The Douche-Bag Guide To Beating Pokemon GO

Wake-up sleeze buckets. My name is Pokemon Master Albert and I’ve caught every Pokemon available thus far.* Want to get like me? Well then grab your portable battery charger and lets get started.

*Statements may not be factual

Step 1: Choosing Your Starting Pokemon

Okay you’ve been through this all before. At the begining of every Pokemon game you get your choice between 3 Pokemon (in this case 2 because Bulbasaur doesn’t really count). But in actuality, you should really exploit the hidden easter egg to choose Pikachu as your starter.

Now you might be thinking, Pokemon Master Albert why would we waste 40 minutes catching a horribly underpowered Pikachu when we could, you know, actually play the game?

Well it’s really simple young sleeze-bucket: Bragging Rights.

Pokemon GO is all about comparing yourself to others. Do you really think you’re going to create waves with a simple Squirtle?

Okay, maybe with Squirtle but certainly not Charmander… Stupid water types ruining my figure of speeches.

Plus even if your friends aren’t impressed with your Pikachu it will surely impress that special person in your life:

Mom: “Hey are you playing that new Pokemon GO game?”

You: “Yeah why?”

Mom: “Do you have that yellow squirrel Pokemon yet?”

You: “…”

The … is important.

Step 2: Leveling Up

We all know that Pidgey has about the fighting ability of an actual pigeon. That being said, they make fantastic xp grinding fodder. Catch a bunch of them, pop a lucky egg, and then evolve.

Don’t even conceran yourself with rare Pokemon at this point. This early in the game, they will be too weak to bring to gyms (plus require actual movement to catch). Instead just park your butt behind a lured Pokestop and watch the Pidgey roll in!

Using this proven Douche-bag strat, you should be level 5 in no time and get the ability to choose a team.

Step 3: Choosing a Team

Honestly you can pick any team you want as long as it’s team Mystic.

Step 4: Gym Battles

Gym battles are fun. They give you a way to test out your Pokemon, plus you can earn some rewards along the way.

But the absolute best part about Gyms is that there’s no way to disprove that you took them.

That’s why I wake up every morning telling everyone that “I took 3 gyms today” and double that number every time I encounter a new person. It gets pretty crazy but, don’t worry, I have the perfect comeback if someone tries to call your bluff. Observé:

“So Pokemon Master Max… how exactly did you capture 196608 gyms today?”

“I don’t know. That sounds like a personal problem.”

• Instantly ends argument. Reminds them that they are alone in the unverise.

Step 5: Exercise

Truth be told, you’ve probably spent the majority of your game-time sitting around a lured Pokestop, sipping on a coke, and thinking about what you’re going to eat for 2nd dinner. But who cares? Now it’s totally hip to brag about how much exercise your getting especially to people who actually exercise.

So next time some loser jock-athlete says he/she ran 8 miles, remind them that you jog-walked 10 km so you’re about even. Plus, you even sprinted around spurratically once that Abra showed up. You didn’t catch it, but no one needs to know that.

Step 6: Catchin’ Them All

Wayyyy to hard. Just catch a semi-competitive #vaporeon like everyone else and call it a #day.