Domestic Discipline and Fostering Intimacy
Why we Disciplined Husbands feel more intimate with our strict Disciplinary Wives.
I’m sorry I haven’t posted to Medium in a while. It’s been a busy few months, but those months included some real momentum changes in our Disciplinary (spanking) Female Led Relationship (FLR).
At the beginning of the year, we determined that we both wanted to take This Thing We Do to the “next level.” Of course, we’ve been talking about that for years. And years. And years.
Yet, this time, it seems to actually be happening.
In many, if not most, of these relationships, the “bottom” or “submissive” (I don’t like either of those terms in the Domestic Discipline context, but I’ve yet to come up with anything better) is the one who asks for it and often is the one who keeps it moving along. Often, the “top” is more in accommodation mode.
That’s what has changed for us recently. My wife — let’s call her Anne — crossed some threshold after her retirement (she’s not old — we both quit our careers years ahead of schedule) and has become much more focused on the Disciplinary and FLR aspects of our relationship.
It’s not necessarily about spanking more often, though she does. It’s like her tolerance for things that annoy her or piss her off has dropped precipitously. She’s way more likely to speak her mind when she’s mad and to do something about it.
She’s also much, much less concerned about others knowing about this aspect of our relationship. A few days ago, she gave me a spanking in the middle of the day, in our bedroom, with the blinds open. The neighbors behind us have a direct line of sight from their bedroom to ours. She didn’t care.
How do I feel about these changes? It’s mixed.
On the one hand, I feel like I need to be more careful about what I say and do. But, that’s kind of the whole point about a Disciplinary relationship within an FLR, right?
In a past article, I referred to it as a “healthy fear,” but I know that has some negative connotations.
It’s more like a “somewhat anxious respect.”
A more constant and consistent awareness that there are consequences for my actions.
Knowing that she is watching me more closely and will impose consequences when and how she feels appropriate keeps me in a near-constant state of heightened stimulation.
And, not in a bad way. She’s on my mind in a way that wasn’t always the case when we were running around frenetically dealing with kids and careers.
It’s created an increased sense of closeness. A sense of deeper intimacy, even if that intimacy is tinged with some real anxiety at the prospect of her getting out her paddle.
Intimacy in a Domestic Discipline FLR relationship.
Coincidentally, as I was becoming aware of this increased feeling of closeness that was, perhaps paradoxically, accompanying the ramp-up in her willingness to exercise authority, a regular commenter on my blog suggested we talk about this topic:
Increased intimacy as a result of female-led DD has been touched on several times. But I don’t believe we have ever tried to define or identify its source(s).
My former girlfriend told me many years ago (after a spanking, I think) that “spanking is more intimate than sex.” This came from a woman who was not a spanko, although a strong believer in disciplinary spanking. My wife has similar thoughts but not so far as favorably comparing spanking to sex.
We might ask how many experience intimacy from spanking, whether it is something both men and women experience, and where it comes from. What is it about disciplinary spanking that produces feelings of intimacy (if it does)?
Here are some thoughts the topic generated among myself and some of the more thoughtful commenters.
Disciplinary spankings chip away at the male ego, allowing him the vulnerability of intimacy.
In my case, the act of spanking does not itself make me feel more intimate, even though our preferred position — over the knee — undeniably results in physical closeness.
It’s also one that I associate with vulnerability and the power shift that is inherent in our FLR dynamic.
She is clothed. I am not. She is seated, with a bath brush or other tool in her hand. I am prone over her lap, and I got there by virtue of her telling me to do so.
In that period after a spanking has been ordered but before it starts, what I’m feeling isn’t intimacy. It’s anxiety about what is to come.
While the spanking is happening, what I’m feeling definitely isn’t intimacy. I’m just trying to get through the ordeal.
For me, none of the experience itself is “intimate.” However, the whole situation — her telling me it’s time, me getting naked and getting out her hairbrush, bath brush, strap and paddle, the lecture/scolding, being instructed to get over her lap — it all involves Ileaving myself open and vulnerable.
It’s the beginning of a process of breaking down that oh-so-resistant male ego.
After the spanking, my much-reduced male ego craves connection.
While getting through it is always an ordeal, when it’s over I feel like the slate has been cleaned.
I also feel a strong sense of her strength in exercising her authority and control. The anxious piece of that “anxious respect” I talked about above is gone in the afterglow, but the “respect” piece is amplified.
In that moment, I admire her strength, determination, and resolve, more so than at any other time in our day-to-day relationship.
It’s in those moments immediately after getting spanked that I’m the most open about my feelings, specifically how I feel about being spanked by her, being in a DD relationship with her, and how I’m feeling about being subject to her increasing authority.
Those feelings often come spilling out later, when we’re in bed.
I open up about what I need, including the prospect of her taking on even more authority.
The openness and, indeed, desire to talk about what I’m feeling isn’t part of my day-to-day makeup. It’s a direct result of feeling totally wrung out after a hard session over her lap.
Here’s how one commenter described his experience:
For me, the vulnerability is before and during the spanking. The strong feeling of intimacy comes immediately after the spanking and persists for a few days (probably for the window that my bottom is sore :-)!)
I don’t know why I have such a strong feeling of intimacy after spanking, but spanking is much more effective in creating this feeling than sex — go figure.
As theories… maybe it’s that I very much appreciate that she does it; maybe because she has just spent time completely focused on me; maybe it’s because she’ll give me a much-needed cuddle afterward when I’m feeling fragile; maybe it’s just that we’ve shared something that we would not admit to the world. Maybe all of the above.
Spanking communicates commitment and participation.
While a disciplinary spanking often results from a wife feeling annoyed, angry, or resentful, to her husband it may reinforce her commitment to making the relationship work better, even if that commitment is to making him get his act together.
Again, one of the commenters explained as well as I ever could:
To me spanking is the ultimate intimacy. I have been thinking about why I crave her discipline and why I want her to be strict.
Yesterday, she wanted me to perform some maintenance on our air conditioner. She grabbed my chin forcing me to look into her eyes and said “I want this done by the end of the week at the latest.” There was no question about the consequences of not obeying her.
In seeking a DD relationship, I’m asking her to be an active participant in our marriage. Intimacy is participation and communication of the bond of love. When I’m getting a spanking because her maternal instincts have told her that I need one, I’m feeling closer to her than I do during sex. (edited for length and clarity)
The intimacy of a real spanking can be curiously one-sided.
Multiple commenters observed that, while they do feel a sense of intimacy from a disciplinary spanking, it has curiously one-sided aspects. One observed:
There is no question for me that spanking creates increased intimacy, but it is in many ways an unbalanced intimacy, in that I am fully exposed physically & emotionally. My journals, mostly daily, are very open. I am obviously very exposed during spanking and I almost always feel ‘reset’ after.
The commenter’s reference to journaling applies to our relationship as well and is similarly one-sided. I keep a written journal in which I tell my wife what I’m thinking and feeling about my own behavior, about being disciplined by her, about being subject to her control, etc. She says she likes it because it gives her visibility into what is going on in my head in ways that I’m not always prone to share in person.
Another commenter summed up how disciplinary spankings foster better, more open communication even if the process is one-sided:
Searching for a phrase or two that sums it up, I think “vulnerability” and “openness” come close: Spanking reduces or removes my ego and defensiveness, which otherwise gets in the way of connecting on a deep level with her.
As someone pointed out, there is an imbalance in this, in the sense that I am the one who gets taken down (literally, in the case of my pants), and she is in control. But, I think my openness, brought about by being spanked, allows her to open up as well. Increased intimacy between us can be the result.
Intimacy and disciplinary spanking — one wife’s observations.
We don’t get nearly enough female participation on the blog, but one of the wives did choose to participate on this topic. She described the advantages that she gets from being a Disciplinary Wife, including increased feelings of intimacy:
For me, Domestic Discipline challenges and compels me to consciously resist my familial and cultural conditioning by taking risks, asserting myself clearly, directly, and physically, and centering my experience and needs.
I also really need to attend to whether I’m in a state of mind, and at an energy level, that allow me to be fully present for the encounter. We spend time talking about our feelings and observations as part of our DD in preparation for discipline or maintenance spankings. The focused time we set aside for our regular sessions creates consistency, builds trust, and thus fosters intimacy.
Personally, I’m very happy with the way disciplinary spankings have helped foster increased intimacy, albeit it is somewhat one-sided by design.
And, is one-sidedness a bad thing in the context of female-male relationships? It’s my gender that is accused — often rightfully — of being uncommunicative and emotionally distant?
A process that chips away at our egos and defenses, leaving us feeling more vulnerable but more open, balances an otherwise inherently unbalanced dynamic.
I hope this article was helpful for those of you who may be considering giving this lifestyle a try or looking to take an existing FLR or disciplinary relationship in new directions.
If you would like to discuss these issues directly but don’t feel comfortable leaving a public comment, feel free to reach out to me at dwc_husband@proton.me.
If you’d like to be part of a wider discussion with others who are in this lifestyle or interested in exploring it, drop by my blog: www.disciplinedhubbies.com. The comments are moderated to keep out the crazies and the trolls, and participation by both disciplinary wives and disciplined husbands — or those who are interested in being one of those — is encouraged.
