On my self-defined binaries of life
I am a person that functions on self-defined binaries of life. Often extreme opposites. People are either my super close best friends or indifferent acquaintances. Entertainment produces either an obsessive, passionate, personal response in me or non-attachment, distaste, oblivion (whether that is music, movies, books, series, or anything else). You might be thinking that I am some sort of weirdo but that’s how I’ve been all my life. My mom always says that since I was a child, I have been very “strict” in the beliefs that I commit to. And by “child” I mean two-year-old me who already got into trouble for arguing with her fellow toddlers about what she believed was morally right and wrong in the world. Most of these strict beliefs are really just personal opinions on the most stupid, banal things that you can imagine. But that is how I am. I guess the meaning behind my name, “God is my judge”, wasn’t so far off the mark. I define myself as an atheist, although I believe in a greater thing, whatever that is. So for me, that “whatever” is the judge of who I am.
These self-defined binaries through which I’ve led most of my life have also resulted in quite a funny contradiction in me. Today, as I was talking to one of my flatmates and explaining to him the reasons why I was hesitant to ride a bike in the city (yes, a bike), I became aware of the ridiculous way in which my mind functions. You see, another binary I have is that I am not the least afraid of making the craziest, most idealistic, far-fetched life decisions or goals, because I am 100% sure that I can achieve them. It might sound arrogant, but I believe that I have achieved pretty crazy goals in the past years: meet my favorite band at the airport? check. Attend the premiere of a favorite movie and meet the cast? check. Drop everything and move to another country to meet in person my online boyfriend? check. Be totally in love with said boyfriend? check. Graduate with honors in spite of having a learning curve? check. Travel to the US against all odds and audition to music school? check (nevermind I failed the exam, you get what I mean). What’s the catch? you say. Well, the catch is that I am afraid of doing the small things. So, while I am not afraid to embark on big life projects, I am afraid of riding a bike in the city. I am afraid of using a dishwasher. I am afraid of going to the market in a foreign country and saying something stupid because I don’t know the language. I am afraid of people watching me eat. Writing it out makes me wonder what your reaction is while reading this (also something I am afraid of haha) and whether there is something wrong with me.
Insecurities aside, I thought it was kinda interesting to see these binaries that I have created in my mind and that have shaped my identity since way back when. I guess I have come to a point of analyzing myself as an outsider looking into the weird quirks that make me me (probably a bi-product of studying literature for so many years). So now, I ask you, dear reader, if you were to momentarily separate your conscious mind from yourself, and really see yourself, what quirky things define who you are?
