Never Trust A Psychic With Your Love Life, No Matter How Many Good Yelp Reviews She Has
The year after I graduated college, I was in a place in my life where I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I felt lost and confused and was trying to get out of this on-again-off-again-off-off-off-off-then-back-on-again relationship, and I needed someone to tell me that it was all going to be okay, I would figure things out, and oh yeah, every detail about my future love life.
I did what any millennial does in their time of need: I turned to the internet. And decided, “Online dating? No, thanks!” because I headed straight for Yelp. To read the reviews. For psychics.
I wish I knew exactly why I thought this was a good idea. I trusted Yelp for all my food recommendations, why not for something in the same caliber of importance, like dating? My friend Nadia recommended someone she had gone to previously; she said that when she arrived at the psychic’s home, the woman suddenly looked up and exclaimed, “The girl with the gypsy eyes!”
Let me say now: this meant abso-fucking-lutely nothing. At all. Except that Nadia has some big ass eyes. But at the time I was floored. It sounded so mystical and enchanting. A regular, non-gypsy woman would never say that, I remember thinking: She was the real deal. (If you’re already looking for a psychic and you’re at the point where you’re like, “I just want a really good one, though” then really, haven’t you already lost? )
So I started reading her Yelp reviews and they were good. Like really good. I am not making these reviews up:
“I had never been to a psychic. I had never had my tarot read and I never asked anyone to look into a crystal ball and tell me my future. As much as I liked the idea I never saw it as something that was real enough to waste my time or my money.”
Until now.”
And there was this one:
“The tarot card reading was unbelievable (in a good way). She knew so much about me, what I’ve been going through in the last few years, how I’ve been feeling about my certain things and people in my life, my parents, my concern about starting a family, etc. I mean she knew EVERYTHING!”
And this one:
She is the real deal, going back to see her soon. I hope you will give her a try and post your reviews. So many ppl need people like her for guidance instead of drugs and alcohol.
That’s what I was looking for! Guidance! I didn’t want drugs or alcohol! I scheduled her next availability.
On the day of my appointment, I drove to her house, located in the upscale neighborhood of Friendship Heights in Washington, D.C. She must be doing well for herself, I thought. A small sign on her window was the only distinguishing feature that let you know some serious psychic-ing was going. Her door was open like she was waiting for me. She probably was, considering I was there a few minutes before my scheduled time.
She welcomed me into her home; she was older, with waves of dark hair which is exactly how I’d imagine any good psychic to look, but she was also wearing jeans, another detail I enjoyed. It would have felt too cartoon-ish if she had shown up in a peasant top and a huge, ruffle-y skirt with coins on it. I walked into her living room, which is completely normal (couches, big screen TV, connected to the dining room) except for a small, sectioned off area of curtains, which is where we sat. She wasted no time.
“I see him,’ she tells me. “He’s…everything you’ve ever wanted. The man of your dreams. I can see him in my mind…you will meet him towards the end of February…he has blonde hair…and blue eyes.” Whoo hoooo! It’s January! So close! I am instantly bubbling with excitement.
Until…wait…hold up. Blonde hair and blue eyes?
This isn’t my type. It’s not even remotely my type. I tend to go for guys who are a bit more…pigmented. Have some ethnicity to him. More melanin. A little more…urban.
So I’m all, “Blonde and blue eyes? You sure?” cuz hey, maybe Future Jenn is trying something new.
“Oh yes,” the psychic responds. “Yes, I can see him in my mind. He’s really…light.”
“Light skinned?” I ask because honestly, that would make more sense than what she’s saying, and Trevor Noah is a crush of mine.
“No. Blonde. Blue eyes. You’ll meet him in February. You already have a connection to him.” She is annoyed at me and my hesitance. I’m already writing my Yelp review in my head.
“Friendly and super patient, she is not. But if you’re looking for someone informative and totally okay with disappointing you, no matter how much you stress that the guy she is describing is not the type of man you normally go for, then this psychic is your lady! Also, her house is pretty nice.”
In February, my friends and I go to a bar on U Street. One of my friends runs into some old college friends from University of Maryland, one being a good looking blonde dude, with blue eyes and a former football player. I am super excited Not because this is my type or because I would have ever looked at him otherwise, but because I have already committed my psychic’s words to memory. Is this it?
We talk that night at that bar and end up exchanging numbers. He texts me and asks me out. We make plans to go out in the following weeks and when we do, we have a great time. Oh shit, this might be it….
He keeps asking me out on dates, we, keep texting, and eventually, we upgrade to some phone calls. Guys. This is looking like it’s going to be it!
And then…before I realize what’s happening, a few months go by and I find myself drinking shitty beer at a campus bar (even though I’ve been out of school for at least a year) because I’m dating a dude who really, really likes collegiate football and cheap pitchers. So much that all of our dates are at college bars.
Not a lot of our dates.
Not most of our dates.
All of our dates.
I tell him this isn’t working. We continue to date for a few more months. The football team I now support has had a great season.
I tell him that it still isn’t working. We continue to date for a few more months. The team I now support makes it into the playoffs.
I tell him that this really, truly isn’t working. We date another month. I have gained 14 pounds, learned a lot about the Big Ten, and finally accept that this was not it.
Did I keep dating a guy that i knew was wrong for me for months and months just because a stranger with a snow globe gave me a vague description that matches 14% of the American population and 80% of the people living in Norway, Sweden, and Finland?
Yes. Yes, I did.
Why? Because we all want answers and we all want to know the future, and I, personally, wanted the psychic to be right. I had spent four years in college knowing exactly what I was supposed to do and now, I didn’t have that. I didn’t know what was going to happen next in my life and that terrified me. I essentially wanted to “cheat” the system. I wanted to hand over the reins to someone else to figure out until we get to the good part, the better part, the easier part.
I didn’t want to go through the process of “figuring things out”. I made the decision to outsource a piece of my life to a psychic who had excellent Yelp reviews (As of 3/17/2018, someone wrote, “She is truly a gift! I cannot articulate her ability thru a review. All I know is if you are seeking clarity, she will provide it.” ) and you know what happened? Nothing. He was not the love of my life. He wasn’t even the love of my year. If anything, he’s just some guy I dated a million years ago who still texts me to this day, asking when he’s going to see me again.
I’m happy to say that I’ve made all of my own decisions since then. Some of them were very good decisions, like moving to New York City or donating my hair to Locks of Love or asking Amber Rose for a selfie. And some weren’t great, like eating walnuts while backing out of a parking space and into a lamp post or thinking I could pull off bangs. But they were all my decisions, that I made, by myself.
It’s important to trust yourself and not look for quick fixes or cheat codes in life. Everything happens for a reason, and you don’t need to go to a psychic for some kind of insight on love, career, relationships, or the future.
Unless she has like, really really good Yelp reviews and a verified Instagram account. That sounds legit.
