6 Sneaky Reasons You’re Not Losing Weight In 2016
Ladies, are you finding it a total hassle to lose weight? Of course you are! Losing weight is one of the hardest things anyone could do, ever, and keeping it off is a great accomplishment, far more significant than any other accomplishment a human being could ever achieve. Ever. That’s just a fact.
But don’t despair! There ARE real reasons as to why you’re lagging behind and letting yourself, and everyone you know, down. Sometimes, it’s not your fault. Sometimes you just can’t lose weight, and it’s likely due to one of these six sneaky reasons!
1. YOU’RE DEAD
Fact: 100% of people who are dead struggle to lose weight. This is because it is extremely difficult to burn calories after death. Unfortunately, if you are dead, your weight loss journey will be significantly affected. Try to remain alive when attempting to lose weight.
2. YOU’RE A CHAIR
If you are a chair, you’ve probably noticed that losing weight is a little more difficult for you compared to non-inanimate objects. Doctors have concluded that chairs have a hard time losing weight in their legs. You may find that you’ll feel lighter after the person sitting in you has stood up. You may not find that to be true, because you’re a goddamn chair, and chairs do not have feelings, emotions, or thoughts. If you are a chair who is even capable of reading this, you should go back to your Pixar-created world, and leave ours immediately. NICE TRY, CHAIR!
3. YOU’VE BEEN PLACED UNDER A WITCH’S CURSE
According to a 2014 survey, 67% of American women have been placed under a witch’s curse.* (Obviously, this number is higher in Europe.) Forgive me for stating the obvious, but it bears a reminder: witches curse people every day. Think carefully: have you offended one lately? Did you cut in front of a witch at Starbucks? Did said witch cackle, stare into your soul, point a green finger at you and say, “I’ll get you my pretty, and your little blog, too!”? If so, consider yourself cursed. As we all know, removing a witch’s curse is a long and arduous process, so it’s better to err on the side of caution and execute blind friendliness toward all green beings. I know what you’re going to say — #NotAllWitches — and I agree, but I think it’s better to be safe than sorry. This is your weight loss we’re talking about!
4. YOU’RE NOT MAKING THE TRADITIONAL SACRIFICE TO THE WEIGHT LOSS GODS
We all know the three basic principles of weight loss: restrict calories, increase exercise, make a sacrifice to the weight loss gods. However, many of us overlook the importance of the third one. For years we’ve been told that calorie restriction and exercise were enough.
This obviously isn’t true. If you’re not making the traditional sacrifice to the weight loss gods, you will not see results. While more and more scientists are supporting the sacrifice, they are still not in agreement about which sacrifice works best. Personally, I think it’s best to keep it simple: a single hair from a mermaid, a bowl of glass grapes, and an educated mouse are really all you need. Anything more than that and it’s overkill.
5. YOU FORGOT TO MAKE A VISUALIZATION BOARD
It isn’t enough to be vigilant about diet and exercise. You must take at least an hour out of your day to make a visualization board of what your weight loss will look like. Make sure the board is at least the size of your bedroom wall. Then cut out images of your ideal bodies from magazines, and paste them to the board. Be sure to write mantras on the board and encouraging phrases like, “NOT ALL WHO WANDER ARE LOST” and “THERE IS NO ‘I’ IN TEAM” and “ICE ICE BABY.” Just typical sayings that inspire motivation and change.
6. YOU’RE LETTING YOUR CAT CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS
The link between owning a cat and not losing weight has not yet been proven with science or magic, but anyone who owns a cat can clearly see the relation. Fact: When we’re asleep, our cats control our thoughts. Fact: Cats like food. Fact: Cats don’t like exercise. Result? Weight gain.
As much as you love your pet cat, you must resist its mind control, for the good of your health. It’s advisable to construct a mind-blocking helmet out of tinfoil (shiny side OUT) and wear it to sleep every night to thwart the cat’s attempt at hijacking your mind.
Upon waking, look the cat into its eyes and say, “Thank you for your mercy” and carefully remove your helmet AFTER you’ve gotten out of bed. Remember not to show any sign of weakness. Cats can sense weakness. Do not give in. Be strong. Live life. Run. Don’t stop running. Oh God. The darkness. It’s everywhere. It’s everywhere it’s everywhere it’s —
Follow these tips and watch your weight melt away!
*This is not an actual statistic.
Illustrations by Katie Tandy