10 No-Fail Tips For Guys On Tinder

Win her over with your apathy.

Like many men, you probably listed “Finding love” at the top of your New Year’s Resolutions list. But maybe you’ve been swiping hard day and night and just not getting the response rate you desire. Worry not, you can make 2017 your year for love! Simply follow these 10 surefire tips and you’ll be a prince among douche-y bros while doing your part to keep reductive gender roles firmly locked in place — not to mention, you’ll be irresistible to the women of Tinder!

Don’t ask any questions.

Contrary to popular belief, conversation is not a two-way street. Let her do all the heavy lifting. If she asks you a question, respond with a one to three word phrase at most. Capitalization and punctuation are optional. And don’t follow-up with a question, or God forbid, multiple questions, about her. Don’t even ask her the same question she asked you back. Leave it up to her to keep the conversation going.

She can look at your profile to see if you left her any more crumbs to grab onto for possible topics, and if you’ve left your profile blank because who really needs words when your shirtless bathroom selfies speak for themselves, she can still scour your linked Spotify and Instagram feeds for conversation starters. If you hold up your end by responding with a one to three word phrase and she drops the ball and can’t keep it going from there, she’s lazy and you don’t want her.

List a lot of requirements.

Do you want her to be hot? “Fit”? Have a “healthy lifestyle” that includes adhering to a strict Paleo diet and running marathons and cliff diving? Say so! You’ll never get what you want if you don’t include a really long and detailed list of all your demands — er — preferences. And while it’s obviously more important to focus on your dream woman’s physical attributes, don’t forget to cover what you need her personality to be like. A flesh and blood human being with a full range of emotions is nothing but a burden. “Happy and positive” will attract a higher caliber candidate and weed out all those Negative Nellies and losers with clinical depression who don’t deserve love anyway!*

Keep in mind that she’s just an accessory there to fulfill your every need and expectation. The more specific you can be, the better. After all, love is all about what you can get, not what you can give.

A flesh and blood human being with a full range of emotions is nothing but a burden.

Say you want NO DRAMA.

Put it in ALL CAPS. Add a few exclamation points if you’d like!!! This is really important — you want to convey that you have a ZERO TOLERANCE policy for anyone who has any “issues” or “baggage.” You don’t want to get stuck with someone who has feelings, has accumulated any painful life experiences whatsoever, or worst of all, cries (DRAMA!!!)! NO DRAMA is basically code for HAVE NO NEEDS, which is ideal for your female accessory.

Demand that she be equally comfortable in sweats and a cocktail dress.

This is totally reasonable and anyone who says it’s not must have a life that’s filled with DRAMA. Who even wears sweats anymore? I haven’t owned sweats since the ‘90s and my cocktail dress is so comfortable I sleep in it. And I pair it with a 6-inch stiletto heel for SoulCycle which I do every morning at 6 a.m. because I’m so “active”!

Make it clear that “tramp stamps” are unacceptable.

Only sluts have tramp stamps and you don’t want to date a slut! This is just a really easy way to weed out all those undesirable women with trashy lower back tattoos who aren’t going to have anything to offer.** Save the $3.50 you’d waste on coffee for this slut by putting this right at the top of your profile: Tramp stamps, swipe left!

Never ask her out on an actual date.

At all times, make every request to see her seem like the booty call that it is. Late night. Last minute. At your apartment. At the bar downstairs from your apartment. If you work at a bar, even better! Just ask her to swing by at the end of your shift. At 1 a.m. on a Tuesday. If she says she can’t meet that late on a weeknight, she’s not spontaneous enough for you. Ultimately you don’t want to date a woman who works in an office — you want a marathon-running yoga teacher/model who is not confined by corporate hours and standard sleep-wake cycles.

Never ask her out at all.

Don’t underestimate how fulfilling endless texting small talk with a stranger can be. No matter what any therapist says, this is how you build true intimacy.

If you’re feeling anything but apathetic, you’re feeling too much.

Refer to her as “Tinderella.”

Why not? Girls love this. It’s a sexist fairytale and soulless dating app all rolled into one cute nickname!

Be married. Crop your head out of your photos. Say you’re looking for “discretion.”

I can’t speak for all women, but whenever I see a profile like this I immediately think, All I want out of this life is to be a side piece for this faceless man with strong character and rock solid integrity.

Expend minimal effort.

Bottom line: If you’re feeling anything but apathetic, you’re feeling too much. If you’re doing anything beyond the absolute bare minimum, rein it in. The last thing you want to do is seem desperate or needy or actually available. Do as little as humanly possible and it’s guaranteed that you’ll fill all women’s hearts with joy and make us thank God every single day that we’re single and get the privilege of swiping for love on Tinder.

* I have depression.

** And also a tramp stamp.

*** Satire aside, people with depression and lower back tattoos absolutely deserve love.

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