Who is Really in Charge of Your Disciplinary Spanking?

JC Cole
The Disciplinary Wives Club
12 min read2 hours ago

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Safewords and restraints and the psychology of maintaining or losing control in a domestic discipline/FLR spanking session

Cartoon by KD Pierre. Stories by the artist available at the Library of Spanking Fiction.

Although Domestic Discipline (DD) and BDSM overlap in certain areas, they aren’t the same thing. Although they may share certain means, they serve different ends.

A practice that illustrates some important differences is “safewords.”

In the context of a BDSM scene, they may serve an important role in promoting safety and ensuring full consent.

Safety is just as important in a Domestic Discipline spanking session. Maybe more so, given that disciplinary sessions are intended to be painful enough to get his attention in a way that makes him very reluctant to have it happen again any time soon.

Yet, safewords seem to have a minimal or non-existent role in many Female/male DD relationships.

In the end, it’s all about control and the psychological impact of feeling it taken away.

And, while we’re dealing with safewords and how they may impact the perception of control, let’s look at their flipside, i.e. restraints.

What is a safeword?

Lacking an authoritative resource for all things BDSM, here is an explanation I found in an on-line urban dictionary:

“In BDSM, begging to stop increases pleasure and reality. A safeword is used to actually mean “stop”, since screams for stopping aren’t sincere. The safeword is usually a normal word, like “pink”, “banana”, or “door” and is determined before starting play.”

Purposes of a safeword in BDSM.

I’m not into BDSM, so I can’t speak authoritatively about all the roles a safeword serves in those encounters. But, to me the obvious ones seem to be personal safety and determining/maintaining the bounds of the “bottom” player’s consent.

The definition above talks about the “sincerity” that may be lacking when someone yells “Stop!” during a vigorous BDSM scene. Both the Top and the bottom are aiming for realism within an inherently unreal scene. By kicking, thrashing and verbally resisting or begging, the bottom helps create at atmosphere resembling real punishment.

But, the “Top” isn’t a mind reader. In the context of a scene, “Stop” could mean anything from:

  • “Good hurt! Good hurt! More! More! More!”; to
  • “I’m struggling emotionally with this. Let’s take a pause.”; to
  • “Something is really wrong! Bad hurt! Bad hurt! Stop now! I’m serious!”

In short, a safeword is a communication tool, agreed upon in advance, that helps ensure the Top and the bottom are on the same page about the reality of the bottom’s “resistance.”

I also presume that in BDSM, a safeword allows the bottom player to establish the boundaries of his/her consent, and to do so on an ongoing basis.

It’s a means of allowing him or her to explore pushing the limits, while always remaining in control by communicating where those limits are at any given moment.

Finally, if the parties haven’t played together before, a safeword is probably necessary because, having no pre-existing knowledge of the other’s verbal and non-verbal communication styles, they have no way of knowing where the other person’s limits and boundaries are without an express verbal signal.

Domestic Discipline vs. BDSM — Reality vs. Role Play

The words used to describe a BDSM session — “scene,” “play,” “role,” etc. — illustrate the extent to which BDSM isn’t supposed to be “real” with respect to discipline or punishment.

In the context of a role-play involving disciplining a naughty bottom, it’s not about punishment. Rather, it’s a game. One with established rules.

In a word, it’s “funishment.”

In contrast, couples in a Domestic Discipline or FLR relationship often proclaim, in distinguishing themselves from BDSM, “They do scenes. We do real life.”

That fundamental difference between BDSM and Domestic Discipline’s respective goals seems to be reflected in the much more limited role safewords have in DD.

Well-Established Communication in DD Relationships

BDSM is obviously engaged in by many established couples in long-term relationships.

But, it also is enjoyed by people who don’t know each other that well or not at all.

Not so with Domestic Discipline. The first word in that label serves to emphasize that these relationships arise almost exclusively between committed couples.

Further, it’s fairly typical for the DD aspects to come into play years after the couple first get together, often as the result of the husband admitting to a deep-seated desire that he’s been hiding for a long time.

My wife and I have been doing Domestic Discipline for 20 years. We had been married for almost a decade before we started DD.

After that much time together, we’re pretty good at reading each other’s verbal and non-verbal cues.

In that context, I don’t need a safeword.

If I felt something was really wrong, I’d just say so. There is no doubt in my mind that she would pause and, if something really was wrong, stop the spanking.

Granted, I also don’t tend to verbalize a lot during spankings, at least not with words. I do plenty of grunting, groaning and yelping, but I never kick, thrash and beg her to stop.

If I were more vocal — and we have talked from time to time about me exploring that more — a safeword might become more necessary in order to prevent any confusion.

Yet, I still feel like we know each other so well at this point, I would still be able to bring things to an immediate stop by yelling something like “Stop, something is wrong!”

Limits, Boundaries & Consensual Non-Consent

Consent is fundamental to any healthy relationship, but it’s undeniably trickier in a Domestic Discipline relationship than in BDSM.

As discussed above, in BDSM safewords play an important role in establishing limits and boundaries.

Yet, in many DD relationships, both the disciplined husband and disciplinary wife agree that he wants to be taken beyond his limits, at least if “limits” are defined as something he can easily take and might even desire.

In fact, the whole point of real punishment and accountability is to be subjected to something you don’t want and, indeed, would very much like to avoid.

And, while this varies a lot by couple, many men who seek out DD relationships want to be taken beyond their limits and way out of their comfort zone. And, they want to feel that the limits are being defined and imposed by an authority other than themselves.

Safewords are not part of our disciplinary relationship and never have been. To me, they are inconsistent with my need for disciplinary spankings to be as “real” as we, as consenting adults, can contrive.

I’ve always known that part of what initially attracted me to DD was the prospect of losing control to someone or, more accurately, having control stripped away from me.

While I now understand it seldom happens this way in real life, when I first discovered the Disciplinary Wives Club, the stories that appealed to me most were those in which the corporal punishment regime was imposed by the wife, as opposed to initiated at the husband’s request.

Similarly, stories in which a spanking goes on way past the husband’s self-perceived limits were, and remain, morbidly attractive to me.

Being spanked when I really, truly do not want to be has always been part of the perverse appeal Domestic Discipline has for me.

Same with being taken way past the point of mere discomfort, to the point that it feels like I simply cannot take anymore. Yet, take it I must.

I want to feel vulnerable and, frankly, disempowered during a disciplinary session.

However, with a safeword, I would feel like I still was in control. That psychological “escape hatch” is the exact opposite of what I want.

For us, spanking is all about accountability, consequences, punishment, and payback. Giving me the ability to shorten the duration of a spanking or lessen its severity by simply uttering an agreed-upon word or phrase seems to undercut all of those.

For us, the whole point of DD is putting my butt’s fate in her hands, letting her decide when enough is enough, and making sure that some punishments are way more than I want to repeat.

A commenter on my blog expressed it like this:

“For me, a safeword takes away the magic of DD. A spanking for me is about giving up control and handing myself over completely. If I had a safeword, I wouldn‘t be able to let go completely because I would always be assessing when or if it is time to use it.

The most memorable spanking I ever got felt like it would never end. I had no idea when she would stop. Every time I thought it was over she would pick up a different instrument and my heart would sink because I knew it would still go on for a while. That feeling of helplessness ultimately is also what brings me to tears. For the same reason, I don‘t like to know in advance how many swats I will receive or having to count them out. I would just try to get through it somehow if there is an end in sight, rather than let go and surrender completely.”

Authority and Trust.

In a DD relationship, there is a close connection between authority and trust. They are mutually reinforcing.

In fact, I suspect that one reason DD often comes later in a marriage is it is at that point that the husband feels such a deep level of trust that he is willing to confess one of his deepest, most embarrassing needs.

That same trust, often rooted in years of intimate communication, is probably why so many DD couples see safewords as at best superfluous and, at worst, counterproductive.

One disciplinary wife put it like this:

“Regarding the use of a safe word I believe it is not necessary in our dynamic. From my experience, a spanking, when done properly carries no real risk of injury. As someone who has been spanking my husband for years, I feel confident in my ability to gauge how far to go. Our communication and trust are strong, and I pay attention to what’s going on when I’m dishing out a spanking.”

A disciplinary husband but it succinctly:

“We have never used a safe word. In my opinion it would undermine her authority. I don’t need a safe word because I trust her.”

It should be emphasized that the kind of trust that makes a safeword potentially superfluous is inherently reciprocal.

I trust that my wife is, as the disciplinary wife above says, paying attention and gauging how far to take each particular punishment. After twenty years, I trust her judgment.

But, she also trusts me.

She trusts that I will always try to “take my medicine.”

If I were to suddenly try get up, yelling that something is wrong, she would assume that there really is something wrong; something beyond just wanting to bring an edn to a seemingly unbearably long, hard spanking.

Restraints: The Converse of Safewords

If safewords are all about empowering the recipient to end a spanking on his terms, then in the context of a Domestic Discipline relationship being restrained (held in place with ropes, straps, cuffs, etc.) is all about empowering the disciplinary spouse to conduct the session wholly on her terms.

It’s hard for me to judge how many disciplinary couples use restraints at least on occasion, but I get the impression it is the exception and not the rule. For those that do, the practices vary.

Although I do know some disciplinary couples who use purpose-made spanking benches or elaborately outfitted chairs, those and similar items are probably more common in BDSM dungeons than in DD bedrooms.

A few weeks ago, a female commenter on my blog gave this description of her ultra-simple means of lightly restraining her husband during a spanking:

“I tend to use a backless wooden barstool. I can drape my husband over it in either direction, and he can hold onto the cross bars to support himself. I have a long belt that can go around him and the seat to hold him in place, but I only use it occasionally. For our respective heights, it works well, as his bottom is stable and I have room for a good swing.”

More often, wives seem to expect their husband to find a way to remain in place and take what he has coming. This husband’s comment is fairly typical:

“On a rare occasion we have retained my arms by using the belt from a rob to tie my wrist together under me so that I can’t reach back. However, we no longer allow the restraints simply because I am expected to obey her and stay in position. If my hand comes back or I slide off her lap the spanking becomes harder and longer. If I get defiant then additional punishments could be added like additional corner time or daily corner time and or spankings every day until she is satisfied.”

But, others feel differently. This disciplinary wife finds restraints useful even though the spankings she administers are fairly short:

“On the topic of restraints, when giving a real good spanking, I find them to be a valuable tool. A fast and hard spanking with a severe implement and no warm-up works best for me, as he becomes desensitized relatively quickly and so long spankings don’t work well. Because they are fast and intense, he can squirm around a lot, and the restraints help hold him in place for the short time he is getting it. This helplessness pushes him into a surrender state and leaves him contrite and penitent.”

Restraints: Theory vs. Practice

Theoretically, restraints emphasize that the spankee is not in control. He can’t just get up or thrash around in order, declaring non-verbally that he has had enough.

Given my thing for “imposed” discipline and being taken beyond my own perceived limits whether I like it or not, you would think I might be very into being restrained in order to reinforce my lack of control over the situation.

We did experiment with restraints a few times. I bought some cuffs that attached to a strap and a small bar that could be used to secure the cuffs to the top or bottom of a door. We experimented with draping me over a small foot stool, binding my hands in front of me with the cuffs and securing them to the underside of the door using the attached strap and bar.

It was pretty effective at immobilizing me and leaving me vulnerable to whatever she wanted to do for as long and severely as she wanted to do it. Consequently, I thought it would add to the sense of being completely under her control, subject to her will and unable to do anything but accept whatever she chose to dole out.

However, for whatever reason, it didn’t have the anticipated psychological impact. It felt more like a scene.

A game.

BDSM-ish.

It also didn’t make me feel any more vulnerable. At first, I didn’t understand why, but I think it is another dimension of the same trust that makes a safeword unnecessary for us.

Feeling more vulnerable probably would have required some lurking fear that she might take things much further than I had experienced before.

But, my trust in her judgment around discipline is so full at this point that, while I may fear the spanking itself, I have no fear of her pushing things “too far,” whatever that might be.

Finally, although spankings are hard to endure, there is also a certain intimacy about them, particularly in the OTK position. Being restrained, over a stool, in a cramped closet, killed all sense of intimacy.

That leads me to believe that if she ever wanted to restrain me, the better approach would be to use her own body to do it, locking my legs under hers and/or holding my arm across my back with her free hand while she wields her brush or paddle with the other.

Spanking art by RedRump

I certainly don’t want to discourage anyone from using a safeword, particularly in the early stages of a DD relationship.

There is nothing wrong with a “better safe than sorry” approach.

But, unlike in BDSM, a safeword may conflict a bit with underlying rationale for giving the spanking in the first place, so each couple should talk openly about whether to have one, the conditions under which it may be used, and the consequences for doing so without a good reason.

I hope this article was helpful, or at least entertaining, for those who are in a disciplinary or FLR relationship or interested in giving these lifestyles a try.

If you would like to discuss these issues directly but don’t feel comfortable leaving a public comment, feel free to reach out to me at dwc_husband@proton.me.

If you’d like to be part of a wider discussion with others who are in this lifestyle or interested in exploring it, drop by my blog: www.disciplinedhubbies.com. The comments are moderated to keep out the crazies and the trolls, and participation by both disciplinary wives and disciplined husbands — or those who are interested in being one of those — is encouraged.

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JC Cole
The Disciplinary Wives Club

To most, a thoroughly vanilla professional. To a small online community, a “disciplined husband “ and writer on female-led domestic discipline relationships.