The kid within.
You are not alone.
Every once in a while, we struggle in our pain, believing that the world owes us an explanation, an answer, a happy ending, a solution, or something to soothe the open wounds in our hearts.
Most people know of me and think of me as a positive person, but I don’t categorize myself as negative or positive, I don’t label my own emotions, I’m only who I am, living life as I know how.
And there are days that I experience an ocean of painful emotions as well, there is no fancy word or way to say it.
Recently I’ve found myself in a situation that requires me to reflect deeper within.
Ever since I was a little girl, I’d been terrified of my light, of my beauty.
A little girl uncomfortable in her skin may learn to deny attention and love, struggling to accept the warmth and affection she deserves.
I never realized how hurt the little girl still has been, I never realized how much the trauma still controlled me, shaping my inner perceptions and influencing how I view the world around me.
We think that one day one person might come and help us see the world through a different lens,
That one person will take our hand and guide us through our fears,
But have you ever wondered how truly ready you are to receive love?
being loved weighs heavily on me, sometimes it suffocates me.
We often think being alone is hard, but for someone who has been alone almost her entire life, being alone is comforting, it’s safe. Being loved is not, being loved is out of my comfort zone, being loved means letting someone in my bubble, letting someone inside my little world, being loved means letting myself be a little girl again, being loved means letting myself feel protected by someone’s presence and most of the time I’m not ready to expand my world to other people, no matter how much I think I’m, no matter how much I tell myself I’m.
The person you truly are might not be the person you think you are, might not be the person you tell yourself you are, might not be the person you prove to the world that you are.
The more I feel loved by someone, the more it mortifies me.
The reason people study psychology is because they want to heal themselves.
The reason people want to help others is because they want to heal themselves.
That’s why writers and doctors might be among those who carry the deepest wounds and traumas.
It’s so much easier to say the right things and to write the right words. But it’s very hard to confront your pains, imagine dipping your hand into a pot of scalding water, that’s the same feeling as touching a heart layered with fears.
If you know how much fear someone carries, you would never be the factor that causes any inconvenience, you would never be the factor that causes them any pain. But when you know how much fears you already carry, why would you still torture your own little self with all the harsh words?
When do we stop hurting ourselves?
Maybe when you struggle with your pain long enough, you will find a way out.
Maybe when you struggle within yourself long enough, you will learn to take pride in your pains, take pride in your wounds, take pride in your journey,
You will learn to take pride in your life — whether it’s full of mistakes, blessings, or all the twists and turns in between.
Because when you sit with yourself long enough, you will learn to have compassion for yourself, you will learn to love the little kid struggling to find a way out of the maze full of imaginary monsters and self-doubt, and you will learn to comfort the little kid within with the same kindness and understanding that you would to your loved one, or even a stranger.
When you sit with your pains long enough, when you let yourself suffer long enough, you will develop an unwavering faith in how much you deserve to be loved, that’s the faith that nobody or nothing can shake away from you.
And I’m here to remind you, as I’ve reminded the little kid within me,
You deserve a fairy-tale worthy of love.
You deserve a fulfilling love, one that nurtures your soul and supports your growth, allowing you to shine in your truest, most authentic form.
I hope you will get ready to receive all the blessings from above.
I hope you will truly be ready when love knocks at your door,
Don’t run away,
I’m here with you, the whole universe is around you, holding your hand —
You are not alone.
You deserve every bit of love, in all its forms and abundance.
Loves,
Tracy
