10 Ways I Will Be Murdered

By Liz Galvao

1. Running in the park by myself. ​My assailant will immediately be able to tell that I am barely propelling my body forward as it is, and could not run away faster even if my life literally depended on it. My disproportionately heavy breathing during light to moderate cardio will leave me unable to scream for help. He will roll my body into a ditch, and it will be found by a French bulldog who did twice as many miles as I did.

2. Walking past a white van with no windows. ​This is a given. I will be shoved into the back of the van and then held hostage in a basement for nine years, during which time I will not do anything useful, like learn a language or get a head start on my memoirs. I will not even lose any weight.

3. Taking a shower alone in my apartment on a summer night when I left the window open. ​Obviously, a murderer will climb up on the fire escape, and breezily make his way into my apartment. He will see how many books of personal essays by female comedians I own, and will strangle me immediately with my shower curtain.

4. Walking to my car in a parking garage at night. ​This is a freebie. It’s like, why did I even go to the Target if I didn’t want to get clubbed over the head with a crowbar in the three-­tier parking garage? He will shove me in the trunk of my own car, and I’ll suffocate on all the reusable bags I forgot to bring into the store.