Ignore Thy Child: The Most Important Back-to-Work Rule

A close friend recently went back to work full-time. She treated her re-entry into the workforce with the same aplomb and amazing productivity that she had brought to six years of stay-at-home motherhood. Seriously, this woman is a machine–she gets more done for her family, home and community in a week than most people do in a year. From chairing committees to repairing plumbing to playing with her kids, she does it all. And she does it all with love and grace.

So when she decided to go back to work, she quickly found not just a job but the job–one that gave her great opportunities while keeping her a stone’s throw from home. She had it all planned out, and all was going amazingly well that first week. She’d hit the gym at 5:15 a.m., drop her oldest off at school, work all day and be home in time for dinner. She was energized by the work, her kids loved the new nanny, and everything was amazing.

Until she decided to take advantage of that proximity and drop in on her preschooler’s lunchtime gymnastics class.

All was great. He greeted her with a hug. They had lunch. And then she had to leave. He did too. But not with her. And that’s when the tears started all around. My friend who had made such an easy transition back was suddenly full of angst. 20 minutes with a preschooler had outdone all her well laid plans.

It’s a mistake we all make. When we go back to work we want so badly to make sure everyone is OK with us that we try to insert ourselves back into our old role. We think that by us being there we will help our kids but we are just a reminder of the old normal, which was awesome, and a distraction from the new normal, which can be just as awesome if we can just get around that guilt that happens when we physically (but never emotionally) separate from our child for the workday.

As a work-at-home mom, my lines are often blurred. To be completely honest, I lost an amazing nanny when I first started working from home full-time for no other reason than having my baby within arm’s reach when I was supposed to be working filled me with resentment. I was unable to balance the good of working with the bad of missing out on babyhood. And he was my third child. Perhaps the fact that he was my last–or that I was so physically close to him–made the transition back to work harder than ever. But this I know: time I spent with him when I should have been working didn’t do either of us any good. Today, I keep the (sometimes metaphorical) door shut when I’m working at all times.

I have another friend who basically shuts off the whole world when she is at work, not just her kids. She doesn’t look at personal emails until the evening. While this can be super annoying (especially when you need her for something important like checking out your new haircut), it helps her maintain her sanity and be productive (and happy) in all aspects of her life. I’ve tried to follow this approach though I haven’t been able to resist the occasional peek at Facebook. But it’s a good goal to have.

So, moms, I guess my point is this: when you go back to work, just go back. Don’t feel sorry for yourself, don’t feel sorry for your child. You are all OK. You are back to work for a reason–and whatever it is, I am sure it is a good (and right) one for your family. Enjoy your job, come home with interesting stories for your kids. Show them that women can have whatever they want. Even if it means you might miss a gym class, you won’t ever miss a minute of what really matters: their love.

Originally published by OptBackIn, visit their blog at http://www.optbackin.com/blog/ for great content and advice for women re-entering the workforce.