‘Hey Arnold!’ Haircuts, Ranked

An objectively correct list.

Character design is perhaps Hey Arnold!’s single-most memorable achievement, and the show always knew that. Its female main character literally calls its eponymous male main character “Football Head” in every single episode. Friends, let us appraise this childhood comedy’s flowing locks, because Arnold, Arnold—sweetly conditioned, finely shampooed Hey Arnold!—deserves no less.

14. Harold

Poor kid. Bald at, like, 12. What a life.

13. Grandpa Phil

What’s he got, three little strands? If this were a head-shape-related listicle, though, “Steely” Phil and his absurd noggin would be closing in on Arnold himself.

12. Sid

What is even going on here? No wonder he hides his hair under his hat. It’s like squid-ink spaghetti up there.

11. Grandma Gertie

Pookie has a respectable head of hair, but it’s nothing to get too jazzed over.

10. Sheena

Ditto Sheena, who has Nice hair but not Exciting hair.

9. Helga

Definitely finger-in-electrical-socket pigtails here.

8. Stinky

Here comes ol’ Flat Top, he come groovin’ slowly.

7. Eugene

Whatever is going on here is bizarre but impressive.

6. Arnold

That mane. That weirdly bifurcated mane.

5. Rhonda

Always the fashionable one, Rhonda goes for the simple but sublime.

4. Brainy

Is that even…hair? We here at The Dot and Line have never been clear on this, but we spend so much time thinking about it that we thought he deserved at least a nod.

3. Phoebe

Like Eugene but elegant. A femme pompadour for the ages.

2. Gerald

The most magnificent high top of all time, rising to the sky—although the jury is out on whether it’s all hair. We know this might be a pretty divisive one, but Gerald just can’t take the top slot, because…

1. Nadine

…this is just magnificent. Her head is a glorious blonde bug. Case closed.

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