How to be a Nigerian Mechanic (Muse- Elnathan Jon)
Remember the first rule Fathai, you are not here to fix the car problem, you’re here to fix it enough for them to call you another day. It is called passive income (That’s the billionaire mindset, how do you think Jeff Bezos makes money in his sleep?).
Being an auto-mechanic in Nigeria is a divine status bestowed upon you by the failure of the educational system and a job market that turns mechanical engineering students to Introductory Technology teachers. While the actual mechanics are drawing engine parts and cramming formulas, you are cashing out in the streets. Makes me Reminisce about the lines from a legendary artiste which, best put in English, goes “tucking in is no longer lucrative”.
This is why when your regular customers call (regular, cause they just always happen to have issues with their cars, it’s the ‘Lord’s doing’) you don’t rush to them cause you can’t look idle, even if it’s an emergency, it’s African time, everyone does it. Tell them you will be there in 15 minutes with utmost enthusiasm (also 1 hour, 35 minutes in Nigerian time. You are responsible for what you say, they are responsible for what they hear, or however they say it). You can then go about and do other things with reckless abandon, like sending your apprentice rice in stainless plates, never forget to remind them mi o fe isan (I don’t want the muscle of the cow).
It’s now 45 minutes, your customer is calling you again. It’s time to strap on your dirty and greasy overall, (not all heroes wear capes). Some haters say you should only to wear it in the workshop when you are actually working, but how will people know you are a mechanic if they don’t see you in your grease-with-a-touch-of-fabric overall. When you board a bus, wahala for who wear white shirt. They will try to correct you for staining them, curse them out and tell them it’s dignity of labor or if it’s a young guy with dreads and that phone with the bitten Apple at the back, call him a yahoo boy, their generation is very disrespectful, in your own time, you could not even look at adults in the eyes.
Your customer is most likely losing patience and calling aggressively at this point, you’ll tell them you’re five minutes away and there is ‘hold up’, more preferable, “a trailer ‘jam’ keke and has crossed the road.” Tell them you have dropped from the bus and taken a bike (don’t forget to blow air in the speaker for effect). See, as a Nigerian mechanic, just like every other artisan, lying is one of your ultimate tools and once you master it, it’s a small price to pay for the redemption that comes with it. They call them lies; I say it’s just a version of the truth. One of such that should be in your arsenal is the ‘filling station’ lie. You see, wherever you are in Nigeria, there is a landmark that will always pop up around you and that is a filling station. It is not terrible town planning, we have to show off our national treasure- oil. So even if you are 30 minutes away, just tell them “look at that filling station, yes, that one! I am looking at it, I am coming”. There will always be a filling station around them. You could probably win a war against Nigeria with a matchbox.
When you finally reach your destination, lament about your ordeals in the ‘hold up’, and what you have gone through for their sake. When you ask what the issue is, act like you’re listening but you already know no matter what it is, it is an unspoken rule that the ‘fan belt’ and ‘radiator’ must be mentioned in your analysis of the car’s problem. Start the engine 3 times while listening with rapt attention like you can hear the spirit of the car telling you what the problem is. You’ll come down shaking your head, it’s just for effect. The bigger you present the problem, the more you’ll have to do and that means more money.
The last stage is pricing. Always start with a huge amount, because they’ll beat it down, especially if it’s a woman. Legend has it that they price meat from Three Thousand Naira to Seven Hundred and Fifty Naira, so stop acting like two legends cannot co-exist. When she agrees to your price, act like you’re doing the work at a loss and slip in the Mi o charge yi mummy line (I am not even charging you Mummy). You’re not even doing it for the money, at least God is the ultimate provider. If it’s in Ibadan, tell them you’ll get the necessary parts from ‘Gate’ or if you are in Lagos, ‘Ladipo’ is the keyword. Don’t collect any money except the transport fare yet. To look accountable, tell them you are not sure of the price yet, knowing at the back of your mind that the needed part is wasting away in your shop. The customary thing to do is to call ‘when you get there’ that the parts turned out to be more expensive than you anticipated and you even had to add your own money. While doing all this, don’t forget the hose you slightly shifted, so they can call you next week to fix the fuel pump. As I said earlier, it is passive income, and after all, you’re just being Nigerian. As Naira Beethoven Marley said, Ole ni everybody.
