12 Things To Do If You Want To Be Jo March
By Sarah Broussard Weaver
1. Learn to love russets.
a. Use Google to learn what russets are.
b. Look for them at Whole Foods and the like.
c. You may have to buy a russet tree and grow them yourself.
d. Now learn to love them.
2. Use slang à la Jo.
a. Tell your friends, “We are a pretty jolly set.”
b. Say “fiddlesticks” instead of “bullshit.”
c. Use “that’s capital” instead of “that’s cool.”
3. Grow your hair extremely long.
a. I hear those gummy bear hair vitamins work well.
b. No, a wig will not do.
4. Dye your hair brown if it’s not already.
a. Or if you’re brunette but have greys coming in like me.
5. Cut it off, sell it, and give the money to your mother for medical bills.
a. Say “Here, Marmee” lovingly when you give it to her.
b. Also point out, with tears in your eyes, that it was your one beauty (even if it was not your one beauty).
c. Just do it, I don’t care if your mother needs the money or not.
d. Just shove it into her hand if she’s reluctant.
6. Do unladylike things girls shouldn’t do: run, whistle, put your hands in your pockets, and examine the heels of your shoes.
a. Not running like with the Nike app, running like racing with your gorgeous boyish neighbor.
b. The boyish neighbor you grew up next door to, what do you mean “who?”
c. Well it’s not my fault you were so shortsighted you didn’t bother growing up next to a boyish neighbor.
d. Knock on doors on your street until you find someone young and cute enough.
e. Then yell “Teddy, let’s race!” and run pell-mell down the hill with him.
f. You don’t even have a hill???
7. Have a bad temper.
8. Love your older sister so much you thwart all her relationship efforts.
a. Jealously glare at any male who looks at her.
b. Tell Marmee immediately if you suspect she likes any men.
c. Fret often to Teddy and Marmee about the possibility of your life being ruined by your sister being married.
9. Love writing in drafty attics.
a. I guess a crawlspace will do if that’s all you can come up with.
b. Wipe your pen on your apron.
c. Sew an apron and buy a non-ballpoint pen to wipe on it.
d. No, I can’t teach you how to sew, that’s Marmee’s job.
10. Keep building the relationship with your boyish neighbor Teddy.
a. Always call him Teddy; that wasn’t Laurie’s real name either.
b. Hopefully by now you have begun sharing secrets.
c. Also encourage him to lay his boyish curly head in your aproned lap while he talks of his grandpa’s stifling of his dreams.
11. Don’t ever fall in love with said boyish neighbor.
a. I know he is adorable but Jo would not do that.
b. I know she should have ended up with Teddy but that is not what happened.
c. Look. You want to be Jo March, not change Jo March.
12. Develop an attraction to older, messier men with German accents.
a. I didn’t want Jo to end up with Mr. Bhaer either but refer above to 10c.
b. I don’t know exactly where to meet men like that, try an English as a Second Language class for German immigrants.
c. Ok just fly to Germany.
d. I’m done with you; you are not sufficiently attuned to the wonder that is Jo March.
e. Try being Amy.
Lead Illustration: Katie Tandy