Are Adult Disciplinary Spankings Really a Deterrent?
Some advice for wives in female-led and domestic discipline relationships: severity and consistency matter.
I’ll kick off this article with an apology for not posting anything in a while. Life got busy, and I also had a fairly bad bout of Covid (my third). I’m getting pretty sick of (and from) that pesky little virus.
A few weeks ago, I got a suggestion for an article topic from one of the commenters on a blog I’ve maintained for a long time on another platform under a different pseudonym:
Describe occasions where you know you are about to cross the line and earn yourself a spanking. Does that knowledge often act as a deterrent? Or do you often do it (whatever) anyway? If so, why? Are you testing her to see what will happen? Are you hoping to earn a spanking? Is your male ego just doing what it wants to do? Have you not been spanked enough for this particular behavior to have learned your lesson? Or …?
It’s about mindset more than the prospect of a sore bottom.
Another commenter responded as follows:
Domestic Discipline (“DD”) has allowed me to change behaviors and especially attitudes, but I can never think of a time that I chose to act differently, or not exhibit an attitude, because I thought it may result in a spanking. Rather, I have changed because DD allowed me to see things differently, and often from her perspective, and that is what brought about change.
For “big picture” things that I’ve changed since we started practicing F/m disciplinary spankings, that response resonates. It’s not so much the spanking itself — or the prospect of one — that deters future bad behavior. Rather, it’s the mindset change over time that keeps me more continuously aware of why she has chosen to span for some specific bit of bad behavior.
So, why doesn’t the mindset change always keep me out of trouble?
The plain, unfortunate, fact is my impulse control is intermittently effective, at best, and I often don’t see one that I’m coming up on one of her lines in the sand until I’ve already sprinted right across it.
It’s definitely not a matter of cool-headed deliberation. In fact, it’s very rare, if ever, that I test her intentionally to see what will happen, and I can confidently say that I never behave badly in hopes of earning a spanking. That’s called “bratting,” and while I may have a lot of problematic behavioral tendencies, that is not one of them.
If the current cost-benefit analysis isn’t working, raise the costs.
The closest I come to going over a known line is when I don’t really think about the prospect of being spanked because in the past I have, in fact, gotten away with similar behavior.
Though, every once in a while, I will do something knowing that it could get me spanked, but I decide that the risk is worth it.
There is, however, a pretty easy way for her to nip that kind of risk-taking in the bud. Namely, escalate the consequences in a way that I will absolutely want to avoid.
Here’s an example. Several weeks ago, my wife and I went on a multi-day road trip together. It’s pretty seldom that I actually drive the speed limit, though I usually aim for around 10 miles over posted highway speed limits, on the theory that most cops are not going to pull you over on a busy highway for just 10 miles per hour over the limit.
On the last day of the trip, however, I really wanted to get home and was pushing it a little. My wife got fed up and told me repeatedly to slow down, but I kept letting the speed drift up again. Finally, she threw down the gauntlet:
“If you want to risk a ticket, fine. But, if you do get one, I am going to spank you hard. Not just once, but every day for a week.”
What did I do? I slowed down. Reluctantly and grudgingly, but I slowed down.
What would have happened if she had threatened just one spanking? Honestly, there is a good chance I would have taken the risk. I’ve been spanked dozens of times, and a ticket didn’t seem very likely, so the cost-benefit analysis of speeding might have tilted in the direction of doing what I wanted.
But, getting spanked every day for a week? Just the thought of that was enough to keep the possible consequences “top of mind” for the rest of the trip.
Consistency is critical.
The driving incident was a fairly unique case, in which I did engage in some conscious risk assessment.
Usually, I drift over lines without thinking about them, sometimes because the offense itself is about being careless and forgetful.
The best example is probably an ongoing problem I have with leaving doors unlocked and not ensuring that the garage door closes fully after I’ve parked the car and gone inside.
It happens fairly often, and it really pisses my wife off. She will sometimes text me a picture of our front door with the deadbolt disengaged, with an angry emoji.
A clear sign that a spanking is coming, right?
In theory yes, but in practice not always. And, therein lies the answer to why it is an ongoing problem.
And, it’s not like I’m consciously blowing off her safety concerns. Rather, I get distracted sometimes on my way out. Or, I simply forget.
The forgetfulness and what it says about my lack of real focus on a concern she has brought to my attention over and over again is my fault for sure.
However, in an FLR relationship, in which the wife has been empowered to punish for exactly this sort of problem, it is kind of on her to ask why a rule she’s laid down is being ignored.
Chances are, it’s either insufficient severity, as illustrated above, or inconsistency.
The fact is, we have talked about making leaving the door unlocked or the garage door open a “no tolerance” offense, and she always agrees it should be. Then she lets me off the hook.
It happened just last week. I had come back into the house through our garage after a morning dog walk . Thirty minutes later, I was sitting in my home office as my wife was leaving to run an errand. She yelled up that the garage door was open . . . again.
My heart jumped. I yelled down a somewhat shaky apology.
I really expected to hear something like, “I’m leaving now, but we’ll take care of your spanking when I get back.”
The undeniable fact is I should have heard something like that. Nope, she just left and that was the end of it.
The disciplinarian’s will matters as much or more than the culprit’s.
Football coaching great Vince Lombardi is a wonderful source of wisdom regarding the importance of discipline and willpower. I especially like this one:
“The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will.”
When I first came across this quote, I assumed Lombardi’s reference to “lack of will” referred to the will of the unsuccessful person. It probably was. But, the quote could easily be applied to a wife in a female-led relationship (FLR).
She wants a particular result, but is her will so incontestably strong that he knows she will escalate by whatever degree is necessary to ensure she gets the behavior she wants? Is she willing to make sure he understands just how bad the consequences will be, and how certain, if he doesn’t step up?
None of this is to say that DD is not a real deterrent against some of my misbehavior and misadventures. It is. Albeit, an imperfect one.
Sometimes it’s because I’m willing to take a bit of a risk for something I want to do (speeding, socializing over one too many beers, etc.).
Sometimes it’s because I don’t see the line that I’m about to cross.
Sometimes the behavior itself is something I’m just not paying enough attention to.
None of those excuses might matter, however, if she made it crystal clear that consequences would be delivered consistently and applied severely.
In a domestic discipline relationship, the equation for effective deterrence isn’t complicated:
Consistency + Severity = Behavior Change
If you would like to discuss these issues directly but don’t feel comfortable leaving a public comment, feel free to reach out to me directly at dwc_husband@proton.me.
