Politely Declining: An underused leadership superpower

If you’re a leader in a company, this should be a familiar scenario. You’ve been invited to a meeting, along with 2 other highly ranked peers (VPs or directors) — both seem to be there sharing their opinions on the project but none of them claiming clear ownership. The conversation starts going in a direction you don’t agree with, and you step in to engage. Chaos ensues. The meeting ends. No decision is made. The core project team is left more confused than they were before the meeting started.

Could you have done anything to avoid this?

Yes. Politely decline.

It all starts with “I’ll add you to the meeting.”…

To be fair — this isn’t your fault (alone) — you got invited to the meeting. The issue is deeply rooted in how that project team or your company treats trust, accountability, and ownership. It is possible that the project manager invited the VP of Operations to demonstrate that the project is proceeding as planned on budget, or someone invited the Director of Supply Chain to share their expertise based on a similar project without consulting the team, and someone else from the marketing team thought it would be good to you, another VP in the meeting because there was a conflict in the way the marketing team and your team were being utilized for the project.

While there are many ways to manage this well, most situations of this sort end up with the following outcome:

• Utter chaos and a lot of talking with no one really taking ownership
• Smart recommendations being made, but too late in the project
• The main project team not knowing which leader to please since all of them may have had conflicting opinions
• And in a worst-case scenario, another meeting to resolve discuss how to pivot the project

Your dilemma as a leader

When you’re invited to a meeting as someone in the capacity of a leader, there is an invisible obligation to share your opinion, be the voice for your team. Unfortunately, most of the time the thoughts you may share in these meetings (while they may be right) may not be informed by all of the previous work, decisions, and discussions the team might have had before they came to this meeting. Your intentions are good, but the team now thinks they have to follow your lead. Unless this team comes from one of those rare organizations where autonomy is valued, they are going to do everything they can to please you as a leader, and get the project done, your way. And if this isn’t enough of an issue, when the team has 3 different people in leadership roles voicing their opinions —and they point in different (even slightly), each team under that leader is confused which way to go.

Meetings. Meetings. Meetings. If they weren’t a problem already, working virtually in the pandemic has definitely heightened the benefits and the barriers they create. But, since meetings are hard to avoid in today’s day and age — there is something that we as leaders can do to make meetings less painful.

Politely Declining: When to do it and why

It’s counterintuitive but ‘deciding not to participate’ is as important as your decision to participate. (of course, I say this with a caveat — that there are times when you need to be in a conversation to yield your position of power, this is not for those times).

Here is when you should politely decline to be in meeting:

• Too many chefs in the kitchen. If you notice 2 or more leaders at your level are already involved who are more than competent, it’s worth considering declining. This shows that you trust the leadership of your peers even if you may not agree with their methods completely. This is not about proving you are better than them, but ensuring that the work moves forward.
• Don’t think you can add value. Ask the person who invited you for a complete context and why they would in the meeting. After that if you genuinely think you can add value to the meeting, attend it. If not, politely decline, explain why you don’t think it makes sense for you to participate.
• If you can empower your team to make decisions on behalf of you. At a certain point in your career, your position of power in the company is your identity. However, you don’t always need to be present in-person to use this power. If you can empower and trust your team to make decisions on your behalf you have made yourself effective as a leader.
• If there is no single clear owner of the project. It is very important to understand who is the owner of the project. This isn’t about hierarchy but about accountability. At the end of a meeting, if no one knows who is responsible for taking action, the last 45 mins were a waste of time for everyone involved. Also, while everyone is entitled to their opinions and healthy arguments are good to take projects to the next level, regardless of hierarchy, it is important for someone to take ownership and make a decision to move in a specific direction.

It’s easier said than done and definitely something that might go against your ego, but by doing this, you are sending out the right signals.

To your team, you are telling them that you trust their decisions and will stand behind them.

To your collaborators, you signal that you value their time.

To your peers, other leaders, you signal that you trust their leadership.

A side note to the team/meeting manager
When inviting a leader to a conversation, do the following:

• Take the consent of your team
• Ensure that you onboard the leader on the history and status of the project
• Set clear objectives and what you need from leaders

This HBR article has some great actionable tips to assess which meetings to decline and questions you can ask to get more context