Failure — Part one.
My taste of Failure.
My most brutal taste of Failure happened a couple of years ago.
I decided to quit a toxic job with the confidence that I would quickly land another position. I was confident that my savings money would be able to cover all my expenses for the next few months.
For the weirdest reason, I couldn’t seem to land a job anywhere else, and after (more than a few) rejections, both my confidence and bank account hit the wall. For someone who had never known much of a financial burden, the first taste of poverty was brutal.
The life I once had slowly faded away from me, my money was enough to cover all my bills but I could no longer afford all the luxury in life — there was this one point that I couldn’t even afford to buy any groceries, let alone a cup of coffee.
The feeling of waking up not having any emails, meetings, or deadlines, somehow was very unfamiliar — it made me feel as if I was not doing what I was supposed to do, what I was trained to do, what I was conditioned to do.
I started working when I was 16 years old and I never stopped,
- when I was in high school, I worked as a receptionist/waitress in my family business,
- when I was in college, I worked as an accountant assistant and psychology research assistant for my professors.
I had never gone one day without having a professional job.
The first feeling I had was guilt — that I was doing nothing besides working out, reading, job hunting, and cleaning — I even felt guilty for sleeping — that I didn’t earn that 30’ nap, that 8 hours of sleep — that as if you had to work for all human basic activities in life.
The second feeling I had was shame — shame that I was not able to join their daily conversation about work anymore, shame that I could no longer afford a dinner out with my friends, and shame that I was no longer in the same social group. The shame of not being who I was trained to become, the shame of not being who I was taught I had to be.
When you think things couldn’t get any lower, they usually do. I had to cut all the luxury bills out of my life — got my fancy car exchanged for the less expensive one, and watched a lot of things being taken away from me.
My family took me to America when I was very young, and my parents had to travel frequently back and forth for a business matter — I never knew of their traveling schedule, I never knew when I would be expecting to see them, how long they would stay with me. There were a lot of childhood foods and things that I knew would be taken away from my life — that’s how I became emotionally unattached from things and people — that’s how my defense mechanism was built.
Looking back, I’m very thankful for the childhood experience that somehow prepared me for the adult challenge — when all the luxury things were taken away from me when I saw my (old) friends slowly turning away from me (poverty will teach you a lot about humanity — people quickly reveal their true faces and feelings toward you when they learn about your financial situation.) — I was calm and collected.
Slowly I learned how to function daily — when the future was full of uncertainty, I learned to focus on the task in front of me, I learned to survive each day, I learned to live with the guilt, the shame, and the rejections.
When everything was taken away from me, the clouds somehow comforted me, the sound of the winds was singing a different kind of song, the sky was in a different kind of blue, and the sunset became my best friend. I’m forever thankful for the love from the universe.
Sometimes I wonder why God puts me through so many challenges but then I realize that it’s because He has blessed me with this positive personality and childlike faith — that no matter what happens, I always find the happiness in the clouds, the trees, and the smallest things in life. Thank you, God and the universe.
When I learned to accept my new identity, I learned to forgive myself for not being all the things society told me that I had to be.
When I was at rock bottom, I did not think of climbing up, I learned to live the life in front of me — I learned to take my life for what it was, not what I thought it was supposed to be.
My daily meals became very simple — oatmeal — Aglio e Olio — these were the only two things I could afford, yet I learned to enjoy every bite of my food. I never knew spaghetti could taste that well when you were fully present. There were countless nights that I had to go to bed hungry, and I learned to comfort myself, I learned to embrace myself, giving myself extra love and gentleness — as if the emotional meals could make up for the physical meals. I made the promise to never let myself be hungry anymore.
I learned to be gentle with myself, and I learned that when life gets hard, you have to be gentle with yourself — so it can balance out. I also learned to be gentle toward others, because I had lived through the experience myself.
When I thought there was no other way out, I learned to ask for help — I learned to set aside my pride and ego — I picked up the phone and simply asked for help. That’s when I fully accepted my failure — that I could no longer manage to function independently anymore, that I needed help. That’s when I learned how someone feels when they ask for help — and I made the promise to myself and the universe that I would always help others back because I knew what it took for them to pick up the phone and call for help.
“Asking for help is not giving up, asking for help is refusing to give up.”
I’m very thankful for the experience I have, not because of my ability to thrive, but because it teaches me how to be a better human being.
You are not defined by your failures, but you are not defined by your successes either.
You are not defined by any external factors out there, your — existing, is already enough.
Your day does not have to be filled with everything people say it must be — every day you wake up is already a blessing, every step you take, every breath of air you breathe, is a miracle.
When I fail, I learn to live with my failures. There is no fancy story of how I get back up, I simply live every moment of my life to the fullest — you can’t have the taste of success without learning how to fail first, just like you can’t fall in love expecting to not get hurt.
“Love without pain isn’t romance”
There most valuable thing I’ve got out of it is my abundance mindset –
Abundance (to me) means that you always have more than you need, at any given time.
Thank you for reading 💛
My name is Tracy Ly, the author of Oncloudcyy’s Newsletter , the owner of The dreaming Tree Publication House.
I’m glad you read my article and I hope my words find you in time of need.
A couple of my friends think of me as the World-Championship Day-dreamer because I live in my thoughts and dreams more than in life. Maybe life is nothing but our bubble of thoughts and dreams. I love sharing my experiences to the world, hoping that my words somehow make people feel less alone, as writing them does to me.
I write a lot about love, and relationships because I’ve learned valuable lessons about myself and others through the relationships I’ve had in my life. I hope you will resonate on a deeper level with my words and experiences.
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