A Money Shame Story
A story on Greed, Money, and Self-Love
It is 3am. May 2nd, 2020.
This story, about my most recent “investment” fiasco, woke me up with this nagging persistence. “I need to be told.” “I need to be shared.” “I need to come out.”
As I oblige to this nagging, my discomfort grows, knowing that I am about to expose my money shame.
My desire to create healing in a space that causes us all very complex wounds far outweighs my feelings of embarrassment and shame from the story I am about to share with you.
So, deep breath. Here it goes.
Ok, maybe I shouldn’t dive right into it. Let me ease my way there and start from a more comfortable space — letting you know a bit about myself first.
I am a 30 years old woman who has made it her life’s mission to tackle the issue of money heads on. I came from the corporate world as a Financial Planner. I hold my PFP designation (Personal Financial Planner) recently replaced with QAFP (Qualified Associate Financial Planner). I am also a student of the psychotherapy training program at Gestalt and going onto year 3 out of 5 on the journey of becoming a Registered Psychotherapist.
I came from a family that struggled with money growing up. While my dad was a respected Engineer in Lebanon, he had limiting beliefs in how he viewed money and wealth. His honesty and integrity were one of his most esteemed values and his reputation preceded him everywhere he went. He joined the communist political party from a very young age, being brainwashed by the idea and beliefs that suggest that money is evil, rich people are corrupt, and that money is for the selected few in society. While his intentions in his political pursuits were noble, a way for him to look for social justice and equality, his money story and beliefs were far from ideal. My dad had strong friendships. His friends trusted him with their lives knowing how honorable and loyal he is. They were all mostly very successful and they all had kids my age. So I grow up surrounded by wealthy people, playing in their nice homes, befriending their privileged kids and always felt that while wealth surrounded us, it is not meant for us. I even went to a private school since my dad worked there and I was able to get full scholarships due to my high marks. Another reminder that I can be around richness and privilege. But I cannot have it.
My mother came from a middle class family. She became a stay at home mom shortly after having me. She is a strong and resilient woman who grow up in a culture that never allowed her to fully discover or explore her self. Her identity and self worth are tied up in her role as a mother, as she sees that as the most important thing in life. She grew up sacrificing everything for the sake of my wellbeing along with my siblings. She used to be financially dependent on my dad an get a monthly allowance from him to manage the house expenses and buy our necessities. We came to Canada in 2005 and she became a single mom shortly after that. The Canadian welfare became the new financial support to the family and this created a new rabbit holes in my already complex relationship with money.
At 20, I started working in one of the Canadian Banks as I continued to go to school. By 23 I became a Financial Advisor. By 25, I was a Financial Planner. By 30, I left the corporate world behind ready to carve a new space to talk about money from a different angle.
While I can spend days exposing the layers and layers of money stories, wounds, and shame that led me to where I am today, I am dedicating this article to talk about a specific recent money story.
As you probably know, the recent financial crisis and COVID-19 is creating chaos all over the world. Financial markets recently took a big hit. Ironically, I quit my job and started my company Holistic Optimal Wealth as of March 1st 2020. I wanted to pursue Financial Therapy to create a space of sharing and healing of money wounds. Change always comes in clusters in my life.
I decided to take the little savings I have and invest in some stocks, thinking this is the perfect timing for it. As a Financial Planner, it was a very integral part of my role to assess someone’s risk tolerance, get insight about their financial situation, time horizon for their goals and then recommend a suitable investment portfolio for them. Now when it came to my own investment in this case, I didn’t take the time to ask myself any questions about what this money is for and how much risk am I really willing to take. Just to clarify, my training was in providing Financial Plans and selling mutual funds; not in stock trading. I never got proper training on the stock market to allow me to give stock advise or even manage my own stock portfolio.
As I started to browse for some stock and ETF options, I came across this ETF with the symbol HOU. It is a crude oil ETF. It was trading at a $1 when I came across it. Looking at where it was at the start of the year (around $1,300 in January), I thought that I might have hit the “Jackpot”. I bought $2,000 worth of shared in my TFSA and $1,000 in my RRSP.
Let me clarify further.
I practically threw money in something that I did not fully understand. I did not do my full research and from the little I read; I couldn’t make much sense of it either. This is NOT investing. This is gambling.
Reflecting on that moment, I was experiencing polarized emotions in my life. A side of me felt strong, abundant thinking, creative, excited for my new adventure of becoming and entrepreneur and ready to conquer the world. The other side felt weak, confused, fearful and victimized from past experiences.
Thankfully my abundant thinking side is usually the dominant one in my experience, but I am writing and sharing this story to shed the light that even on the path of creating a healthy relationship with money, there are side turns and twists that offer us further learning and healing.
On April 29th, I woke up and checked my self trading account. The price for HOU was now $20 and I was showing a $60k profit in my account. I was confused and taken back by this sudden rush of happiness. I tried to sell some of the stocks to claim so of the funds but the system appeared to be having some glitches. I called my family and was very happy with the news. They were all worried about me starting a new business on my own, and felt that these new gains will put them at ease. I started thinking about all the things I want to do with this new money. It was a delightful day.
April 30th. I woke up to see my “gain” wiped out. I later learned that what happened is a 1:20 reverse stock split for HOU that was effective April 29. What that means is that I now own one share for every twenty of HOU shares. So even though the price per share went up, my number of holdings per share went down the same rate, leaving me back in an even worst position than what I started with since the shared decreased in price back to ~ $16.
Why I share this embarrassing story? Because of these reflections:
1. What drove my actions were clear signs of fear and greed.
2. I felt overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do with my businesses that I didn’t justify taking time away to do proper research on my investments.
3. I thought about all the majority of people who have no idea how any of the investment work. This particular scenario is advanced; however, many people have no perception to even basic investment knowledge. It feels isolating, shameful and embarrassing to be “in the dark.” No wonder people don’t talk about money.
4. I felt even more ashamed given my background. I was scolding myself and criticizing my behavior so much. “I should know better” “I am a Financial Planner, I would never have done that to a client, why did I do it to myself.”
5. Pursuing a new path in Financial Therapy is all about gaining insight on the emotions and psychology that drove my behaviors. I felt that I needed a quick path to make up for all the years that I lived in deprivation. I wanted to be a place that no longer worried about finances. I indulged on a “rescue fantasy” of hitting it big in the stock market.
What I learned personally from this experience?
1. Moving forward, I will never invest in something I do not understand.
2. I will do a body check in before any money decision. If I feel that my actions are motivated by greed, fear or anything that takes me away from who I am, I will not proceed. I will make room between the impulse and the action to ensure that I am inspired towards something meaningful vs. acting out of impulse.
3. A inner wounded child lives inside of me and still requires further healing despite the work I have done thus far. I am on a life long journey of healing and welcoming abundance into my life.
4. Listen to my intuition. It never lies.
5. Align my money decisions to my values.
What I learned professionally from this experience?
1. My role as a Financial Therapist is to continue my own inner self work with money and create new and deeper layers of healing within it, for myself and for my clients.
2. Self compassion and self love are key in moving forward.
3. Money is a complex topic. My relationship with it is dynamic. I continue to expand it and create spaces for exploration and awareness around it as I do with my clients.
4. I am not a person who provides answers for others. I am a brave soul that can ask tough questions and create a non-judgmental space to explore whatever comes up, in order to allow my clients to find their own truth.
5. I am committed to this journey. Fully and wholeheartedly. I will make mistakes along the way. I will have shameful and embarrassing stories that will come up. But at the end of each experience, I will walk away with a deeper lesson that I can now pass along. When I find a way to turn my pain into purpose, I heal and allow others to heal.
As you read this, each of you will have a different reaction to my words depending on where you are with your relationship to money. My hope is that I offer you today a space to reflect on your own money experience prior and during COVID-19. Ask yourself tough questions:
1. What is my relationship to money?
2. What is my money story? (impact your childhood had on your core memories of money and the set of beliefs you have about what money is or is not)
3. What is my financial identity and how is it impacting the reality I live?
4. What changes do I need to make?
5. What do I want my life to look like?
I wish you continued self discovery, awareness and healing. This is a journey into our deepest layers and while it is not east, it is ever so fulfilling.
Live Intentionally. Live Mindfully. Live Abundantly.
Aseel El-Baba
