Dear Candy Corn: A Breakup Letter

Dear Candy Corn,

I remember the good old days. I’d line you up in neat rows, like tiny soldiers waiting to be beheaded. I’d circle you around delicious pumpkins. You would snuggle in my bathrobe pocket, hidden from those greedy children of mine. You’d tinkle against forgotten paper clips and lint. Once you even mingled in with a baby tooth I’d forgotten to put beneath a pillow. That was an unpleasant bite for me. I’m sure you laughed.

How we both laughed. Our sugary love could get me through late night breastfeeding, midnight work calls,and bad TV binges. You were there for me, even when my husband fell asleep watching the same episode of House of Cards every single night. You could keep me going like no one else.

But something’s changed. Don’t get defensive. I didn’t say it was you. It’s me. I just have to say it: lately when I eat you all that happens is I get a stomach ache. No longer do I stay up until 2 a.m., happily alert. You make me tired. Sometimes you make my teeth feel tingly. And the mornings. Well,CC, I feel like I’m hung over. And even your tricolor sweetness isn’t worth that these days.

So I’m sorry. I’ve tried. This isn’t because you’ve overindexed and turned up as frosting and ice cream. It’s probably just a menopause thing. Maybe you are right and it’s a mid-life crisis. Maybe I’ll get over it.

I know this must be scary for you. I know I‘m always referred to by friends and colleagues as the only person they have ever met who loves candy corn. But I’m sure you’ll find someone new. And I bet they’ll be better looking than me. I bet they won’t hide you in your pockets. They will eat you out in the sun. You deserve that. I mean it.

And don’t worry, I won’t be letting some new corn take your place. I won’t try to find an organic replacement for your plastic sweetness. I won’t try to make my own. I know you think this is about Twizzlers. I’s true. I do love him too. I’m sorry; he has a lot more staying power than you; don’t get started on the fact you both are cholesterol free again.

This is about me.

And maybe Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice cream.

Sadly,

Eileen