When I hear love…

When I hear love,
I don’t hear it the same way you do
I don’t hear the vowels erupt bonfires of ecstasy within my wood,
I don’t hear ‘I love you’
I hear I don’t have the permission to
I hear passion swirling in the aorta of my heart
Out on slit wrists
Crying to be stitched
With some of the world’s most prized possession locked within it
And past interests saying it’s not worth being broken into

I hear couples hand in hand walking slowly on solemnly streets
And me suffering from withdrawal symptoms sweating in the sheets
Don’t ask me why I can’t walk past them
I am too scared to bear the passion
Passing passively through them
Progressing pass past promises
Promoting pertinent pain
Proceeding all that passion
Not enough memories of good feelings can help me get past them

Don’t ask me why I watch couples
Kiss in underground tunnels
Or why my heart gyrates wishes
Of being stuck with them in that moment
Begging time to stand still
With me an unwanted third wheel
Of a tricycle
They have grown out of
Gate crashing their fantasy and never wanting to leave

Close your eyes Efosa
Or at least look away
Small talk with yourself
Envision the synthetic transfusion of the small spark of happiness
That dried in the petals of the dead roses you sent to her
Yet she still threw away
When you thought it would all get you to the same place as them
Or the printed out poetry you got her to critique on your very “first date”
Oh yh…it wasn’t a “date”.

Nothing is ever simple when it comes to you, is it?
No, and I don’t know if that’s good enough

I hear love
And I think of my heart stuck in a cage beating in my chest like some peculiar muscle trapped in a zoo
Writing with blood on walls the most unrealistic and tantalising stories that never really come true
A reality where everybody is free, even we
A reality where everybody replies to text messages, even her
A reality where everybody is honest with their feelings, not just me
A reality where everybody is wanted, even we
A reality where everybody is wanted, even…

me.

When I hear love,
I hear all the times my battered heart had convinced my brain to believe it was never hurt.

When I hear love,
I hear my friends say they would be more happy for me getting in a relationship than themselves.

When I hear love,
I hear I wear my passion like a fragrance that is too pungent
That I smell too fishy when trying to catch fish

When I hear love,
I hear trapped nerves that were trapped for no reason
But to teach me to never stop breathing
I hear diaphragms raise pruned thoughts past thymus glands
I hear slurred words with lips too huge to carry them
I see hands sweat more tears than I have shed
I hear women parade my dreams of being a great father as not big enough

When I hear love,
I hear Efosa, I will break you
I hear Efosa, the permission? Who gave you!
I hear Efosa, why would someone like me love you?

When I…
When I hear love,

I hear Efosa, never fucking give up!