My cousin.
My Twin, my Best-Friend, my Mother figure.
And everything else that she is.
I came to the US when I was very young with my parents, and they always had to leave me with my cousins to go back to Vietnam. As I grew older, their visits became less frequent because of a lot of family matters — after COVID, they decided to reside in Vietnam permanently. I’d spent most of my childhood, and teenage years without my parents; I moved out of my family house after college. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always loved spending time alone, maybe it was a coping mechanism, a little girl in me told me that if I learned to be alone, then I wouldn’t need anyone in my life, and that it wouldn’t hurt as much when they leave. It becomes a life-long habit, I spend a majority of time alone.
Everyone around me knows and respects my social boundaries, my cousin never expects me to come home regularly, but she always makes sure to have me home for birthday celebrations and the holidays.
When I was younger, I always felt and thought that my parents had abandoned me because they loved each other more than they loved me. I’d always thought that their life was completed without me, and they never needed me. I’d never asked for their love or attention because I’d thought that maybe I didn’t deserve it.
The fear of being abandoned made it very difficult to be loved when I was a little girl, especially when I was in my teenage and early twenties. I became very needy to those close to me, and I constantly challenged them to prove their love for me. That’s when I realized, hurt people hurt people.
My cousin— she never thought I was a challenge — she loved me for the broken girl that I was, she constantly forgave me for being too needy, for being difficult, for not wanting to be close to people because of the fear that they could leave me anytime. My cousin became the mother figure in my life, she became the Mother I never thought I deserved to have. My cousin never asked me to change, she never asked me to be anyone else other than the person that I was, no matter how broken I’d been. I remember one time she was explaining to me why my behavior caused the inconvenience in her life, in the end of the conversation, she said, “Whatever you are, we will deal with it.”
Throughout my life, she never asks me to be more than the person that I am. She always fills my life with love, flowers, and everything that I want, without me even asking for it. She never understands my passion for writing, yet she is always my biggest supporter, my biggest fan. She never understands my fear of commitment, yet she never questions my choice of my personal relationship. She loves me — for everything that I am, and everything that I am not. Sometimes it’s not the one who offers you any advice or life resolution, but the one who silently stays by your side, no matter what.
No matter how many birthdays pass, she always makes sure my celebration is filled with balloons, flowers, and delicious food. I sometimes wonder if she still sees the broken little girl inside me and she’s determined to nurture that inner child, making each birthday a cherished and memorable occasion.
July is a very special month to me — because I spend a lot of time this month with those I love — those special people in my life.
My birthday wish last year was that “I hope I learn to love myself better, so I can love the people around me better.”
Recently I realized that my parents sent me away because they wanted to protect me — maybe they don’t love me in a way that I always wish they did, but they do love me with everything they have, with the only way they know of.
Sometimes people leaving you is an act of love.
When I think about my childhood and teenage years, I wouldn’t want to change any of these experiences. Through the absence of my parents, I discovered the love from my cousins and others around me. Maybe life is meant to be imperfect, you are meant to be broken so people can show you love, and people can love you. And when people love you too much, one day you will learn to love yourself too, you can love them back in return.
My cousin — my twin, my best friend, my mother figure, the love of my life.
She is everything that makes every pain tolerable.
