Ask Scratchy: Can I Talk to This Boy Without Hurting My Friend?
Ginger of ‘As Told by Ginger’ needs some advice, and our house Freud wannabe, Dr. Scratchansniff, is here to help.
Welcome to Ask Scratchy, a monthly column in which the Animaniacs’ top psychiatric mind answers the tough questions for cartoon characters from the four corners of the Earth. To submit a question, email the good doctor at askscratchansniff@gmail.com.
Dear Dr. Scratchansniff,
Something awful has happened, and I’m trying to figure it out. So, I have two best friends, Dodie and Macie. And Dodie is the one I’ve always counted on for social stuff — like, she always tells me the gossip at school, helps me when I’m feeling awkward (which is, you know, a lot) and I’ve always felt like we’re a team. This year, we both joined the school musical — and so did this really cute guy, Joaquin. Dodie has a total crush on him. But so do I. And when I got the lead role, we had to have this stage kiss that was just… well, it was amazing to kiss him. But I think it hurt Dodie’s feelings that we kissed, even if it was just a stage kiss. And I get where she’s coming from! I mean, he was HER crush! I feel so terrible, but I still really like him, and I don’t know what to do now. Should I ask him out? Or just move on?
Sincerely,
Kiss or Resist
Guten Tag Kiss or Resist,
It sounds like you have the beginnings of a Twelfth Night situation brewing! Before this turns into an all-out Trojan War, I’d encourage you to talk to Dodie. Although your kiss with Joaquin was acted, the feelings behind it — both yours and Dodie’s — are real. Before you decide whether or not to ask out Joaquin, you need to do two things. First, check in with yourself. How strong are your feelings for Joaquin? How would you feel if your relationship with Joaquin got in the way of your friendship with Dodie? How would you feel if you decided to move on? Ask yourself these (and any other) questions. As you think about them, if it helps, do some journaling! It’s sometimes easier to flesh out ideas when you write them down.
Second, talk to Dodie. Do you know definitively that the stage kiss hurt her feelings? Does she know that you also like Joaquin? How would she feel if you asked him out? How would she feel if you pushed your feelings away for her sake?
Having honest discussions like this can be scary! Fortunately, there are a number of steps you can take to quell your nerves and ensure that your conversation goes well. Before you broach the subject, take some deep breaths! It’s a simple, but really effective way to reduce anxiety. Breathe in through your nose for four seconds, hold your breath for another four seconds, release your breath for seven seconds, and repeat as needed! You should feel your heart rate decrease and any tensed muscles relax.
Second, learn your DEAR MAN skills. These skills are part of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT, a type cognitive behavioral therapy developed by psychologist Dr. Marsha Linehan in the 1980s. One of the main components of DBT is learning how to effectively and assertively communicate with other people, and DEAR MAN is a handy mnemonic device for the skills you need when navigating a potentially challenging conversation.
DEAR MAN starts with you Describing the situation (“Dodie, I have a problem. I know you have a crush on Joaquin, and I have a crush on him too. I’m worried that my stage kiss with him hurt your feelings, and I really don’t want to hurt you or jeopardize our friendship”). Make sure you Express yourself clearly through not only your words, but your gestures, facial expression, body position, and tone of voice. Assert yourself! Don’t shy away from stating your needs (“I like Joaquin, and part of me wants to ask him out, but I don’t want to do that if it would hurt your feelings), but be careful not to be aggressive (“I like Joaquin and I’m going to ask him out, no matter what you say.”) or passive aggressive (“I like Joaquin, but I guess I can’t really do anything about that, can I?”). You should also Reinforce why you want to have this difficult conversation with Dodie, paying special attention to how resolving this issue will benefit your friendship together. During the conversation, be Mindful; don’t let strong emotions (yours or hers) get the best of you. Try, as best you can, to Appear Confident. Confidence can also be communicated through words, gestures, body position, facial expression, and tone of voice. Finally, Negotiate. Work on devising a compromise that will allow you to maintain your friendship and get some resolution around your feelings for Joaquin.
Here is a helpful worksheet on DEAR MAN skills which you can bookmark.
If you can do all of this, you will be able to make an informed and considerate decision about your feelings and your friendship and das, Kiss and Resist, ist gut.
Sincerely,
Dr. Scratchansniff
Ginger’s Ask Scratchy question was submitted by Corinne Segal.
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