, impressionable Welshmen and Welshwomen. Does Bale speak Welsh? And does he have to to truly be considered “a Welshman”? Is identity even still linked to the country where we’re born or is it a more fluid concept encompassing heritage, race, ethnicity and however a person may feel? Umm, this isn’t that kind of article, but yes Bale’s from Wales.
A god?
Maybe. Tottenham probably thinks so. He left Hotspurs for an insane amount of cash to Real Madrid, and Spurs fans would get down on their knees and pray for his return. To be a true god, he’d have to bring them Champions League, though. For Wales, he might actually transcend being and, if this were centuries ago, he’d enter folklore and his name would be told around a fire on holidays. Recently, he helped them get their first win in a major tournament since 1958. 1958! Do you know who was relevant in the 1958 World Cup? No, you don’t and neither do I because we weren’t alive. The entire Welsh national team is structured around his abilities, his preferred playing position and his hairstyle. So, for these two, Bale as a god is a possibility.
Everywhere else, though, argues heavily against Bale being a god in human, free-kick scoring form. Firstly, the fact that at least 99% of the world’s population doesn’t believe that gods walk among us really hurts his chances. With Real Madrid, he’s booed incessantly and constantly criticized when the club loses or doesn’t play well, no matter how many goals he scores or how much effort he shows trying to learn Spanish. He could score a hat-trick, speak lovely and fluent Spanish to your grandmother and bite Suarez year after year, and Real fans would still never love him, let alone deify him. If he reads Don Quixote in its entirety and actually has something of value to bring to the book club, maybe. For now, absolutely not.
And, lastly, if my friends and I have any say on determining whether someone is a god, we decidedly say “no” to Bale. We first mocked him by calling him Chareth Bale, then completely renamed him to Chareth Cutestory for no valid reason whatsoever other than it’s kind of funny to make fun of him. That doesn’t sound godlike to me.
An overrated player who can’t handle the big moments?
Highly unlikely, even for the most ardent Bale haters. Just in the past month, he’s helped Real Madrid to a Champions League (including scoring 19 goals in all competitions) and, as mentioned previously, he scored a magnificent free-kick goal for Wales in their opening Euro 2016 game. Bale is good at soccer and, maybe like his counterpart Ronaldo, part of the hate is due to the fact he’s really really really ridiculously good-looking.
The best international man-bun model?
This is where things get interesting, as only one other man presents a challenge to this title: Jared Leto of Hollywood, CA. A quick google search of “man-bun” is extremely revealing on this matter, as Jared Leto represents the only immediately recognizable face amongst a sea of attractive, skinnier Khal Drogo look-alikes. Yet, is this just American bias coming into play? Have more people around the world seen Bale’s pacey speed, accented by his perfectly still man-bun, than they’ve seen Leto’s pretty face accept RESPECTED FILM AWARDS with tone-deaf speeches? We may never know the truth, and it’s unfortunate because Leto doesn’t even need the title. He’s an Academy Award winner first, and lead singer of Thirty Seconds to Mars second. For now, neither Leto or Bale can claim the best man-bun model in the world, ceding the belt to an amalgam of white faces with trimmed beards, piercing eyes and hideous Asian symbol arm tattoos.
An efficient, speedy and at times dominant soccer-playing machine who can score goals through a variety of long-shots, free-kicks and explosive headers?
Yeah, probably, but that’s too easy.
Bradley Cooper’s next best friend at a tennis tournament?
Potentially, although increasingly difficult to predict. It’s no secret that Bradley Cooper loves him some Grand Slam tennis, appearing at both the French Open and Wimbledon the past few years. The only thing he loves more than watching Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal and others on tennis’s biggest stages? Watching it with his boys. Who gets the coveted seat next to Cooper, effectively becoming his Flavor of the Summer, is sometimes even more interesting than the action on the court (sorry, Andy Murray). Gerard Butler has been the most famous to take this spot, giggling and smiling with Cooper as the two took selfies and commiserated over their regrets (Aloha for Cooper and everything that doesn’t begin with How to Train Your Dragon for Butler). Tony Parker has spent time next to Cooper, surely to remind the world that Cooper does speak fluent French and totally had a transformative semester abroad. Suki Waterhouse, one-time girlfriend of Cooper, sat in a Wimbledon seat next to Cooper, most likely to dispel the rumors that he just likes to hang out with his bros watching sports. Even an unidentified man in a Brooklyn Nets cap took the mantle for a time, a true shock considering, solely based off of his headwear, how much he must hate himself.
Bale, it would appear, is ripe for this opportunity. He has the fashion sense, the name and, who are we kidding, a trio of Cooper, Butler and Bale would probably combust the internet. He’d be a trendy, smart pick for Cooper as well, showing that he understands soccer is the world’s sport and he definitely gets it. Yet, there is still one other challenger that might be better… god dammit, it’s Leto again! Leto is about to get that Joker money and fame and, surely if he’s smart, he’ll parlay that into watching Novak Djokovic win another championship with Cooper whispering in his ear between points about how present Robert DeNiro is on set. Bale done in again by his rival(?) Jared Leto.
The most expensive footballer in the world?
Technically, yes, with an astronomical transfer fee of 85.3 million euros, ahead of the likes of Ronaldo, Suarez and more. But, please, let’s be kind and not let money define the man. Disclaimer: This amount of money would define a man’s worth very well.
A normal, even boring person who happens to be really fucking good at soccer?
Despite all his gifts, talents and beautiful hair, this might be the most apt description of Gareth Bale. It’s scary how many boxes he checks off for this. Welsh? Check. White? Check. Scores goals? Check. Difficult to write a full article about him with few mentions of his physical and technical abilities? Check.
So, there it is. Gareth Bale of Cardiff, Wales is indeed a normal, even boring person who happens to be really fucking good at soccer.
