10 Ways To Actually Fail As A Feminist

By Winona Dimeo-Ediger

Thousands of words have been written about how easy it is to “fail” as a feminist these days. Depending on who you talk to, shaving your legs, staying home to raise kids, wearing lipstick, or enjoying a little spanking in bed are all grounds to have your feminist card revoked immediately. (And if you’re a lipstick-wearing, leg-shaving SAHM with a kink. . . God forbid.)

What all this obscures, of course, is that there is really only one simple requirement for being a feminist: Believe in equal rights for all genders.

But hey, if we’re going to split hairs, I guess there are a few ways to fail. And come to think of it, there are a few scenarios where lipstick and razors might be involved.

To clear things up, here are 10 ways to actually fail as a feminist:

  1. Become a stay-at-home mom . . . to dedicate more time to telling your daughter she’s not as important as your son. “Jeremy, whatever you can dream, you can achieve! Anna, you can clean up after Jeremy.”
  2. Buy red lipstick . . . to write “#NOTALLMEN” on the wall of a women’s support group. Someone has to stand up against the spread of these harmful generalizations!
  3. Shave your legs . . . while making daily calls to your senators asking them to repeal the 19th amendment. Because that whole “right to vote” thing was a clerical error, right? Why has it been allowed to fester this long without being corrected?
  4. Enjoy a little submissive play in bed . . . to blow off steam from a tough day protesting the equal pay amendment. When women work 100% as hard as men, they will be compensated accordingly. And since they don’t have as much muscle mass, they won’t ever be able to work as hard, so that settles it.
  5. Change your last name . . . to “Limbaugh-Coulter-Huckabee-HeMan-Woman-Hater.” It does have a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?
  6. Paint your nails . . . with neon letters spelling out “Bros over hos!” Because hos are the worst.
  7. Watch porn . . . while filling out the paperwork to deny maternity leave and health benefits to your employees. Making sure that mothers don’t get the time, care, and support they need? Yep, that’s the money shot right there.
  8. Listen to problematic pop music . . . while upvoting Mens’ Rights Activists’ comments on Reddit. What about men and THEIR rights? Did you ever think about THEM?!
  9. Watch The Real Housewives . . . and call all the housewives “dumb sluts.” Come on now, there are less misogynistic things to call them that are just as unflattering.
  10. Change up your food habits. . . as part of a strike to instate Pat Robertson as the head of the National Organization for Women. His unyielding views on lesbianism and satanism are exactly what modern-day feminism needs!

If you’ve committed any of these cardinal feminist sins, I’m sorry to tell you that you’ve failed as a feminist. But the good news? Pretty much everything else is fair game. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go touch up my lipstick and go back to fighting the good fight. We’ve still got a long way to go.

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