Stochastic India | March 2018
This is a monthly political satire column. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is intended.
Dramatic Personae:
Amitiavelli: A descendant of Machiavelli, now serving the BJP and the Moody government. He is everywhere and nowhere.
Rahul Shah Zafar: Crown Prince; heir to an Empire that is now crumbling. President of the Indian National Kaurava Party.
M: Referred to by some as Mrs. G, but by most as simply ‘M’. Like Judi Dench, she signs with green ink. Before Rahul Gee, she was the leader of the UKA (United Kaurava Alliance). Speculations say that ‘M’ stands for Mother.
Gerua Krishna Advani: Prime Minister hopeful. President hopeful. NDA Chairman hopeful.
Lady Justice: Ms. Justice is the apex judicial authority of the nation.
Shekhar Vardarajan: Mr. Shekhar Vardarajan runs an independent online journalism outfit. He is currently facing defamation suits worth up to Rs. 1000 crores.
Ram Pitroda: Not to be confused with Ram Madhav, Mr. Pitroda, is India’s quintessential technocrat. The Ram in his name is pronounced like the Sam in Manekshaw.
Contractor Kishore: Works on contract for political parties; credited with BJP and JD(U)’s electoral successes.
The Consortium: A conglomeration of the worst hit by the Moody regime: Nirav, Vijay, Mehul, Subrata and Friends.
Sooraj Tharoor: Served at the Un-united Nations, Mr. Tharoor is against farragoes of distortion, misrepresentations and outright lies.
Derek O’Cryin: Self-proclaimed representative of the Opposition Coalition. Erstwhile quizmaster; presently the lackey for Khamata Banerjee.
Suparnakha Choudhary: Famous for her laughter from The Ramayana to the Indian Parliament.
— — — — — — — — — — — Act 1, Scene One — — — — — — — — — — — — —
2018. In an undisclosed location takes place a meeting, so distinguished and dangerous that it could be charged under Section 141 (Unlawful Assembly) of Indian Prostration Code. Guests take their seats around the table.
Enter: G. K. Advani, in a state of hassle, one half nervous, one half excited, in an uncanny hurry to prevent being seen by the paparazzi (he considers himself a celebrity). Exhilarated to avenge the people who have rendered the Conference Hall in his house useless.
M: Arre, Advani Sahab, please come in. Have a seat. We were just waiting for you before beginning. Why do you look so nervous?
G. K. Advani (wiping his sweat): I don’t want to be on Banana Republic TV tomorrow for taking part in this anti-national dinner party. You know what happened to Togadia after he spoke against Moody? Nobody is safe I’m telling you.
Derek O’Cryin: Don’t worry Advani Ji, we are in the Opposition. The Media does not cover us anymore. By the way, Did you know —
M (cutting O’Cryin off) : Ok Derek, lets keep the trivia for later. Advani Sahab, I hope you’re not carrying any deadly weapons. We don’t want to be booked under — which section is it Ms. Justice?
Ms. Justice: Section 144 , Madam. 141 toh pukka hai! See even I have left my sword back home.
G. K. Advani: My trishul carrying days are long over, Madam. Anyway this seems more like a meeting of the Office of RG than the Opposition, Derek. It looks like I just haven’t come to terms with the fact that this is the Opposition now. Ab shuru karey meeting? I hope there’s some beef kebabs!
Chuckles all round. Suparnakha Choudhary’s laugh overshadows the room.
— — — — — — — — — — — Act 1, Scene Two — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Sitting on a round Dinner Table, having enjoyed a fruitful meal, our characters now get down to business.
Contractor Kishore: That Gorakhpuri Dal was quite something, hai naa? Perfect combination of Mulayam beans and Mayawati rajma. Rahul Gee I had told you this combination would have worked in last year’s election also.
G.K. Advani (cutting off Contractor Kishore): Rahul, how was the Opposition Dinner that was organized a few days back. Media makes it sound like you have a strategy in place?
Rahul Shah Zafar: Arre, Advani Uncle, you know how those things are. It was a photo-op. With the Communists there you can’t really discuss anything. All they wanted was an egalitarian distribution of speaking time and twitter followers. Anyway, they were not eating. Some kind of a protest against the American Intervention in Vietnam.
Advani: The Communists are the reason I changed my name to Gerua. Coming back to 2018. I had warned you naa: Nitish is the Mir Jafar of Indian Politics. But Naidu’s TDP looks like a good replacement for the JD(U) in the Kaurava Alliance? Or are you still hopeful about Jagan coming back?
Ram Pitroda: Naidu is seeking Prime Ministership and Jagan is seeking Chief Ministership. We would rather that both remain happy with their current positions itself. Anyway we are moving carefully after the debacle in Bihar.
Sooraj Tharoor: We realized late that the ‘J’ in JD(U) stands for Judas.
Rahul Shah Zafar: Dekhiye, asli Opposition meet toh yeh hai, Advani Uncle. Aaj, milke humein strategy devise karna hoga. Aisa strategy jo Aloo Prasad Yadav, Cycle Yadav or Stalin, ko bhi manzoor ho. By the way, how did BJP poach Naresh Agarwal?
Shekhar Vardarajan: Rahul Gee, woh toh chalta rahta hai. He is a party hopper, as the youth say; new age Aaya Ram Gaya Ram. More importantly. Everyone knows that Amitiavelli Bhai is on the Reliance of the double As from Gujarat, who have become his Medici. I hope you understand that as per court orders I cant take their names. (Casting a sharp glance at Ms. Justice).
Ms. Justice: Dura Lex Sed Lex, my boy. The law is harsh but it is the law.
Vardarajan: Anyway, do you have anyone who can act as your Fuggers or Rothschilds? Someone that can fund this Coalition?
Ram Pitroda (waiting eagerly to introduce the gentlemen on the phone): Yes, Mr. Vardarajan. This Consortium of Honorable Businessmen joining us via teleconference have expressed their support to us. In private of course. In fact Mr. Sahara Roy has decided to stop helping Baba Kamdev as well. After all, a scoundrel may be of use to us just because he is a scoundrel. Mr. Mallya is just waiting to wrap up his case in London. That should bring about some Acche Din for us I suppose: A. Raja, Shah-zada and the King of Good Times. What a track record to have for Moody.
Derek O’Cryin (enthusiastically): Did you know the King of Good Times used to be the National Working President of the Subramanian Haraamy-led Janata Party!
M: Derek, lets keep the trivia for the last. Dekhiye problem yeh hai: Moody has installed his Gujarat cadre puppets in every institution that screws with our happiness. RBI, CBI, ED, and even the ECI all have his people either as heads or de facto heads. The Judiciary (Yudhisthir), the Police (Bhim), the Media(Arjun), the civil and foreign services (Nakul & Sahdev) that are the Pandavas of the country’s democracy are all in his pocket.
Ms. Justice (whispering to M): Beware of Section 2(b), 2(c) of the Contempt of Courts Act, 1971, Madam.
M: Something needs to be done about this! They have made our political presence a pain in our own buttocks. This man has no morals. Using instances of our corrupt action against us, now. Who does that? Everyone benefits from office. Isn’t that why its called Office of Profit?
Sooraj Tharoor: The joke in the country is that the CBI celebrates its Founders Day on April 1st. Yet we are its punchline. First the National Herald, then Aloo Ji and now Kidambaram. We need to do something about them.
Advani: Arre, toh woh tumhaare se hi toh seekhe hai yeh game khelna! You need more than just an Ugger or a Rothschild. You need a Chanakya too. So what if our academia has forgotten Chanakya, our politics will never. You think I care Mandir kahaan banega? I came up with Kamandal only to counter your Mandal Commission. Don’t look so shocked Ms. Justice. See: to defeat Moody, you need to attack his legitimacy. Yaar, we all know that he’s rigging the EVMs. Instead of just making a call to go back to paper ballots, find the bloody proof na. And for God’s sake Rahul, learn from Napoleon: “to become a great general and to master the secrets of the art of war, one must read and reread the campaigns of the Great Captains.” Tell Tharoor to read a bed time story from the Great Indian Novel to you every night. That Monk who sold his saffron Ferrari and has now become UP’s CM has recently said that Hinduism is inherently secular. Ram ke khaatir, at least don’t lose the Secularism patent that you have.
Vardarajan (with disgust): That fraud Yogi saying he’s secular is like a Gir lion saying he’s a vegetarian. I hope the Indians don’t become the sacrificial barasingha.
Tharoor: There you go. That joins the PNB Bank receiving a National Vigilance Award and an exam failure writing a book called ‘Exam Warriors’ as the best examples of irony that India has to offer.
(Suparnakha Choudhary bursts out laughing. There is no one to police her today)
Contractor Kishore: Sir, when I made Moody Ji win in 2014, I did it through narrative management. See how he’s using it today. PNB is no longer a scam. It’s a fraud, implying that the government is not complicit but a victim. And why do you think Sridevi’s death has become so important? Its only to distract. The Government is playing on the keyboard that is the national press.
M: Hmm… So are you saying these comments by (Sri)² from Art of Living about Syria, Harsha Vardhan’s (MoS for Anti-Rational Affairs) about Hawking and the Vedas, and the HRD Minister’s monkeying around with Darwinism is merely a smokescreen?
Advance (the strategist in him awakening): Make uproar in the east but attack in the west, Madam (that Chinese copycat Sun Tzu). Dekhiye, I hate the communists, but what they have done in Maharashtra is remarkable. Kya embarrass kiye hai. Unko alliance mein shaamil keejiye. After this Tripura loss, I am sure, Krakash Parat’s teeth would have weakened. Learn from how AAPka yeh AK-49 had laid a siege against your secretariat with the help of Anna Hazare. You need to do that in Lucknow. Only if you break Lucknow can you break Moody. You need to get some dirt on Banana Republic TV and help out your friends at Purani Dilli TV. I’m sure this Consortium can help with that. Also Derek, be careful, Moody is sure to create some communal problem in Bengal.
Derek O’Cryin: Did you know that Noakhali is —
Advani (raising his voice): Like master, like lackey. Let me complete Derek. Madam, dekhiye, yeh Moody is a wolf in snake’s clothing. Do you really think he’s behaving like an owl after the performance of a jackass (in the by- elections) if he hasn’t benefited from it. He wanted to show that Monk who’s paying the EMI on his Ferrari and convince the nation that the EVMs are sacred. Anyway thats what the Ministers of Home and External Affairs have told me. If the Media is blacking you out. Use the original 4th estate: the Rumor Mongerers. I’m sure you have many of those on your payroll. Aur yaad rakhiye: Saam, Daam, Dand, Bhed.
Rahul: Advani Uncle, if you keep helping us like this, you can become our Deputy Prime Minister too!
Our characters have now created an effective battle plan. To mark the end of the dinner, everyone gets up, finishes their drinks in a gulp and starts singing that famous tune by John Lenin-
However, what our characters don’t know is that the Mahatma Gandhi portrait that hangs over them is the new espionage device that has been employed by Amitiavelli Bhai. Dark days lie ahead.
The author writes under the pseudonym of Narada Muni.
‘Narada’ is a recurring character appearing in texts that shape the Indian fabric: The Mahabharata, The Ramayan and the Puranas. Mr. Narad was the first journalist in the Cosmos. He travelled with a Veena and a khartal (instruments for the non musically inclined readers), a mischievous smile on his face and scandalous gossip on his tongue. He was both messenger and Consigliere for the Gods. The author reports on a dinner table conversation that is happening somewhere in the Corridors of Power. In order to compete with the modern media moguls of India, Mr Narad has had to adopt their style and make it his own: Journalism, tadka maarke.
