6 Pastas To Pair With Crushing Disappointment

By Almie Rose

In this waistline-obsessed world of fad diets that never work out and the crushed dreams that inevitably follow, one mantra regularly persists: cut carbs.

But alas, as we all know, there are occasions for which spaghetti squash simply will not do. Because really, spaghetti squash is pasta the same way a flannel shirt is pasta: it’s not even close. If you were in the mood for pasta, you wouldn’t stuff flannel in your face and start chewing, now would you?

Exactly.

When disappointment strikes, you’re well within reason to pasta your way through it. Here are six great pasta dishes that pair well with crushing disappointment.

The crushing disappointment:
You lost your job
The pasta to pair it with:
Baked ziti

Baked_Ziti

A shock like this requires something heavy and smothered in cheese. Don’t even bother to dish it out onto a plate; just stick a fork in it and start eating until you see God. Pro tip: a pasta dish like this requires a little more time and effort than other pasta dishes, but that totally works out, because you’re unemployed now. What else are you going to do? Get cooking, superstar!

The crushing disappointment:
You caught your man cheating
The pasta to pair it with:
KRAFT Macaroni & Cheese

mac n cheese

So, you caught your boyfriend cheating with your (former) BFF, Courtney? How can you possibly think about pasta at a time like this? Take a deep breath, and believe in yourself: it’s totally possible. All you need is that blue box of cheesy convenience. Out of butter? Substitute it with olive oil. Out of milk? Substitute it with plain yogurt. Out of everything? Cook the pasta, shove it in your mouth, and pour the powdered cheese sauce directly into your face hole. #IfYouCantHandleMeAtMyWorstYouDontDeserveMeAtMyBest

The crushing disappointment:
You’re absolutely broke
The pasta to pair with it:
Buttered noodles

Buttered noodles

Mmm-mmm! Nothing says cheap eats like buttered pasta. But just because you’re broke doesn’t mean you can’t have a Pinterest-worthy pasta plate. Simply take that old package of partially crushed pasta from the back of the cupboard, the one you’ve ignored in favor of take-out every night, toss it in a pot, grab the smashed butter stick covered in toast crumbs from the door of the fridge, and smear it all over your noodles while they’re piping hot. Don’t worry about the toast crumbs — they provide extra flavor! Garnish with dried basil (because we know you don’t have fresh), or in the absence of basil, tears. More flavor!

The crushing disappointment:
They didn’t choose the guy you wanted to be “The Bachelor”
The pasta to pair it with:
Pasta carbonara

pasta carbonara

What do you do when the cute, boring guy you wanted to be picked for “The Bachelor” is passed over in favor of the other cute, boring guy? You drown yourself in a bowl of Spaghetti alla Carbonara. Made with eggs, cheese, bacon, and freshly ground black pepper, this is the pasta that says, “Girl, let me give you heartburn of a different kind.”

The crushing disappointment:
It took you 45 minutes to find a parking space at Trader Joe’s
The pasta to pair it with:
Pasta puttanesca

Puttanesca

Deflated after navigating the narrow aisles of Trader Joe’s? Hoarse from screaming “You ANIMALS!” to everyone clamoring for your parking spot as you tried to load groceries into your car? Head home and sob into your cat, where you’ll soon discover that dander pairs like a fine wine with pasta puttanesca.

As a bonus, this is one of the easiest dishes you can make, which is great because after dealing with the Trader Joe’s parking lot, you’d like nothing more than to sit in a state of suspended animation for six hours.

The crushing disappointment:
Your name was misspelled on your Starbucks latte
The pasta to pair it with:
Pasta primavera

1280px-Pasta_primavera

Sure, you know what food snobs have to say about pasta primavera — that it’s outdated and lame — but with your name misspelled, it’s like you don’t even know who you are anymore, and you need something familiar. This is an old-school favorite that combines spaghetti (or angel hair) with fresh vegetables, cheese, and cream. Start by pouring your latte into the kitchen sink, because it’s RUINED NOW, it’s TOTALLY RUINED. Then, start sautéing your vegetables. While they’re cooking, call the Starbucks. When they answer, ask who’s speaking. When they tell you, insist on pronouncing their name incorrectly, or calling them by a new name altogether. When they ask what you want, tell them, “My dignity.” Add the cream to your vegetables, and toss to coat. Hang up. Add parmesan cheese and continue stirring. Call back. Tell them you’re sorry. Ask them if you guys are cool. Boil your pasta. Cook. Drain. Combine with sauce. Delicious!

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