Raise Your Voice: It Wouldn’t Represent The Whole You, We’re Just Perceiving The Holes

We must not be silent about something that we consider essential while respecting personal privacy.

I could say that I was the kind of person who always avoided conflict. I often keep my anger for myself. Problems and emotions that I have are my duties, everyone doesn’t have responsibility for them. As an individual we have the capacity, have an effort to recharge the spirits within. I thought I can be the better me for all. As I know how does it feel when our hearts are hurt, disappointed, hard to heal. It affects everything we do day by day. So I do heal myself first before I come up with people. I commit to facing my own problems without any given leg up by someone. Sometimes I just can’t easily make up spoken words nor tell the whole story. When I'm mad, it just gets stuck inside my head. I constantly have conversations with myself. I'm just used to expressing my feelings by writing pages and pages of journals. There’s sometimes an answer, but not often my feelings are getting worse. Or sometimes when I reread my past thoughts, I can laugh at myself for my immature response. I'm just resentful. I do cry. I do pray. And If I can say, I make an oath of silence. A lot. By oneself.

Think that’s why some of my friends asked me why I can be so calm. They once said that I'm flat. I'm not that expressive and showy. Oh, I have things in my head. If only I could be an eloquent person. Inasmuch as our world has already given more space for anyone who is able to speak. Our society does not serve people without a voice. Unsaid words left neglected.

In this context, comes to my mind a literary theory that was coined by Jacques Derrida named deconstructionism. I don't want to make this writing so theoretical. But that's all that suddenly urged me into this topic. Derrida described that we don't really know how to explain what we know. Otherwise, we precisely explain what we don’t know. We don’t say what something really is. We’re just perceiving what goes around us. Our field of experiences is different and makes us who we are today. The concepts and terms, all are equal and work together to become what we read and write. This philosopher also believed, no matter who is the author, writing will speak. It is determined by the reader. The concept of using holes to see whole gives us an understanding that speech can only communicate when chosen. Everything in this reality is a text.

And here I quote: “Without knowing from whence the thing comes and what awaits us, we are given over to absolute solitude. No one can speak with us and no one can speak for us; we must take it upon ourselves, each of us must take it upon himself.”

It must be a primordial principle that I think every human being should have. None superior or inferior to another. Some people deserve our respect. Some people who are not, deserve freedom of themselves. It is just a simple thing that I will let people enjoy things. Because we don’t know the unsaid words. So that I will do me. That is the rule I assume exists in every single head of ours. But the fact is, there is always someone who breaks it. There’s a fake, manipulative and hypocrite outside. Hurting each other’s feelings and being a parasite for others. Bottom line, we are not angels. At this point, I remember the words of a parable my mom has told me. I don't know where she found those words that are firmly engraved in my marrow. She said, “Even if a worm is touched, it will squirm. You're human, don't be quiescent!”

Yet I study communication, I know I'm not a good communicator. Just based on the elements of good communication, we should deliver the message according to the receiver. The key to effectively convey and receive messages in person is adaptation. We need to adapt to the one we are talking to. We need to listen in a way that gains the full meaning of what’s being said. Looking for common ground, make them feel heard and understood, then the process of communication will just like a river flows.

But there's a question that just popped up in my head: why do we always seem to have to fit in?

I was just disinclined to fit in. “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” Or perhaps I was a very private person. Like I won’t tell if you do not ask. As well as you are the person I feel connected to. I don't know why. It is hard for me to deliver my personal thoughts and feelings directly. I think twice just to speak. Once I speak, I feel something is not intact. In a forum of discussion, for example, I will be the one who speaks at the end. Gathering the other’s perspectives and believe it or not, sensing the circumstances, then deciding to state an opinion. Radaring people and speculating whether this person has a ‘genuine connexion’ or not. It is useless for me to talk with people who don’t get it, you know, the atmosphere of the talk.

Honestly, I can’t get rid of the other’s interpretation. Sometimes I just found myself thinking about what probably happened right after I said a word. Did I say something wrong, hurt someone's feelings, are my words matter, and so on. There are many possible interpretations. On the other hand, I see this as a unique aspect that human beings have. We have our own world of imagination. Our responses to life are diverse. But I may dive into this discourse, maybe I should learn more about the essence of human relations. Leave that to others, I try to advise myself anyways.

We know, nowadays, our way of communication changes a lot. The new media era brings us through having less and less face-to-face interaction. When interacting with people physically, I still can understand them, their background, their condition, and obviously the context. I can feel the vibe of the relationship and create a deeper relationship if it was initiated socially. Here I can still think twice when speaking like before. But having a conversation online somehow allows me to get the emotion directly. Focusing only on our own circumstances. I can quickly get angry with the behavior or text from the person far across the device. But this feeling only comes temporarily. I guess this communication technology is like setting me up to be more easily getting mad and easy to forget. I don't see this as a good thing cause it occurs frequently.

I think this is all because we were overwhelmed to respond, all notifications appear at one time. We chat with many people on many topics at once. The information is overloaded inside our heads. Realize or not, people overshare their personal details on the internet, desiring a deep connection virtually that is incoherent. We find it difficult to respect privateness. Compared with offline meetings, we can mindfully communicate our feelings and thoughts to the other and there is an intense interaction. Thus, we need a break time from this exhausting activity. Boisterous.

At the same time, we actually have much alternative access to voice our concerns, to communicate our problems. Because I know this world is not always okay along with the more I grow and encounter many facts in this world. The fact that there is a lot of injustice going on. Fact that our government is incompetent to serve its people, to handle this pandemic. Corruption cases. Human rights violations. Discrimination, racism, silencing of minorities, broken systems that are still perpetuated, and so on.

For that matter, we all, myself included, are fully aware that we as 'social-self' should have something to say. Instead of 'have to say something'. As my mom said, we must not be silent about something that we consider essential while respecting personal privacy. At least, we have the motion to make ourselves feel alive. No matter what character and background that we have. If it is necessary, just reveal. We must take it upon ourselves, each of us must take it upon himself.