President Obama recently released his Summer 2016 playlist, including songs from Beyonce, Nina Simone, and Van Morrison. Donald Trump has responded by compiling his own playlist, which some critics are describing as “the audio equivalent of stubbing your pinky toe” and “this sounds like what a Trump Presidency would feel like.” An unnamed source added, “Barack Hussein Obama’s playlist did not include any songs from Nickelback, which, and a lot of people are saying this, are just this fantastic band — best music, the best. I’m a real publicist. I’m not Donald Trump.”
Check out Trump’s hand-curated playlist below, and crank those speakers!
1. Distant air-raid sirens.
2. Shattering glass.
3. The screaming. Oh god, the screaming.
4. A super-cut of dudes interrupting you with “ACTUALLY.”
5. Having to hear the actual thoughts of people who claim that Trump just “says what we’re all thinking.”
6. A car alarm that won’t go off.
7. Dane Cook reading your favorite Rumi poem.
8. The constant exasperated sighs you’d hear if Alex Trebek were your French tutor.
9. A three-hour loop of ambient dentist sounds.
10. If there was a noise equivalent to ripping a hangnail.
11. Babies crying.
12. People sighing really loudly when they hear your baby crying like that’s going to fix anything.
13. A super-cut of cats getting their tails slammed in doors.
14. A smoke detector beeping and you can’t make it stop.
15. Someone constantly describing things that are just unfortunate as “ironic.”
16. Weeping, gnashing of teeth.
17. You buy a Marilynne Robinson audiobook but Gilbert Gottfried is narrating it.
18. A fork scraping against a wine glass.
19. Listening to Insane Clown Posse teach a science class.
20. A white-noise machine that just plays clips of Janice from Friends.
21. Your spouse grinding their teeth all night long, but your spouse is a shark and has 15 rows of teeth.
23. Someone making a joke about Nickelback and waiting for you to laugh, like that’s a fresh take or something.
24. Nails on a chalkboard, except all the schools are shut down.
25. BONUS TRACK: Jar Jar Binks reads the complete works of Maya Angelou.
Lead image: Wikimedia Commons and public domain images